Sex and The Holidays for Couples

Here are some quick tips to keep the excitement bubbling this holiday season:

The holidays may be a hectic and busy time for many of us here in the Western world. Although many people have time off, the kids are also off school, the relatives are demanding of our time, plus there is the gift giving, the gift shopping, gift wrapping, the shopping crowds, the parties, attending dinners and work events, not to mention stress about things like money, holiday travel, weight gain frustrations from all the decadent eating and drinking, and so on. It’s a wonder we have any time at all to nourish our partners and relationships, let alone our sex lives.

For the busy holidays, I’ve compiled a list of things you can do to squeeze in some sexy time for you and your partner.

 

1. Sexy holiday Santa/elf outfit. Surprise your honey in your favorite night gown, slip or sexy lingerie of choice, preferably in the color red, but not necessary, and don the old red Santa’s hat. As Santa’s little helper you can decide if your partner has been naughty or nice. Let him know that his wish is your command if he’s been nice. Or perhaps you’ve been the naughty one. Use chocolates or cherries to enhance the evening by making it more delicious. Either way, this play on traditional Christmas can be sexy and fun.
2. Warm bath with Pine scented bath salts.  Your baby has been working hard. Offer to help relieve some stress tonight. Pine scented bath salts not only help one to relax but also inspire the winter holiday warmth. So, after the kids have gone to bed, and the pet’s have been fed, offer to run a bath for your loved one. Turn on the hot water, light some candles, make some hot tea and entice your baby into the hot scented relaxing bath water.
3. Almond oil massage. Is your partner so pooped they’ve tuned you out and are solely focused on watching news or sports on the boob tube? This light massage can be done while they are relaxing. Rub some massage oil or scented lotion on your hands first, then on your partner’s hands and feet. Massage gently.  This is a low maintenance way of inspiring tenderness and then passion after a long and stressful week.
4. Quiet time reading. Reading to each other can be exotic and erotic if the material is sexually charged. Find an erotic novel, turn on the fireplace (if you have one) and curl up together with a blanket and read to each other. The friction and the heat between you two will be undeniable.

These are just a few ideas to get the blood flowing between you and your love. As always the bottom line here is of course, to take some out from your busy schedule and do something out of the ordinary, something special, creative, sexy and romantic for yourself and your partner. This may be a small simple gesture but the underlying message that you deeply care about your relationship is undeniable. This will not just make the holidays more enjoyable and fun but also works towards making your relationship fun and enjoyable as well.

©Copyright 2010 by Moushumi Ghose (Wilson), MFT. All Rights Reserved. To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life Visit Moushumi Ghose, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

©Copyright 2010 by Moushumi Ghose (Wilson), MFT. All Rights Reserved.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Moushumi Ghose, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Reading on Vacation

I'm vacationing in the UK for the New Years holiday season and while traveling have been reading "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian L. Weiss, MD, A recollection of his treatment of a patient with severe anxiety disorder. When traditional psychotherapies failed to help his anxious client, Dr. Weiss resorted to Hypnosis. What he found was a journey into pat lives to unveil many links not just to current psychological disorders but what may be answers to our questions about life after death, before death, reincarnation, our creation and beyond.

"I believe strongly that therapists must have open minds. Just as more scientific work is necessary to document death-and-dying experiences, so is more experiential work in the field. Therapists need to consider the possibility of life after death and integrate it into their counseling. They do not have to use hypnotic regression, but they should keep their minds open, share their knowledge with their patients, and not discount their patients' experiences."
Brian L. Weiss, MD

Last Minute Holiday Therapy

In between Christmas shopping I am seeing clients, on Wed and Thursday this week. Call or email me for a last minute sex therapy session before I go on holiday for the holidays. You will thank yourself later.

TONIGHT!!

TONIGHT! I'll be giving my Libido Killers sex therapy talk at 5:30PM. Followed by an open house for the Holidays at 7:30PM ALL at the fab Liberace Penthouse.

Who you are in Life is who you are in Bed

Do you jump in with both feet into work and your relationships? Are you always late? Are you slow, and take your time? Are you worried, fearful, anxious? Do you leave projects incomplete, and unfinished?

People are often shocked, surprised and confused when they come into therapy for a sexual issue, not knowing where it stems from.

“I don’t know why I ejaculate so fast,” “I cannot seem to get aroused,” “I’m obsessed with porn,” or whatever the concern may be, sexual or not. And far too often I see this thinking process that does not believe there is a connection between our life, personality and sexuality. Far too often there is a disconnected disjointed thought process for most of us, disconnecting our sexuality from our personality, disconnecting our feeling from being.

But if we think about this realistically, we might pose and thus answer the question, how can this be?

Sex therapy therefore is actually about the whole being. Addressing the whole being is often at the root of uncovering any sexual issues.

In my sessions when I address issues about your family, your work, and your friendships I am getting to the root of you and the way you are in the world. This is a reflection of how you do things, from relationships to home, family, friends, and work. From how you deal with practical things and to dealing with loss, grief, and also sex. Who we are in life is at the core of who we are in bed. A confident person in life is more likely to exude confidence in bed.

So, the next time you catch yourself dismissing some aspect of your sexuality as something unimportant, maybe you should think again and think about yourself, and your whole being.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Moushumi Ghose, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Mou Knows Sex and Love

My radio show will be titled "Mou Knows Sex and Love" and will air Tuesday Feb 1, 2011 at 4PM on the Voice America network.

Happy Thanksgiving to ALL

I had an amazing Thanksgiving in Oakland, CA. I spent the evening with two old friends Netty and Jenoa. We had a wonderful dinner and talk which will be available via video on Vimeo and You Tube, entitled Fuctuation: Bisexuality in the Lesbian World with Jenoa and Netty. Look for it.

Male Sexual Arousal Module

We learned in Dr. Patti Britton's module #3 on Saturday: Multiple orgasm for men. Gotta check out this video and present Maxwell if you get a chance...You will love it. So will the ladies ♥
Maxwell Multiple Climax

Don't Miss This Saturday, it's Sexy Saturday!!

Sexy Saturday's at Liberace's Penthouse's presents Myofascial Release Healing Circle. This Saturday November 20, 2010 at 11AM!!

You can RSVP for this Saturdays workshop on Facebook ...

Or you can RSVP by emailing me directly at Mou@LASexTherapist.com

Menage a Trois Interrupted

Speaking tonight at Alliant University in Southern California. Giving the non monogamy talk to graduate students in the psychology programs.

And the Sexxiness goes on...

I've got a bunch of other cool things brewing too.


I've teamed up with Shai Rotem, Surrogate Partner and we will be bringing you an ongoing series of workshops designed to enlighten your mind and body for a more sensual and sexual experience. Expect these in February of 2011.



And, have you ever considered hiring a Sex Therapist to speak at your bridal shower or bachelor-ette party? Want a more intellectually stimulating, informative and interesting way to spend your last days of single-hood, and learning about marital bliss romance sex till death do you part? My colleague and fellow sexologist Gila Shapiro, MFT and myself are teaming up to engage you and your gal pals minds with honest genuine sex talk to help you get the most of your sexuality as it grows and flourishes within your marriage! Enquire about this, email me: moushumighose@gmail.com


xoxo Mou

Sexy Saturdays at Liberace's Penthouse

Don't forget to visit the website for Sexy Saturday, I've got so many special speakers and cool events lined up all the way through May of 2011. From acupuncturist/naturapath to hypnotherapists and art therapists, not to mention CEU's for MFTs and LCSWs, a marketing course coming in April and the Holiday shebang next month which won't be on a Saturday but on a Sexy Thursday instead.
I so hope to see you at one of these events!!

xoxo Mou

Supervision and Workshops

Working on my Sex Therapist certification through AASECT, the American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists.
And I've been attending these wonderful workshops with Patti Britton, PhD through ISH, or the Institute of Sexual Health in Beverly Hills. Though the institute focuses on sexual addictions my training is in the broader field of sexology, as Patti's speciatly.

As sexologists and sex therapists, addictions are just one of the many things represented in the hats we wear. Sex addiction is the therapy du jour right now, very popular made by the folks such as Tiger Woods and David Duchovny, LA Times yesterday told us what a thriving industry sex addiction treatment is. Yes, maybe true. I want to point out that not all sex therapists are sex addiction specialists and vice verse. And though most sex therapists are well schooled in 12 step and addiction treatment, addiction models tend to be more pathology oriented.
My work here at Los Angeles Sex Therapy is solution focused and goal oriented.

I love Couples Therapy...why its better than individual counseling...

One of the most common sexual concerns that women complain of when it comes to sex is a lack of arousal or low desire. This does seem to be more common in women who are in their 20’s and often we may see these resolve themselves as women get older. It’s been said that women reach their sexual peak in their mid to late 30’s and yes, this can explain part of this phenomenon. According to the medical beliefs, women bloom later when it comes to sexuality. Physiology is one factor, but this is not always nor the only reason we see low desire or low arousal in females. Many other factors can contribute to low sexual desire in females, ranging from depression to anxiety to fear, anger, resentment, guilt, or shame.

The same is true of men. True, physiologically speaking men’s testosterone levels dip as they get older. It is suggested that men reach their sexual peak around 21. Although low sexual desire is not the most common of male sexual disorders, men do often present with erectile issues which, include early ejaculation or erectile dysfunction (ED) which often have the same contributing factors I mentioned above.

When low arousal or low desire presents itself in the relationship it is also very common that the individual taking on most of the blame is the person whose body is affected. If she is the one not producing natural lubrication then she must be the one at fault, and vice versa. If his erections are the one in question then he is the one who must be fixed. Unfortunately this thinking then too often leads one individual, the broken one to present for counseling or therapy, by him or herself, individually. In my opinion this is problematic two-fold. For one, the individual who is going to therapy, is the person that is getting better, the one more likely to be making positive changes in their life, and most often this is happening alone. The other person is not present and is not joining her on the journey. And two, this places blame, or fault and suggests that one person is sick, broken, or at “fault”, while the other is well, and “right.” One is good, the other bad. You get the idea. Ideally, if there are problems in the relationship, sexual or not, couples problems should never be placed on one individual. The couple should make it a point to attend together to see how each is influencing the other. The relationship is a dance and it takes two to tango.

Even in a situation where one partner is dealing with some personal issues, such as childhood trauma or abuse, which may not involve his/her partner directly, and may or may not be sexual in nature I still always strongly suggest having the partner at least minimally involved. Therapy involves sharing intimate parts of yourself, and this will likely have its effect on the individual, will facilitate change and growth and also may indirectly affect the relationship. I encourage couples to grow together, not apart.

©Copyright 2010 by Moushumi Ghose (Wilson), MFT

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Moushumi Ghose, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Short Term Sex Therapy and Coaching

I believe in short term, solution focused therapies, counseling and coaching, most often Cognitive Behavioral in style but also any other treatments which focus on Change, the present and the future and what you can do now, without looking backwards to make a difference in your current situation and your future.

With couples much of the work can be done in 5-7 sessions, as long as the couple is willing to do the work and really get down to the nitty-gritty, and address the real deal of what is going on and bothering you. Couples have busy lives and the goal here is to provide the couples with the tools necessary to have a long and successful relationships. With individuals, depending on the issue, I generally suggest 7-10 sessions although if you are alone working on relationship/couple problems, this may take longer. Sexual issues, if addressed correctly can often be resolved by 7-10 sessions.

Honesty is the best policy for results. The client, YOU, must be willing to be totally honest, not just with me, but with yourself. Without it, much change won't occur.

I also believe in check-ins. Once you have grasped the main concerns and how they plague your life, it is up to you to make the change. However, sometimes we run into unexpected hurdles which sends us back into a tail spin. I will always try to accommodate return clients to revisit goals, and progress made in the past and tie them into the new issues and concerns which have come up. Sometimes 1-2 sessions will suffice, and sometimes the whole process may need to be repeated if the life change is so big that it's course has to be redefined. I will always attempt to be solution focused giving you as many tools as I possibly can to help you solve your conundrum as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Creating Memories for Better Sex

When relationships first start out they are often filled with anticipation, excitement, and even anxiety, and fear about the potential for the possibilities of the future, coupled with fear of the unknown: Does she like me? Does he think I am sexy? Does she want to kiss me? Does he want to be with me long term? Not to mention getting to learn about the other person, his/her communication styles, lifestyle, past history and/or baggage, and of course our expectations for the future. All of these unknown variables cause for an exciting, often exhilarating and whirlwind of a time. Excitement, anxiety, fear, and anticipation, you guessed it, all contribute to arousal. Arousal is a physiological and state of increased heart rate and blood pressure and a condition of sensory alertness, mobility and readiness to respond. And psychological of course this heightened state of alertness and being can also lead to great sex.

When relationships get past this stage, supposing all the stars line up and the two parties acknowledge that each other is worth keeping around, and mutual agreements are thus made that allow for an ongoing connection, often some, if not all of the excitement and anticipation fades, and with it so does the anxiety, fear of the unknown, in many cases arousal.

Instead what does grow and replace those anticipatory feelings is comfort, security, maybe boredom, or maybe conflict, disagreements, and arguments, which can lead to resentment, anger, depression and a host of other psychological and emotional maladies that can feel like death to the once exciting, romantic and happy relationship.

It’s natural also for arousal, sexual activity, passion and romance all to wane. These are usually affected indirectly by one of the aforementioned bigger issues.

I like to suggest three quick fixes for couples, that rely on memories, to help ignite that feeling that was brought on in the initial days. Memories are a powerful tool in relationships as relationships are built, and last for a given amount of time.

1. Reminisce. Go down memory lane. Do this often. When couples start to talk about how they met, and remember all the details which caused them to fall in love with their partner in the first place, their eyes and hearts will often soften. No, this is not a long-term fix but this can be a quick reminder of why you two decided to embark on this journey together.

2. Take a vacation. Together. Yes, this is about getting away from the day to day, the chores, the kids perhaps, but it’s more so about creating MORE exciting, positive memories together. You need to constantly create new and fresh memories to make this relationship worth remembering.

3. Take a vacation. Alone. Yes this is about remembering who you are, and more so about missing each other, and remembering why you chose to be with this person and not stay single.

Don’t be afraid to stir things up in the relationship. Take the reins to create positive moments with your partner, and even create some change and instability. These moments are what will strengthen the relationship in the future, creating more excitement and maybe even getting you back to where you started, if you want.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Interview for American Curves Magazine on Male Ethical Sluthood...

The information I based my ideas on was found in the two great books on non-monogamy and open relationships, "The Ethical Slut, " by Dossie Easton and "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino.

1. First of all --explain the concept of being an ethical slut

The basic premise of an ethical slut is that the individual has multiple sexual partners, or may "sleep around" but does so in an honest, and genuine manner, and does not cheat, lie, or do so dishonestly, ie unethically. Ethical means they do it with good will of heart, they don't purposefully go around hurting people, and they genuinely try to be aware of peoples feelings, using care, diligence and caution as well, when choosing to be intimate with a variety of people.



2. How does a man be a "slut" while still maintaining honor and respect
for women?

Well the honor and respect is the basic premise of being an ethical slut. The key to being a respectable, honorable and ethical slut is not only being open and up front about your goals, dreams, desires and expectations from the relationship or rendezvous but it also involves asking your partner, whether she be a one night stand or friend with benefits what her thoughts are about the scenario, what she wants, and whether or not she is okay with what he is giving, and she is getting. An ethical slut shows a genuine interest in the feelings, mental state of their partner irregardless of long-term, short-term, one night stand, etc..

3. I would guess that ethical slutdom involves multiple partners....does
that mean there's no "one" girlfriend or partner? Can there be?

Ethical slutdom suggests yes, that one has multiple partners, but these relationships can can take on many forms. For example, a man may be married to a woman, or have a girlfriend whom he considers his "primary" partner. The two of them may then choose to bring in a 3rd partner (ie. a threesome or menage a trois), or to go to swinger parties, or to engage in group sex, just for sex only. This would make him merely non-monogamous, and the couple could be said to be in an open relationship. This might be for one night only, ie. only for sex, or this may be for longer term, ie having an emotional/mental component, which is the basis behind Polyamory, which is not just about sex but insinuates there is an emotional intimacy as well. The "primary" couple would decide on the ground rules of what this means in order for it to fall into the category of ethical sluthood.
Another scenario is a single man, who chooses to have mutiple partners but no "primary" partner. We call this Solo Polyamory. There are many other variations as well. Polyfidelity is when the man may have 2 or more partners who are all involved with each other, this looks something like a group relationship. The partners have all agreed to be committed to the members of the group only. Polygyny refers to marriage, ie when a man has several wives. (Polyandry is when a woman has several husbands and these both fall into the category of Polygamy).


4. Can a man sleep around and feel okay about himself--will it hurt his
reputation? A man will feel about himself whatever ideas he has attached to "sleeping around." For many men having several notches on their belt is a sign of masculinity, ie the Lothario syndrome. In many cultures sleeping around ie, "conquering women" is highly approved of. The word "slut" typically, not always, but often refers to women who sleep around, a man who does so is often considered to have a lot of skills. But, Yes, Sleeping around can hurt ones reputation in certain scenarios for sure, ie if he is married or in a political, public position, or if he is being unethical in his dealings, not practicing safe sex, being irresponsible with people's feelings, sleeping with partners of friends, sleeping where he eats, etc. Being responsible and ethical about the partners you choose, and their feelings is always the best rout to practicing ethical sluthood.


5. How does a man find ethically slutty women to play with?

Finding ethically slutty women to play around with can be somewhat tricky but don't fret. Online dating websites specific to the style of non-monogamous dating and/or lifestyles exist to meet women who are into the same lifestyles. There are also local groups which offer playgrounds and parties for certain lifestyles. The internet is a great place to start.Talking to friends, finding out who the open minded girls are in your social circle, she might know and introduce you to more like-minded girls. In terms of just general dating, it is still possible to find women interested in non monogamy and open relationships in the general dating pool as well. Approaching the subject with prospective women gently but honestly and sincerely is always the best bet. You never know when you may find an open minded ethical slut amongst the crowd. They are definitely out there.


6. What is the likelihood of falling in love while slutting around?

Love happens. Romance happens. Fallling in love happens. The likelihood is there. Many people can separate love from sex, but in our society we are often taught that the two should be synonymous. And, in many cases they are. When the spark and compatibility is there, glaring in your face and undeniable then sometimes you need to look the love beast in the eye and call it out for what it is. Open relationships and non monogamy are not easy and are risky for this very reason. People who choose these lifestyle are not seeking it for the security. They are more than likely in it for the variety, excitement and continuous need for spiritual and personal growth that comes with facing demons such as jealousy, possessiveness, envy, and being in Polyamorous relationships means loving and having intimate relationships with more than one person. And often this means falling in love with others and could even mean, falling out of love and having to make a choice at some point. Being an ethical slut means checking in with yourself, and your partner(s) on a regular basis, and requires continual self evaluation.


7. Is the sex better in a monogamous relationship or with multiple people
and why?

It is difficult to say whether the sex is better in a monogamous relationship or with multiple partners. Everyone has different tastes and desires. There is very little evidence to suggest that mammals are monogamous beings, and more to suggest that we are indeed not monogamous. People often go into monogamous relationships, marriage and such blindly because it is what is expected of them in this society. The problem is that we know there are some serious fallacies when it comes to monogamy, proven by our high divorce rates and the rampant infidelity and cheating. The myths which include that there is a soulmate for everyone, or a Mr. Right. The key is to know that monogamy is a conscious choice we make to stay faithful to one person despite our desires. It's normal to be attracted to other people, to fantasize about other people while still staying committed to one person. The suppressing of these feelings could be dangerous. Ideally you could share these feelings with your partner. But in our society the ideal of our spouse being the only person we fantasize about, the only person we are ever attracted to is shoved down our throats that people are made to feel guilty about their natural desires. Suppressing the desires can lead to anger and resentment. Acting on our desires can lead to infidelity, cheating and/or serial monogamy (jumping from relationship to relationship) and unfortunately serial monogamy too is supported by our society which perpetuates the inability to communicate openly with our partners about our true desires leading to supressing, cheating and serial monogamy. The key is to be honest with yourself and your desires. The bottom line is that non monogamous lifestyles are not supported thoroughly in our society making it more difficult lifestyle to live, but you need to choose what is ultimately best for you and those around you. Be true, be real, be honest.


8. Does ethical slutdom get into orgies, groups, kink etc--how and why? Ethical sluthood includes any and all non monogamous style relationships.

Anxiety -fear- of being alone, may be at the core of Love Addiction...

Addiction often at its root develops out of a need to relieve an anxiety, psychological pressure or stress. I often akin addictions to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD, which is one type of an anxiety disorder, in where the individual attempts to reduce their obsession (recurrent, unwanted thoughts) by performing repetitive behaviors – or compulsions. The DSM describes these compulsions as specific ritualistic behaviors such as hand washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, but an addiction in its action may feel like something quite similar.

Similarly, addictions develop out of a need to suppress, depress, repress, fight some sort of feelings we have whether it be sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. The compulsion is the using of drugs, alcohol, substance, and more recently we have come to acknowledge the addictions to other things such as food, sex, love, and companionship to combat our feelings.

Many groups have developed around the idea that sex and love can be used inappropriately (such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous- aka SLAA) and that there are also signs of addictions when it comes to these acts. Sex addiction, for example, is one we keep hearing more and more about in the media today with Hollywood celebrities like David Duchovny and Tiger Woods checking into sex rehab facilities. Things like sex and food are easily measured, and it is easy to agree on what ‘sex’ is, and what a sex addiction might look like. But one thing, which still may be elusive to many folks is this concept of love addiction.

Can love be addicting? It’s an interesting concept since we have yet to find a cohesive definition of what love even is, so how do we determine a love addiction? How can something as elusive as love be considered addicting? How can we determine that everyone who is married, in a relationship and/or who claims to be in love is not some sort of ‘love’ addict? Everyone’s definition of love is different.

It’s tricky and SLAA has some defined guidelines to determining a love addiction (http://www.slaafws.org/) and I prefer to call it companionship addiction. Companionship addiction is when the individual has an obsession with being in a partnership, or relationship, and/or feels the need to fill the empty space with a relationship to the point where it takes over their mind, body, focus and life. When they cannot focus on anything else but the relationship, in my opinion it definitely falls into the category of an addiction, or an obsession.

Organizations like SLAA and AA are definitely helpful as they provide an alternative to sitting at home fighting our feelings alone, but at some point the anxiety has to be self relieved, in order to truly break the pattern of addiction and obsession. If we think of the need for companionship, love, and relationships as an obsession then we will see some of the behaviors as compulsions. When we seek out these interactions based on these feelings, we are basically reacting to our anxiety. I like to suggest the idea of not reacting, or something known as non-reactivity. This tenet of Zen and Buddhist philosophies which has been adopted by many psychologists is akin to ‘sitting with our feelings.’ Instead of constantly seeking to relieve our anxiety, we choose to sit with it, listen, feel, and ultimately accept our anxiety and other discomforts as a part of our makeup, our journey, and our lives.

The first step to non-reactivity, not reacting and sitting with the anxiety is recognizing what anxiety looks and feels like. Many cannot see nor feel their anxiety, for they are too busy acting on a minute-by-minute basis, to avoid sitting with their feelings and listening to the inner voice. This means that we must first stop any and all activity what-so-ever, and practice sitting quietly, first and fore most. Then when you get the urge to do something, I.E. that antsy feeling to act or react to ease your desire, to instantly gratify a need, you then stop. You will eventually recognize that you are reacting to a feeling. This is at the core of any addiction. Love addiction is no different.

When you stop choosing partners to relieve your anxiety is when you can truly find love – whatever you decide that is.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Sexy Saturdays with Mou Wilson at Liberace's Penthouse

Come to the legendary pianist Liberace's penthouse!

Sexy Saturdays is a monthly Sex Therapy Workshop Series, led by Mou Wilson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Sexy Saturdays with Mou Wilson is an intimate monthly workshop, which will feature various guest speakers discussing relationship/sexuality/health/fitness and more. Situated on the gorgeous rooftop penthouse of the late legendary pianist Liberace in West Hollywood with panoramic views of Los Angeles, I hope you will find something of interest in any one of the various installations. So come on and get out of bed with me for a Sexy Saturday!

Menage a Trois Interrupted:

Defining A Non Traditional Relationship/Lifestyle in a Traditional World

In this first installation, I will be discussing recent trends in Menage a Trois, Open Relationships, Polyamory, Ethical Sluthood, Nonmonogamy, etc... Understanding the rules, or creating your own. Understanding jealousy, possession and exploring whether this is a lifestyle for you or not.

SPACE IS LIMITED SO SIGN UP NOW!!

info@mouwilson.com

(323) 284-4423

Location:

Liberace's Penthouse

in West Hollywood, CA

Address:

7461 Beverly Blvd, Penthouse East, West Hollywood CA

When:

Saturday August 21, 2010 10 AM-1 PM

Cost:

$80 per person

Who:

Anyone interested in raising their own awareness about the various lifestyles and possibilities in sexuality and or sharing their experiences.

*This event will be held outdoors.

**There is a swimming pool, so swim attire is acceptable, although not required.

***Breakfast foods will be served.

RSVP to info@mouwilson.com or call 323-284-4423

~~~CHECK BACK FOR OUR LIST OF UPCOMING SPEAKERS~~~

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life

Visit Los Angeles Sex Therapy

at

www.MouWilson.com

323.284.4423

info@mouwilson.com

©Copyright, 2010

Don't ignore that dirty voice inside your head, just because you decide to say, "I Do."

Though the definition varies from source to source, the basic idea behind healthy sexuality lies in the ability to accept and embrace one’s sexual side, including our bodies and integrate this into our psyche in ways that are functional and positive, and not harmful. For me this means the integration of our animalistic, or kinky, dirty nature with our emotional self, attaching positive and/or neutral meaning to the urges, which are biologically considered natural.

What turns us on and what we find arousing all too often, however is what is also considered dirty and kinky, and unfortunately often falls into categories considered taboo and unmentionable. Not to mention may often even include the demoralizing of women, children and men, and also sometimes having sexist or racial content and/or the like.

But the disconnect happens when we liken these animalistic drives, our dirty and kinky natures, and try to meld them with our desire to be monogamous and develop deep connections within long-term relationships. Society tells us that being sexual, romantic and intimate is preferable when done with the person we love and whom we should also to procreate with. We are told that sex should be about emotional connectedness, trust and love. The media, and the movies we watch of love stories and romance portray romantic love and sex going hand-in-hand down the yellow brick road of joy and bliss to Emerald city. What our the media and our society doesn’t address is what happens once we get to Emerald city and that romantic love turns into attachment love. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love suggests that romantic love though wonderful is unstable, and not so good for child-rearing, vs. the final stage of love, or attachment love, is characterized by feelings of calm, security, social comfort and emotional union, and allows cooperation in raising children.

And it is in this final stage of what Helen calls attachment love is what I see in my office as being the time where most of couples sexual and arousal problems occur. At some point many couples in long-term relationships will throw away that kinky side and focus on the other stuffs of relationships and life. Such as family, kids, career, house, and thereby ignoring the animalistic sexual urges that naturally exist in all of us. What we fail to recognize is that those animalistic sexual urges need and want to find some expression, and too often we will find we’ve either lost the voice because we’ve ignored it for so long, or that we never even had it. Then in an attempt to find balance and to express that side, we often either feel like we cannot or may resort to other avenues to getting such needs met, such as cheating/infidelity or becoming excessively interested in porn, which in turn, may jeopardize our happy home. Alternatively if we learn to embrace our kinky and dirty side, and make a conscientious effort to develop it, then share it and express it with our partner openly while in the bedroom we may find less of a need for these other outlets. Just because you are in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you can’t revert to your dirty ole self when you’re having sex, in fact you might just need to if you want to keep that spark alive, not just in your relationship, but in yourself as well.

The point I am trying to make is that you have to find balance, you cannot omit your kinky, dirty side, because some of it fuels your sexuality. Stay true to yourself, and to the integrity of who you want to be. This should include your sexual self and animalistic nature. Recognize that being dirty sometimes should be allowed within your relationship as well as is accepted and needed.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Sensate Focus – Taking Sex Off the Table Can Restore Sexual Vitality

In the 1960’s Masters and Johnson who pioneered research of human sexual response and the diagnosing and treatment of sexual disorders devised a technique known as sensate focus to help couples bring the joy of sex back into their lives.

Our societies overly obsessive ideas about sex being mainly about erections, penetration, intercourse and orgasm have a lot of detrimental side effects, and have oftentimes caused many to lose sight of the true sensual pleasures that accompany sex. The basic premise of sensate focus is that it takes the focus off of erections/arousal (that is, how erect a man can get or how aroused a woman can get), it prohibits penetration, and intercourse as the sole focus of sex at least in the early stages, and it takes the emphasis off of orgasm. Sensate focus is one of the various tools a sex therapist, such as myself might use to help the couple (or individual) rewire their thinking about sex.

My main goals when using sensate focus in treatment is to retrain the brain by actually breaking old patterns of sexual habits by directing the couple to stop having sex (which in many cases has already happened) and then to start engaging in the sensate focus activities. By eliminating the tried and true ways of having sex, which have not been working for the couple, the goal of sensate focus is to reshape attitudes about sex, to educate about the many facets of sexuality, to get back to the roots of feeling sensuous pleasure and to stop focusing so much on the technical aspects of sex and sexuality. By taking the couple slowly through the five stages of sensate focus which focus on massage, communication, using hands and mouths while avoiding breasts and genitals, and encouraging sensual exploration verbally, mentally, as well as physically, couples learn about their own bodies as well as their partners bodies, they learn to connect on an intimate level, and often report a rebirth in their sexuality and attraction to each other in a short time. Just because they start having sex again, couples often think they are fixed. Still to really ingrain the new sensual style thinking patterns, and to avoid falling back into old patterns, I suggest utilizing this practice for several months so that it can in fact become second nature.

Sensate focus helps take the pressure off of sex. Lots of arousal and erection disorders perpetuate because one partner, or in many case both parties, are obsessed with the lack of arousal in the partner who is presenting with the symptom. The intense focus on the symptomatic partner in turn causes more pressure, anxiety and stress for him/her to perform so as to prove to the other partner his/her attraction or attractiveness. This pressure does anything but bring sexual arousal back. This pressure and often perceived lack of understanding from the wounded partner who feels he/she is undesirable only tends to exacerbates the symptoms, as pressure and stress to perform lead to more anxiety (often referred to as performance anxiety). Anxiety is a libido killer, and anything that causes anxiety, such as an over emphasis on performance will not enhance sexuality. Sexuality thrives in relaxed states. By focusing on attitudes as well as behaviors, sensate focus attempts to reconnect mind to body by taking couples back to a place of innocent sensual exploration, to experience joy and pleasure of each other’s bodies and minds as wholes, together again.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Friends With Benefits... An Interview by Tony Machado

Tony: If you have a friend who you have sex with--what are the rules?


Mou :"Friends with benefits" can be an excellent source of bonding, sharing and intimacy and the rules vary from relationship to relationship. Often times friendships turn into relationships and vice versa. In my opinion friendship should always come first. Lust, passion, romance, desire are things which ebb and flow but friendship can and should be seen as a constant. With that said, friends can often not depend on exclusivity as in our culture friends is not always synonymous with committed relationship. Committed relationship often connotes further expectations including exclusivity and other rules mostly pertaining to monogamy. Unfortunately too often the rules and ties that come with monogamy, exclusivity, marriage and relationships can do a number to even the best of friendships.


Tony: What are the rules on exclusivity?

Mou: Obviously this varies from situation to situation. Many times friends engage in sex and one or both partners are involved, married or otherwise. Obviously no exclusivity there. In our society, it is probably safe to say that friends cannot and would not expect exclusivity from a 'friends with benefits' type of situation, but then again this always depends on the type of friendship and the type of relationship they are embarking on.


Tony: What are the rules on dates with this person?

Mou:To me, 'dates' indicate that a line from friends to more-than-friends might be being crossed. Again this depends on the individuals. I definitely think that setting up some rules is always a good idea. People know what to expect and what is expected of them when rules are created. But often times its because of the lack of rules that friends often get involved, and it is the actual development of rules that creates the distinction between friends and relationships.


Tony:What are the sexual rules--who gets pleased, what acts are okay?

Mou:Again, this depends on the two people involved. If either or both involved are in relationships outside of the friendship there may be certain acts which are off limits. Too much comfort between friends also can make it harder to engage in specific acts. Between friends it could go either way, on one extreme where experimenting is more open and expected to the opposite extreme where familiarity can breed a sort of dulling of physical senses and heightened emotional connectedness.


Tony:Why do these arrangements end?

Mou:My guess would be that these arrangements often end when one person decides to move on. Or if one person falls for the other. Generally in a "friends with benefits" situation one or both parties involved admittedly does not see the other as a long term prospect, does not want a long term relationship or some situation in which long term relationship status does not come into play is in effect here. Ideally, both parties involved see eye-to-eye on this, but unfortunately too often feelings are not reciprocated and this is when these arrangements likely come to an end. Ideally, both parties involved will agree to stay friends.


Tony:Are they necessarily unhealthy?

Mou:Not at all, a "Friends with Benefits" situation can be extremely healthy as long as the lines of communication are kept open. If both parties openly, genuninely and honestly communicate his/her wants, needs and desires of the relationship and agree that the "FRIENDSHIP" is the most important and comes first then this situation can be extremely healthy. My motto is "Friendship first." Make an agreement both with yourself and with each other to be the best friend you can be to this person no matter what and it can overcome a lot of the unwanted negative emotions that can get mixed in. Maintaining objectivity is key.


Tony:How do you find a friend who likes to have sex with no other expectations?

Mou:Be honest if your attracted to someone, friends or not, and then make it known that their friendship is of utmost importance, at the end of it all.


Tony:Can the sex be any good?

Mou: Absolutely, as long as the emotions are in check, and/or reciprocated as in any relationship. Rules are good. Rules with yourself about being a good friend is the best place to start, and hopefully it will be shared with the friend.

Kill The Laundry List, Not the Sex

In our culture with its emphasis on couple-hood, marriage, monogamy, finding our one soul mate and/or Mr./Mrs. Right we can easily become fixated on the ideal of who and what this person should be, what he/she is supposed to look like, dress, act, how much money he/she should make, how this person should act, how they should clean, how well read they should be, etc, so on and so forth. The list is endless. When we first meet or hook up with the person we ultimately decide we want to spend the rest of our lives with however, those ideals are often the farthest things from our mind. Initially we are caught up in the whirlwind of romance, passion, and excitement. We are getting to know the person, learning about them and in the process often learning about ourselves and sometimes even re-inventing ourselves to be a better us and/or to fit our mate. We relish at our commonalities and smile at the way our newfound partner makes us feel. We get butterflies and are excited to spend all of our time with this person.

At some point however, generally within the first year and a half, we start to discover things about our partners that we don’t necessarily like. These things may or may not be deal-breakers. And, how we express ourselves and choose to address these issues can be detrimental to the next phase of the relationship. What happens too often however is that we start to nit-pick, nag, criticize, and even worse insult or humiliate our partner because they do not meet up to some standard we have in our head. If our partner still decides to stay in the relationship these can lead to anger, resentment, which are ultimately sex and relationship killers. No one wants this for their relationship, but inevitably it happens all to often. The good thing is that it is totally avoidable.

One of the most important things in a successful relationship is acceptance. Our goal should be to always try to accept our partner as much as we can for who they already are, who they were when they came into the relationship and with the baggage they come with. Some compromise of course is okay, expected and part of being in a working relationship. We do need to meet our partners half way. But we need to limit the changes we expect our partner to make. Essentially we need to pick our battles.

The other important thing to remember is that using positive and affirmative words and language will always yield better results over nagging, nitpicking and/or criticizing. Focus on the positive things your partner brings to the relationship and to your life. And, your partner will melt like butter in your hands.

Sometimes, understandably, problems or issues that we have with our partners are too big or too glaring for us to let go. Focusing on the positive just won’t do. These are what I call deal-breakers. A deal breaker is a behavior, which absolutely must change in order for you to feel that the relationship will work for you. In these situations you can and definitely should express your concerns, and your feelings to your partner (of course using as much positive and affirmative language as possible, and focusing on your feelings as opposed to pointing the finger at your partners behaviors), and then let the cards fall where they may. Your partner may indicate that he/she wants to change, but whether or not they really do is up to them ultimately. People will do what they do, and holding them to their word can be like pulling teeth, often causing more anger and resentment from the nagging and nitpicking you’ll be doing. If your partner has a difficult time accommodating your desire and need that which you believe to be a deal breaker you need to really rethink, “Can I live with this?” If you cannot then it is a deal breaker.

I also recommend not having too long a list of deal breakers. If you have more than two this should be a sign for you to really take a look at yourself, what your needs are, how important this relationship is to you, how important it is to have this person in your life, and do you really love/accept this person for who they are? Too long of a laundry list is heavy, and weighted and will add nothing more but burden and stress to your relationship, undermines your partners worth, may also be a strong indicator of unrealistic expectations, and may ultimately destroy any desire, passion, romance and sex left in the relationship.


To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy


©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

What Your Fantasies Might Mean....

Believe it or not, everyone has some secret desire, fantasy, or even fetish that brings on arousal and turns us on in the bedroom, or otherwise. For some of us, our fantasies work best when used alone. We thus prefer to use the fantasy as personal experience on our own, and don’t find the need to share it with others. Others of us strive and have a strong urge to share our fantasy or fetish, to live it out and to act it out with our partners and with others. Finally there are those of us who have trouble swallowing the content of our desires, feel confused about its meaning and are thus conflicted about our fantasies and fetishes.

Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what is turning us on is common in our society. We want to know, why do I feel this way? And where does this come from? The short answer is this, our sexual fantasies are likely a reflection of the very stimuli/stimulus which we were exposed to during our sexual awakening, much like classical conditioning. For example the boy who experiences his first erection in the bathtub, may thus pair arousal with water and bathing, and thus might have fantasies involving water. The girl who has a domineering mother, or who feels ostracized a lot by her peers may have fantasies about being dominated as an adult.

What is often difficult for people to understand is that sexual awakening happens when we are children. Childhood sexuality though a completely natural part of development is often ignored in our culture, shunned or brushed under the rug as wrong. The child is made to feel ashamed or guilty for having sexual thoughts, and desires. No explanations are given and nothing is talked about. But remembering that sexual curiosity is a normal and natural part of a healthy child’s development an innocent desire of a child to explore, and feel pleasure, can eradicate much of the shame and guilt we have about our early sexual experiences, which in turn may lead to our current state of confusion regarding our desires and arousals.

Sexual fantasies may also be a reflection of our daily anxieties. For example, the one who worries about having too many responsibilities in his/her daily life may fantasize about completely dominated and controlled in bed, or the woman who feels small and unattractive may fantasize about being a sexual dominatrix. The key is to remember that we are creatures of balance. What we present to the world and feel on a daily basis often needs to be countered by it’s polar opposite, which could be presenting it’s face in our sexual fantasies and fetishes. This is not to say that the individual who fantasizes about being sexually dominated in bed is thus weak and helpless in real life. In fact the opposite is quite true. Our sexual fantasies are often times a representation of something in our life, whether past or present and when we break them down and take a much closer look, we will see that they are a normal reaction to some set of our own life experiences.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Fetish Part II.... Originally written for Lip Service Webzine...

ALL THAT IS CONSIDERED FETISH, IS REALLY JUST SEXY!


So, have you begun to embrace your fetish yet? Still having difficulty understanding the nature of all that is considered Fetish?
Well, let me help you… I’ve compiled a list of definitions to help you identify your likings …err.. fetishes…, and to help you on your journey towards unleashing your ideals of sexy.

So, what is Sexy to you? Do you get turned on by touching or feeling something of the material nature? I’m talking about leather chaps, furry hand-cuffs, feather boas, rubber body suits, lace, latex, silk. If so, you have what is called a media fetish… Or maybe you get all tingle-ey inside when you see stiletto heels, knee-high boots, and sexy lingerie? Then you have a form fetish… And for those you who have a love for all that is human, body parts and flesh such as manicured feet, sexy hair, muscular buns, and taut breasts, then you fall into our third category of lovers of animate fetishes.

Remember, people can turn just about anything into a fetish. There are different degrees of fetishism that go from mild to extreme, your fetish may be a combination punch of the three types mentioned above or maybe be a simple fetish represented by one thing. 


Ok, so all of the aforementioned things are hot and sexy but not your cup of tea? So, you’re into more of a sexy lifestyle that moves beyond objects, textures and body parts… Well, besides the typical object fetishes, there are also sexual preferences that are considered to be kinky fetishistic acts.

Sado-Masochism, or S&M: This is the practice of bondage and discipline where the sadist gets pleasure from placing others into submission, humiliation and/or by inflicting pain. Their partners are the masochists, the ones who receive the punishment, the whippings and the spankings, bowing to their servant, so to speak. There are many levels of SM sex play, and should always be consensual.

Exhibitionism. Exhibitionists get off by displaying their private parts in public
generally to an unwilling audience. Do you do this or like this? If so, be careful. The turn on is generally non- consensual and can be psychologically harmful to an unsuspecting victim. You can find pro-social ways of expressing the exhibitionist in you. Role-play and fantasy play with your consensual partner can be just as exciting.

Voyeurism. Do you get turned on by watching someone else? Viewing porn is a common form of voyeurism that is socially acceptable.

Swinging & Group Sex. So you like three-somes (mènage à trios) or group sex/orgies? Cool. This just means you like variety and there is nothing wrong with that.

Your kinky-fetish loving self needs to have your needs met, and what’s wrong with indulging in a little pleasure? Just remember if you're hurting yourself or hurting others, seek professional help. Otherwise, hat off, err…I mean leather chaps off!

Just remember that this doesn’t mean you have to air all the kinky details of your fetish to anyone. It merely means acceptance within yourself, and communicating with your partner, if that applies. Second, you must remember that role-play and incorporating fantasy must always be mutual and consensual. If your fetish is interfering with your relationships, your life, or hurting others you should seek the help of a professional.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Fetish Part I... Piece I wrote for Lip Service Webzine

The Webster dictionary definition of a fetish is, an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression (www.merriam-webster.com, 2009). Hmmm, that’s a mouthful of psychobabble.



For those you who prefer English, a fetish is an object of desire, something that is typically out of the ordinary, which arouses you or turns you on.
So, do you think you’ve got a fetish? Maybe you’ve got a foot fetish with a special liking for freshly painted shiny red toe nails, black fishnet pantyhose stockings slipped into a snug shiny patent leather high heel platform boot or pump. Or maybe you are a masculine man type who gets a surge of excitement when wearing female panties? Or maybe you’re so fetishistic that you live in bondage clothes and eat, breathe, and practice S&M in your sleep.
Chances are that given the atypical nature of fetishes, it is quite possible that at some point you have felt embarrassed, ashamed or just downright closeted about your fetish, because after all it’s really no one’s business what you do behind closed doors, right?

Well, yes and no. First of all let me assure you that having a fetish is actually a quite normal happening. We are predisposed to be sensually attracted to and turned on to items of the tactile nature. Even seeing pictures of a woman or man’s naked body can be considered a fetish, though based on the normality of such things it gets brushed under the rug. This brings me to my second point. Fetishes come in all shapes and sizes.

How you got to your fetish is your own business and your own journey. We are often classically conditioned to find certain things arousing at an early age when our parents and teachers didn’t even want to think we were sexual beings….What happens is that we are exposed to something right at that precise moment when we are ripe and ready, and we start to feel aroused and BAM! it becomes a sexual fetish that resurfaces and lasts for years to come.
Read: If you’re of the live, breathe, eat, sleep fetish nature, no one can prevent you from expressing your fetish and you are already further ahead on your fetish journey than most will ever go ….for you know the importance of embracing your fetish. Which brings me to the crux of today’s discussion.
You see, the thing about fetishes is, especially if you keep them hidden and tied up in your closet, a secret from the rest of the world, they then have a tendency to go sour, fast. An unchecked, unaccepted, unappreciated fetish has the propensity of becoming an obsession and a compulsion.
Your best bet is to fly your fetish flag, by this I don’t mean that you have to be loud, proud and out of the closet. Just be realistic. Embrace your fetish! If you have a partner, this is especially true, let your partner in on what it is that turns you on. Fetishes are great for fantasies and role-play, which in turn are great ways to turn up the volume on and add spice to your relationship. Plus, your partner will feel appreciated and loved that you thought so highly of your relationship by letting him/her in on your little secret. And chances are, you will feel better, too.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Sex and Recovery, A Piece I wrote for GoodTherapy.Org

Dealing with Sex and Relationships in Recovery

At the very core of our lives is sexuality. Though as a society we are not quite exactly trained to talk openly and honestly about sex, nonetheless we grow up recognizing and knowing intrinsically the need we as human beings have for sex and the roles it plays at the very core of humanity, with of course it’s one of it’s main functions being procreation. And, what is the other function of sex? Well, pleasure, of course.

If only pleasure were such an easy thing for us to comprehend. As a society not only are were discouraged from talking about the pleasure that sex brings us, we are also led to recognize the detriments of deriving too much pleasure. The very lack of our society’s ability to openly acknowledge the things, which bring us pleasure, may also in turn cause us to abuse the things that bring us pleasure. It is known as hedonistic to throw oneself into pleasure all the way, to be unable to find a happy medium, middle ground or balance, and when all the other things in life begin to become neglected: work, family, friends, finances, and so on. We have come to call this phenomenon as Addiction. And, when someone comes to the end of the rope with Addiction they often recognize that the only way to undo the damage is to go into what we call sobriety of recovery.

When an alcoholic or addict goes through recovery from a chemical dependency, too often sex is at the core but is one topic that often also gets neglected. Much of recovery is spent addressing the relationships, which affected and were affected by the addiction, coming to terms with our addictions and understanding ourselves in relation to and in connection to our higher spirit. All of these are indeed all very important things on the road of recovery. However, it is not every day that the role sex plays in an addiction is explored.
One of the first things to mention is that drug and drinking problems are often sexual problems in disguise. Sex plays a major role for too many individuals who become chemically dependent. And to break down its walls it's necessary to understand its effects.
Sexuality is often the one of the most fragile areas of a recovering individual’s torn self-image and esteem. Many of the issues of love and relationships that come up for addicts in recovery from alcoholism and other forms of chemical dependency have much to do with sexuality once the walls broken down.
Sexual fears and insecurities may often be the force that drives a user to drinking or drug use in the first place. For example, many professionals point to early sexual abuse as the place where some anxieties begin. It has been recognized that childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor in drug dependence. Research indicates that of all the patients in treatment about half have been raped or abused, while a third are victims of incest. So, as practitioners we have to recognize that sexual abuse may be damaging to feelings of self-worth, which in and of itself is a risk factor for drug use and abuse.

Not only is sexual abuse is a major contributor to addiction. Sexual and gender stereotypes are another. Some of the tried and true gender roles still hold true in our society, even though we are seeing progress and change. Many women are still the primary home caregivers, putting the needs of men and children ahead of their own, neglecting their own need for support and intimacy. And, men are often still expected to be the initiators, the aggressors, and the breadwinners forgetting to express their emotions and feelings. Ignoring our needs and feelings are risk factors for addiction.

In treatment we learn that preserving sobriety involves more than merely reshaping the habits of drug or chemical use, it also requires throwing away stereotypes and reshaping the old attitudes that have been hammered in over the years. In treatment the addict learns to start taking care of his/her own needs. The addict learns to address feelings, and to address emotions for recovery depends on it. The individual in recovery must talk about things like sexual abuse, sexual gender roles and stereotypes. And, likewise must also talk openly talk about his/her sex life.

The key is to deal with sex after sobriety. Avoiding sex may leave one poorly prepared to cultivate relationships that don't revolve around for example, singles bars and drinking, causing an addict to lose that hard-earned sobriety within months, if not weeks. Unless treatment addresses both the dependency and sexuality, recovering addicts risk relapse with every close romantic encounter. Most treatment programs do recognize that it takes two to repair a relationship strained by years of chemical abuse, and will incorporate the partner of the addict.

And even though many addicts may feel like doing so in recovery, running away from sex is not realistic, so it's better to put sex in the context of feelings and factors that make up the whole person. Here are some things for the addict to remember when it comes to sex:

1. Talk about sexual feelings of guilt and anger in order to heal. Addicts need to learn to recognize the patterns of feelings, sexual or otherwise, that drive them to drink or abuse substances. Only then are they ready for new relationships, or of rekindling that old relationship.

2. A recovering addict also needs to move slowly whether in a new or old relationship or if single. Concentrate on building self-confidence first and self-image before building up the sex life. For many it is even a good idea to wait, six months even a year before beginning a new sexual relationship. Couples should focus first on sharing time and feelings together before jumping back into bed and into their old, unstable, erratic sex life, and sex therapy is a good starting point.

3. Start over by focusing on really learning about our own bodies and feelings. The goal here is to help ease fears that sexual feelings are abnormal or strange. It is important to take the time to really learn (or re-learn) what one likes sexually. Couples should focus on sensuality and should take the pressure off of sex and orgasm for a while and instead do things like take bubble baths, sensual massage, and mutual masturbation, and openly communicate with each other about sex. It is important to recognize that just like there's more to alcoholism recovery than not drinking, there's more to sexuality than just sex.

An addict will very likely need to rewire his/her ideas about sex. Taking the time and talking openly about sex are the keys. And the addict who discovers that sex can be a bridge to intimacy, satisfaction, and a strong self-image is likely to find deeper, more honest and satisfying relationships - sexual and otherwise - at the other end.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

My Thoughts on Illicit Affairs... An Interview I did for American Curves Magazine "Taboo Women"

Some men really like the forbidden and I'd love your opinion of the pros and cons and the dangers of seeking out the following women:

Your Boss- This is dangerous territory for the Boss, as sexual harassment suits run rampant these days. But if you have a fantasy about being over-powered, dominated, or even humiliated by a woman this can be a sexy option. But you gotta be careful, don't wanna piss the boss off, hence you might lose your job.

Your buddy's mom- This could be dangerous territory for your friendship with your buddy. It's not everyday that a guy will jump for joy that his friend is sleeping with his mom, unless he's extremely open minded, real good friends with his mom or he's the one instigating the situation, so it's important to check the friendship first. Otherwise, if you have a Mom or older woman fantasy this can be extremely hot. Older women tend to know what they are doing sexually, right? It would seem likely.

Your buddy's girl- Again, dangerous territory for your friendship with your buddy. The only reason people resort to sleeping with their buddy's girl, is because they are either envious or jealous of their buddy, and/or they live in a small town where she is the hottest girl out there. There is just no good reason to go down this road, if you really care about your friendship with your buddy. On the other hand, if revenge on your buddy, or to inflict pain on your buddy is something you are looking for, this can be an extremely hot and powerful sexual exchange.

An employee you supervise- Again, this is dangerous territory for the supervisor, as sexual harassment suits run rampant these days. This can be hot though if you desire the submissive, subservient, adoring eyes of someone looking up to you. The power difference in this type of relationship can be hot, giving the supervisor a feeling of power.

The married woman- If the idea of sex with no strings attached works for you, then this can be an ideal situation, and if you are married then this can be an even better situation. I am not condoning infidelity but sex outside of marriage does happen. The appeal of having sex with a married woman is generally because you want her affections that she has for another, or you just want hot sex. Be very careful, this can get extremely messy if you both are not on the same page, and emotions always have a tendency to get the better of us, so if you are going to engage in any type of illicit sexual act, set some ground rules first together. And, remember, that ground rules may sometimes be broken too, so tread carefully.

The woman of an enemy- If revenge on your enemy, or to inflict pain on your enemy is something you are looking for, this can be an extremely hot and powerful sexual exchange. but, be seriously aware of the consequences.

Your therapist- This is illegal, your therapist could lose her license. the appeal is that your therapist knows very intimate details about you and is an authority on your feelings. This can be hot, but do not engage in this behavior unless your therapist doesn't care about her career anymore.

Your parole officer- This is illegal, your parole officer could lose her job. the appeal is that your parole officer knows the crimes you have committed and is an authority on your behaviors. this can be hot, but do not engage in this behavior unless your PO doesn't care about her career anymore.

All of these could be seen as exciting, risk-filled and also ill-advised. YES.
What's the appeal and could they ever be a good idea? They are rarely a good idea.
BUT, if you are still going to engage in any type of illicit sexual act such as the ones mentioned above it is an extremely good idea to set some ground rules first together. And, if the illicit sexual relationship continues for longer periods of time it is advised to regularly revisit these ground rules. Communication is key. If not addressed on a regular basis ground rules, like all rules may be broken too, so with morals aside and loins posed tread carefully, diligently and with focused intent.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Let's Talk About Masturbation..Article I wrote for Celebrity Fantasies Webzine

Let’s talk about masturbation. Masturbation is a very private and personal experience, which, if we choose, can be shared. Masturbation can be a healthy form of self -sexual exploration. Masturbation can help one develop an understanding of his/her likes and dislikes in terms of sexuality, what one finds arousing, what specific spots on the body are more exciting or excitable than others. Masturbation can provide elements of sexual discernment, growth and self-awareness. Giving oneself the time and space to explore personal sexual enjoyment in the form of masturbation can be a liberating experience and a life long journey, with the self. Masturbation can aid in relaxation as well. Recently it was brought to my attention that masturbation can be thought of as the introverted experience of sex. Knowing the self sexually through the self - learning and exploring one's own body to gather deeper knowledge about the self with regards to desire, fantasy, physical pleasure zones, etc. And the knowledge that is gained/acquired through this self exploration can be utilized either for social sex or be kept solely for private intimate pleasure or, at best, utilized for both depending on the mood!

These are the healthy elements of masturbation, in my opinion. The other healthy side of masturbation is our societies ability to talk about masturbation openly. This would make talking about masturbation openly both with your partner easier and would remind our society to recognize that the majority of people do masturbate either regularly or at least have done it at some point in time in their life.

But talking openly about Masturbation has a long way to go. When couples present in my office for Psychotherapy focusing on intimacy, relationships and sex, one of the first questions that comes into question is masturbation. How comfortable is a person with his or her own body. As mentioned above, masturbation can provide an individual with elements of sexual discernment and awareness, aiding in learning about our bodies. When a couple has intimacy problems too often I am faced with people’s reluctance to talk about their masturbation practices with and in front of their partner. I have even come across those who say they don’t masturbate, and have never masturbated, and these individuals are commonly women. Many religious communities frown on masturbation, often spreading myths such as “Masturbation will make you blind,” or “Masturbation will prevent you from having babies.” These are obvious superstitions that are not based in scientific evidence nor any real logical thought. Couples cannot expect to move beyond the notion that ‘Sex is for procreation only’ if they withhold to these religious, and in my opinion antiquated views. It does not call for healthy sexuality. It does not allow the truths about human sexuality to be discussed openly. My question to these couples then is, How do you expect to please your lover when you cannot even please yourself?

In order to be able to communicate to your lover your wants and desires in the bedroom you have to know what they are first. Not to mention, masturbation itself can actually be an enjoyable part of togetherness and sex, also known as mutual masturbation. Breaking down the barriers to begin talking about masturbation can be a long process, especially when we as a society have been conditioned to think of masturbation as dirty and undesirable. Society needs to accept masturbation as human, and natural.

Taboo ideals of sex and masturbation have had other effects on our society as well. From rape to exhibitionism, the inability of our society to talk about sex and masturbation in a realistic and open manner forces sex into the shadows. Secretive and silent has become sexy and the breakdown of relationships, morals, self esteem and communication as a whole society has been the result.

With the mass production of Internet porn, coupled with anonymity of the Internet, a safe space to watch pornography and masturbate is now available in most people’s homes. This can bring about feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, joy and intimacy. But because of our societies views about masturbation and sex, this can also bring about feelings of guilt, shame, and unfortunately can perpetuate unhealthy ideas about sex, sexuality, masturbation, including the stigma associated with internet pornography and the effects it’s existence has on relationships. Internet pornography has become increasingly more popular. So popular in fact that people are choosing this often at the expense of their live real-time relationships, because it offers an outlet with no judgment, and no strings attached. Thus, Internet porn has the propensity to become addicting. This can be deadly for a single individuals who lack of appropriate communication skills forcing them to seek out more passive forms of interaction rather than deal with the often, scarier face-to-face ones, and for the couple who doesn’t already have open honest conversations about masturbation and sex. It’s a vicious cycle for our society and really at the end of the day it always boils down to communication. Learning to talk openly about sex and masturbation. Learning to communicate with your partner. Learning to address sexual issues openly and honestly.
Communication is the key, masturbation is just one subject among many, that are sexual in nature, that have been given a bad name.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Threesome...article I wrote for Lip Service Webzine

MAN UP and OWN YOUR THREESOME!

My boyfriend keeps joking around about us having a threesome with another woman. He keeps saying it would be hot to bring a third person- another woman- into the bedroom. I usually ignore him, but more recently he has become more persistent and he even asked if i would seriously consider it. I'm confused, I want to please him. I've never been with a woman, and I fear this means he doesn't love me. He says he does love me, and this is just to spice up our sex life. ~ Francesca

Girl, my first question, Is this something you want to do? I mean you said you’ve been ignoring him until now, and that just makes me think a threesome is not something you’re really all that into. Why the hell would you even consider a three-way after ignoring it for several months? You have to have some desire to have a threesome before blindly doing so just to please your boyfriend, give me a fucking break....You are a sexual being too with a mind of your own, right?

You should only get involved in a ménage a trios (that’s French for three-some) if you want it, not because you want to please him. That would be a mess. He’d get what he wants and you’d get lost somewhere in-between the sheets. Ewwww. Have some self-respect already. I mean you guys can trade, say for example, if a threesome isn't really your thing but you might be willing to do it if he is willing to do something sexy and HOT for you in return. Don’t give up the goods without making sure there is something in it for you in return.

And just for the record, threesomes can be scary, messy and complicated. And just by pure virtue of the physics, someone could potentially end up feeling left out or hurt. Jealousy and insecurity are relationship and passion killers and there is no room for that crap in a three-way. To have a threesome you gotta put that jealous, insecure, “I don’t know if he loves me,” bullshit aside. Can you do that? I mean if you are in a trusting and stable relationship with someone, jealousy can be something you address openly. The thing about jealousy and insecurity, too, is that a threesome won't be enjoyable. These are pretty serious, heavy and deadly emotions to be hanging around in the air should you decide to bring another woman, man or pony into your midst. Deadly.
Threesomes can also be an excellent way to explore your fantasies for swinging, voyeurism, exhibitionism and same sex relations.

The point is that you need to stand up to yourself and to your boyfriend. If you are going to even consider it at all you have to flat out 1. Know what you want and 2. Ask him what he wants. What is his idea of a threesome? Does he mean penetration, oral sex, anal sex? Get the details out of him. Girl, you need to know. Don’t let him push you around all willy-nilly. Let him know what you are and aren’t ok with. Maybe you don't want him to kiss her. Maybe you don't want him to fuck her doggy style but you are willing to watch a little from-the-behind action while he's spooning her, and maybe you are interested in tasting her fruits but you just haven’t come to terms with your freaky side yet, which is something else you might need to address and own. Who the hell knows, my point is that you have to know what you want, and then own it. You have to know what you can and cannot handle and these limits (or lack there-of) really do need to be discussed, and defined, so you can both be satiated.

If your boyfriend says something to the effect of, “All these fucking rules will spoil the moment”, tell him to grow up and grow a real set of nuts. He needs to recognize that your relationship needs to be stable and on solid ground first for a threesome and your relationship to work. You two must be on the same page. The rest can and will happen spontaneously, and “in the moment.” The bottom line is that you want to please him and get your needs met too. What “man” wouldn’t want that? (Throw the word “man” in there to really drive the nail in…. men cannot handle women thinking they are somehow less than full grown…. To them size is everything..) If he still does not want to define parameters with you, seems unwilling to meet you half way and/or thinks you are being overly sensitive/insecure/jealous/whatever, then frankly he needs to shove off and go have a three-some with his hand and some lotion, as his motives for having a threesome may not be as genuine as you’d like to think.... I have news for you sister, he might actually be one of those sleaze-balls looking to have his cake and eat it too.... Just tell him “Sorry, dude,” the threesome is not happening and neither are you!

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Dirty Talk...Article I wrote for Lip Service Webzine

Talking The Talk
So you’ve got this new sweetie and you are wondering how to please him/her in bed? Or maybe you two have been together for a million years but geez, the sex just seems so monotonous, and just seems to lag. Well, I’m here to talk to you about the importance of sexy talk, dirty talk and of basically just talking the talk.

Sure, there are a million ways and a million of ideas of how you should spice up your life in the bedroom, how you should dress, what toys you should buy, and a million answers to your questions, how do I please my partner in bed? But talking dirty is one of the oldest, easiest, sexiest, kinkiest and quickest ways to bring your partner to the maximum density of arousal.

Well, that just spoils the moment. WHAT?!? Are you kidding me? If I could tell you how many times I heard that…. WRONG, let me let you in on a little dirty secret. There is nothing worse than silence. You think those ooohs, and aaahs are enough? Nope, sisters and brothers, if you want to really get yourself and your partner off you need to speak up. Sure, coyness is cute for a while, but if you really want to knock the socks off then speak up.

Speaking up can come in many forms too. I have broken them down into categories for ease of understanding.

First of all, there is what I call sexy talk. This is saying things that are sweet, yummy and desirable and let your partner know that you think of them not just as the wonderful and fabulous person that they are, but that you desire them, want to kiss them, smell them, take off their clothes, etc... Sending them text messages throughout the day “I’m thinking about kissing your ______ (name body part here),” or “I’m touching myself thinking about you,” I don’t really care what it says, but letting your partner know throughout your hectic and busy days filled with annoying co-workers and deadlines and you are still able to think about them being sexy, is a turn on. Not just “I miss u,” or “I love u” but “I want 2 x u,” “I want 2 rip ur clothes off,” “get home so I can fuck u.” You know what I am saying. See the thing about this kind of talk throughout the day is that it in and of itself is a form of foreplay. It not only lets your partner know you desire them and think about them, tt gets you and your partner thinking sexy, thinking dirty so when you two finally see each other, guess what? All this pressure has already built up, and you find yourself in the throes of passion and you haven’t even touched one another.


And there is more to come. No pun intended, but now that you are in each other’s presence and you really need to turn up the heat just a few sexy words and dirty phrases can really kick the moment into high gear. This is what I call dirty talk. Saying things like, “I want to feel you inside of me,” or “I want you to cum on my cock,” “You’re driving me crazy,” seriously (and no laughing either!) this makes your partner 1) feel desired and 2) is music to the ears, the only problem you might encounter is arousal, erections, orgasms and ejaculations….

The third very important aspect of all this talk talk talk, is communication. How can your partner please you properly if you don’t tell them what you want, need and like? It’s all communication, telling your partner where to put his/her hand, how you like it, to go faster or slower, are all forms of sexy talk and dirty talk too, except that this type of tlalk also serves the purpose of letting your partner know what to do. Sex isn’t a science, it’s an art. And, what better show off your creativity than to let your partner in on the unique ways in which to please you.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

No Strings Attached...Article I wrote for Lip Service Webzine

(This is a piece I wrote for Kill City/LipService Webzine. They are a Goth clothing company. They wanted "edgy". Not really my voice here.)
Hit The Sack, No Strings Attached....Reasons to get a Fuck Buddy.

I'm a twenty something year old woman, and all the men I go out with on dates all seem to be ready to settle down and get married after the second date. I’m not ready for that. I don't want a relationship right now, but if I find him sexy does it mean I should also sacrifice my sexual drive, needs and desires?

Girlfriend, You are a modern read: SEXUAL Woman. You need to ROAR. Last I checked it was 2009, which means we are no longer in the 1950's, we don't have to fear that repressive backwards ass shit which had women tied unwittingly to their kitchen appliances. Today, we women aka LIONESS VAMPS are in charge of countries and bodies of water. Recognize this now and take full advantage of it.

Ok, So, enough of the hail women’s lib feminist mumbo jumbo, you want me to spell it out for you?
What it sounds like you really need is a fuck buddy (or two or three or four....I mean who's counting anyway?) What you don't want (nor need is a boyfriend.) And amen to you for admitting it. Boyfriends and relationships require time and effort, and if you don’t want babies or marriage, then I say why not just stay away from boyfriends. Boyfriends can be a pain in the ass, and a total time and energy suck. They always want more, and need more. They will rarely just want to fuck you and leave; they actually want to spend time with you. Ick. It just doesn't sound like you have the time nor the desire to make the time to have a boyfriend right now. And to that I say more power to you.
Like I said, those days of looking at every sexual encounter as having to happen with someone you are 'in love' with or even dating are over. You are an independent woman and if you want to, and love to have sex with the men you are attracted to, (and if they are willing participants of course) then I say go for it. Sure, you’ll have the judgmental nay-sayers, read: the chastity belt wearing step-ford housewife types who live to please a man and to have babies, who will frown upon it and call it meaningless sex, or promiscuity but trust me they're just envious of your self confidence, independence and freedom. And, then there are the bra-burning hairy-legged women who call it evolved sex. Let's just fucking call it like it is, it's Sex, plain and simple. There’s nothing wrong with just sex either, if that’s what you want. Men have been reaping the benefits of 'just sex' in our society for decades. I’d like to think that as a society that we’ve evolved past the 'whore,' and 'slut,' labels attached to women who enjoy sex with someone who isn't their boyfriend, fiance' or husband. Women enjoy sex. YES. Get used to it.

There’s a distinct difference between fuck buddies and boyfriends. Fuck buddies, are buddies who just fuck. If you don’t want to fertilize your garden or recognize anything other than the physical attraction between you two, and if you don’t want to consummate a relationship then what you really need is to get a fuck buddy, a hot piece of ass to come over and fuck you (frequency is entirely up to you) and then leave. Hot sex is the only thing a fuck buddy can and should be expected to deliver. Anything more is approaching dangerously close to relationship territory, which brings relationship problems. And, if you don’t want the problems of a cumbersome relationship getting in the way of an unbridled sex life, don't be afriad to let out your inner vixen and tell that man (men, women or what have you) straight up, "No Strings Attached."


Now this is not necessarily for the everyone, and definitely not for the faint of heart. For one, we still as a society have ideas about sex and promiscuity. Secondly, for some people sex is an intimate and emotional experience, reserved for a single person with whom they feel very close with and have a connection with. So be honest with yourself about what you desire, and be honest with the person about your desires too. In a perfect world the desires will be reciprecrated.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy