Dealing with Sex and Relationships in Recovery
At the very core of our lives is sexuality. Though as a society we are not quite exactly trained to talk openly and honestly about sex, nonetheless we grow up recognizing and knowing intrinsically the need we as human beings have for sex and the roles it plays at the very core of humanity, with of course it’s one of it’s main functions being procreation. And, what is the other function of sex? Well, pleasure, of course.
If only pleasure were such an easy thing for us to comprehend. As a society not only are were discouraged from talking about the pleasure that sex brings us, we are also led to recognize the detriments of deriving too much pleasure. The very lack of our society’s ability to openly acknowledge the things, which bring us pleasure, may also in turn cause us to abuse the things that bring us pleasure. It is known as hedonistic to throw oneself into pleasure all the way, to be unable to find a happy medium, middle ground or balance, and when all the other things in life begin to become neglected: work, family, friends, finances, and so on. We have come to call this phenomenon as Addiction. And, when someone comes to the end of the rope with Addiction they often recognize that the only way to undo the damage is to go into what we call sobriety of recovery.
When an alcoholic or addict goes through recovery from a chemical dependency, too often sex is at the core but is one topic that often also gets neglected. Much of recovery is spent addressing the relationships, which affected and were affected by the addiction, coming to terms with our addictions and understanding ourselves in relation to and in connection to our higher spirit. All of these are indeed all very important things on the road of recovery. However, it is not every day that the role sex plays in an addiction is explored.
One of the first things to mention is that drug and drinking problems are often sexual problems in disguise. Sex plays a major role for too many individuals who become chemically dependent. And to break down its walls it's necessary to understand its effects.
Sexuality is often the one of the most fragile areas of a recovering individual’s torn self-image and esteem. Many of the issues of love and relationships that come up for addicts in recovery from alcoholism and other forms of chemical dependency have much to do with sexuality once the walls broken down.
Sexual fears and insecurities may often be the force that drives a user to drinking or drug use in the first place. For example, many professionals point to early sexual abuse as the place where some anxieties begin. It has been recognized that childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor in drug dependence. Research indicates that of all the patients in treatment about half have been raped or abused, while a third are victims of incest. So, as practitioners we have to recognize that sexual abuse may be damaging to feelings of self-worth, which in and of itself is a risk factor for drug use and abuse.
Not only is sexual abuse is a major contributor to addiction. Sexual and gender stereotypes are another. Some of the tried and true gender roles still hold true in our society, even though we are seeing progress and change. Many women are still the primary home caregivers, putting the needs of men and children ahead of their own, neglecting their own need for support and intimacy. And, men are often still expected to be the initiators, the aggressors, and the breadwinners forgetting to express their emotions and feelings. Ignoring our needs and feelings are risk factors for addiction.
In treatment we learn that preserving sobriety involves more than merely reshaping the habits of drug or chemical use, it also requires throwing away stereotypes and reshaping the old attitudes that have been hammered in over the years. In treatment the addict learns to start taking care of his/her own needs. The addict learns to address feelings, and to address emotions for recovery depends on it. The individual in recovery must talk about things like sexual abuse, sexual gender roles and stereotypes. And, likewise must also talk openly talk about his/her sex life.
The key is to deal with sex after sobriety. Avoiding sex may leave one poorly prepared to cultivate relationships that don't revolve around for example, singles bars and drinking, causing an addict to lose that hard-earned sobriety within months, if not weeks. Unless treatment addresses both the dependency and sexuality, recovering addicts risk relapse with every close romantic encounter. Most treatment programs do recognize that it takes two to repair a relationship strained by years of chemical abuse, and will incorporate the partner of the addict.
And even though many addicts may feel like doing so in recovery, running away from sex is not realistic, so it's better to put sex in the context of feelings and factors that make up the whole person. Here are some things for the addict to remember when it comes to sex:
1. Talk about sexual feelings of guilt and anger in order to heal. Addicts need to learn to recognize the patterns of feelings, sexual or otherwise, that drive them to drink or abuse substances. Only then are they ready for new relationships, or of rekindling that old relationship.
2. A recovering addict also needs to move slowly whether in a new or old relationship or if single. Concentrate on building self-confidence first and self-image before building up the sex life. For many it is even a good idea to wait, six months even a year before beginning a new sexual relationship. Couples should focus first on sharing time and feelings together before jumping back into bed and into their old, unstable, erratic sex life, and sex therapy is a good starting point.
3. Start over by focusing on really learning about our own bodies and feelings. The goal here is to help ease fears that sexual feelings are abnormal or strange. It is important to take the time to really learn (or re-learn) what one likes sexually. Couples should focus on sensuality and should take the pressure off of sex and orgasm for a while and instead do things like take bubble baths, sensual massage, and mutual masturbation, and openly communicate with each other about sex. It is important to recognize that just like there's more to alcoholism recovery than not drinking, there's more to sexuality than just sex.
An addict will very likely need to rewire his/her ideas about sex. Taking the time and talking openly about sex are the keys. And the addict who discovers that sex can be a bridge to intimacy, satisfaction, and a strong self-image is likely to find deeper, more honest and satisfying relationships - sexual and otherwise - at the other end.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
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