Though the definition varies from source to source, the basic idea behind healthy sexuality lies in the ability to accept and embrace one’s sexual side, including our bodies and integrate this into our psyche in ways that are functional and positive, and not harmful. For me this means the integration of our animalistic, or kinky, dirty nature with our emotional self, attaching positive and/or neutral meaning to the urges, which are biologically considered natural.
What turns us on and what we find arousing all too often, however is what is also considered dirty and kinky, and unfortunately often falls into categories considered taboo and unmentionable. Not to mention may often even include the demoralizing of women, children and men, and also sometimes having sexist or racial content and/or the like.
But the disconnect happens when we liken these animalistic drives, our dirty and kinky natures, and try to meld them with our desire to be monogamous and develop deep connections within long-term relationships. Society tells us that being sexual, romantic and intimate is preferable when done with the person we love and whom we should also to procreate with. We are told that sex should be about emotional connectedness, trust and love. The media, and the movies we watch of love stories and romance portray romantic love and sex going hand-in-hand down the yellow brick road of joy and bliss to Emerald city. What our the media and our society doesn’t address is what happens once we get to Emerald city and that romantic love turns into attachment love. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love suggests that romantic love though wonderful is unstable, and not so good for child-rearing, vs. the final stage of love, or attachment love, is characterized by feelings of calm, security, social comfort and emotional union, and allows cooperation in raising children.
And it is in this final stage of what Helen calls attachment love is what I see in my office as being the time where most of couples sexual and arousal problems occur. At some point many couples in long-term relationships will throw away that kinky side and focus on the other stuffs of relationships and life. Such as family, kids, career, house, and thereby ignoring the animalistic sexual urges that naturally exist in all of us. What we fail to recognize is that those animalistic sexual urges need and want to find some expression, and too often we will find we’ve either lost the voice because we’ve ignored it for so long, or that we never even had it. Then in an attempt to find balance and to express that side, we often either feel like we cannot or may resort to other avenues to getting such needs met, such as cheating/infidelity or becoming excessively interested in porn, which in turn, may jeopardize our happy home. Alternatively if we learn to embrace our kinky and dirty side, and make a conscientious effort to develop it, then share it and express it with our partner openly while in the bedroom we may find less of a need for these other outlets. Just because you are in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you can’t revert to your dirty ole self when you’re having sex, in fact you might just need to if you want to keep that spark alive, not just in your relationship, but in yourself as well.
The point I am trying to make is that you have to find balance, you cannot omit your kinky, dirty side, because some of it fuels your sexuality. Stay true to yourself, and to the integrity of who you want to be. This should include your sexual self and animalistic nature. Recognize that being dirty sometimes should be allowed within your relationship as well as is accepted and needed.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT.
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