Tony: If you have a friend who you have sex with--what are the rules?
Mou :"Friends with benefits" can be an excellent source of bonding, sharing and intimacy and the rules vary from relationship to relationship. Often times friendships turn into relationships and vice versa. In my opinion friendship should always come first. Lust, passion, romance, desire are things which ebb and flow but friendship can and should be seen as a constant. With that said, friends can often not depend on exclusivity as in our culture friends is not always synonymous with committed relationship. Committed relationship often connotes further expectations including exclusivity and other rules mostly pertaining to monogamy. Unfortunately too often the rules and ties that come with monogamy, exclusivity, marriage and relationships can do a number to even the best of friendships.
Tony: What are the rules on exclusivity?
Mou: Obviously this varies from situation to situation. Many times friends engage in sex and one or both partners are involved, married or otherwise. Obviously no exclusivity there. In our society, it is probably safe to say that friends cannot and would not expect exclusivity from a 'friends with benefits' type of situation, but then again this always depends on the type of friendship and the type of relationship they are embarking on.
Tony: What are the rules on dates with this person?
Mou:To me, 'dates' indicate that a line from friends to more-than-friends might be being crossed. Again this depends on the individuals. I definitely think that setting up some rules is always a good idea. People know what to expect and what is expected of them when rules are created. But often times its because of the lack of rules that friends often get involved, and it is the actual development of rules that creates the distinction between friends and relationships.
Tony:What are the sexual rules--who gets pleased, what acts are okay?
Mou:Again, this depends on the two people involved. If either or both involved are in relationships outside of the friendship there may be certain acts which are off limits. Too much comfort between friends also can make it harder to engage in specific acts. Between friends it could go either way, on one extreme where experimenting is more open and expected to the opposite extreme where familiarity can breed a sort of dulling of physical senses and heightened emotional connectedness.
Tony:Why do these arrangements end?
Mou:My guess would be that these arrangements often end when one person decides to move on. Or if one person falls for the other. Generally in a "friends with benefits" situation one or both parties involved admittedly does not see the other as a long term prospect, does not want a long term relationship or some situation in which long term relationship status does not come into play is in effect here. Ideally, both parties involved see eye-to-eye on this, but unfortunately too often feelings are not reciprocated and this is when these arrangements likely come to an end. Ideally, both parties involved will agree to stay friends.
Tony:Are they necessarily unhealthy?
Mou:Not at all, a "Friends with Benefits" situation can be extremely healthy as long as the lines of communication are kept open. If both parties openly, genuninely and honestly communicate his/her wants, needs and desires of the relationship and agree that the "FRIENDSHIP" is the most important and comes first then this situation can be extremely healthy. My motto is "Friendship first." Make an agreement both with yourself and with each other to be the best friend you can be to this person no matter what and it can overcome a lot of the unwanted negative emotions that can get mixed in. Maintaining objectivity is key.
Tony:How do you find a friend who likes to have sex with no other expectations?
Mou:Be honest if your attracted to someone, friends or not, and then make it known that their friendship is of utmost importance, at the end of it all.
Tony:Can the sex be any good?
Mou: Absolutely, as long as the emotions are in check, and/or reciprocated as in any relationship. Rules are good. Rules with yourself about being a good friend is the best place to start, and hopefully it will be shared with the friend.
