When relationships first start out they are often filled with anticipation, excitement, and even anxiety, and fear about the potential for the possibilities of the future, coupled with fear of the unknown: Does she like me? Does he think I am sexy? Does she want to kiss me? Does he want to be with me long term? Not to mention getting to learn about the other person, his/her communication styles, lifestyle, past history and/or baggage, and of course our expectations for the future. All of these unknown variables cause for an exciting, often exhilarating and whirlwind of a time. Excitement, anxiety, fear, and anticipation, you guessed it, all contribute to arousal. Arousal is a physiological and state of increased heart rate and blood pressure and a condition of sensory alertness, mobility and readiness to respond. And psychological of course this heightened state of alertness and being can also lead to great sex.
When relationships get past this stage, supposing all the stars line up and the two parties acknowledge that each other is worth keeping around, and mutual agreements are thus made that allow for an ongoing connection, often some, if not all of the excitement and anticipation fades, and with it so does the anxiety, fear of the unknown, in many cases arousal.
Instead what does grow and replace those anticipatory feelings is comfort, security, maybe boredom, or maybe conflict, disagreements, and arguments, which can lead to resentment, anger, depression and a host of other psychological and emotional maladies that can feel like death to the once exciting, romantic and happy relationship.
It’s natural also for arousal, sexual activity, passion and romance all to wane. These are usually affected indirectly by one of the aforementioned bigger issues.
I like to suggest three quick fixes for couples, that rely on memories, to help ignite that feeling that was brought on in the initial days. Memories are a powerful tool in relationships as relationships are built, and last for a given amount of time.
1. Reminisce. Go down memory lane. Do this often. When couples start to talk about how they met, and remember all the details which caused them to fall in love with their partner in the first place, their eyes and hearts will often soften. No, this is not a long-term fix but this can be a quick reminder of why you two decided to embark on this journey together.
2. Take a vacation. Together. Yes, this is about getting away from the day to day, the chores, the kids perhaps, but it’s more so about creating MORE exciting, positive memories together. You need to constantly create new and fresh memories to make this relationship worth remembering.
3. Take a vacation. Alone. Yes this is about remembering who you are, and more so about missing each other, and remembering why you chose to be with this person and not stay single.
Don’t be afraid to stir things up in the relationship. Take the reins to create positive moments with your partner, and even create some change and instability. These moments are what will strengthen the relationship in the future, creating more excitement and maybe even getting you back to where you started, if you want.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.
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