When we think of sex therapy we generally assume this takes place with and is for adults or couples only. But in actuality there is a gamut of information and work that can and should be done with children in therapy and in their daily lives.
If you are a parent, an aunt/uncle, a much older sibling you already know that when it comes to the subject of sex and our children, we walk around on eggshells. The truth of the matter is that children are sexual beings from the very day they are born and to deprive them of sexual knowledge and their own natural expressions we do them a huge injustice, often retarding, or maiming their sexual development and growth.
We worry about overstimulation: that we are somehow being voyeuristic when we encourage kids to talk about sex. We worry that we might encourage or victimize them by educating and informing them. As educators, we worry about not having the parent’s permission. We assume also that many children live in a world where they are protected from sexually explicit material. Yet, I think we know that even the most protected child is exposed to material such as TV, porn, videos of an erotic nature (such as cheerleading and music videos), video games, erotic cartoon characters and so forth. And, all of this info is confusing, yet exciting, and also can be overstimulating. Parents cannot monitor everything, but we can provide the kids with tools to make informed choices. Kids today will be exposed to a lot of sexual content, and will need help to understand/process it.
It’s important to recognize that children are sexual beings. Children explore their bodies alone and with each other. This is normal behavior and should not be shunned. I am referring here to masturbation and mutual exploration (ie playing ‘doctor’ or ‘house’.) Please note: I am not referring to sexual play between two or more youths of disparaging age, or an adult with a child. Age is key here, a child is naturally inquisitive and curious about his/her body. An older individual should not exploit this. (This is illegal and punishable, and we call it sexual abuse) It is important to know, however, that true same-age or close in age peer exploration is a part of natural and normal sexual development.
An example I make is of two girls age 8, who are found being sexual in bed. The parents decide to punish the girls, and separate them from future play dates. The parents are confused, and shocked, they perceive this behavior is wrong.
It is important to know that true peer exploration is common and is also often done with a peer of the same sex. Masturbation is also a natural part of sexual development.
Punishment and shunning of these normal and natural behaviors may lead to shame and guilt about sexuality in adulthood and sexual confusion and embarrassment throughout developmet.
A great book to read on this matter is Sex Therapy and Kids, by Sharon Lamb. If you are feeling ill equipped, under informed, or worrisome about talking about sex, it is important to know that when we’re silent that we’re not providing assistance and that the teens aren’t getting the adult help they need.
When we are silent in response to sexual material brought up by children and/or teenager, we mimic and reproduce the world the child is exposed to every day, one that excites and confuses him/her and provides them with little guidance or space for processing. As adults, it is important for us to take the lead and teach.
A trained psychotherapist in the area of sexuality can also be a great place to start. Punishment and silence send the wrong messages about sex. There is too much uncensored information out there to risk not talking to your kids and/or teenagers about sex.
Much of the info provided in this article was provided by Sex Therapy and Kids by Sharon Lamb.
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©Copyright 2011 by Moushumi Ghose, MFT, Sex Therapist in West Hollywood, CA
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