Let’s talk about masturbation. Masturbation is a very private and personal experience, which, if we choose, can be shared. Masturbation can be a healthy form of self -sexual exploration. Masturbation can help one develop an understanding of his/her likes and dislikes in terms of sexuality, what one finds arousing, what specific spots on the body are more exciting or excitable than others. Masturbation can provide elements of sexual discernment, growth and self-awareness. Giving oneself the time and space to explore personal sexual enjoyment in the form of masturbation can be a liberating experience and a life long journey, with the self. Masturbation can aid in relaxation as well. Recently it was brought to my attention that masturbation can be thought of as the introverted experience of sex. Knowing the self sexually through the self - learning and exploring one's own body to gather deeper knowledge about the self with regards to desire, fantasy, physical pleasure zones, etc. And the knowledge that is gained/acquired through this self exploration can be utilized either for social sex or be kept solely for private intimate pleasure or, at best, utilized for both depending on the mood!
These are the healthy elements of masturbation, in my opinion. The other healthy side of masturbation is our societies ability to talk about masturbation openly. This would make talking about masturbation openly both with your partner easier and would remind our society to recognize that the majority of people do masturbate either regularly or at least have done it at some point in time in their life.
But talking openly about Masturbation has a long way to go. When couples present in my office for Psychotherapy focusing on intimacy, relationships and sex, one of the first questions that comes into question is masturbation. How comfortable is a person with his or her own body. As mentioned above, masturbation can provide an individual with elements of sexual discernment and awareness, aiding in learning about our bodies. When a couple has intimacy problems too often I am faced with people’s reluctance to talk about their masturbation practices with and in front of their partner. I have even come across those who say they don’t masturbate, and have never masturbated, and these individuals are commonly women. Many religious communities frown on masturbation, often spreading myths such as “Masturbation will make you blind,” or “Masturbation will prevent you from having babies.” These are obvious superstitions that are not based in scientific evidence nor any real logical thought. Couples cannot expect to move beyond the notion that ‘Sex is for procreation only’ if they withhold to these religious, and in my opinion antiquated views. It does not call for healthy sexuality. It does not allow the truths about human sexuality to be discussed openly. My question to these couples then is, How do you expect to please your lover when you cannot even please yourself?
In order to be able to communicate to your lover your wants and desires in the bedroom you have to know what they are first. Not to mention, masturbation itself can actually be an enjoyable part of togetherness and sex, also known as mutual masturbation. Breaking down the barriers to begin talking about masturbation can be a long process, especially when we as a society have been conditioned to think of masturbation as dirty and undesirable. Society needs to accept masturbation as human, and natural.
Taboo ideals of sex and masturbation have had other effects on our society as well. From rape to exhibitionism, the inability of our society to talk about sex and masturbation in a realistic and open manner forces sex into the shadows. Secretive and silent has become sexy and the breakdown of relationships, morals, self esteem and communication as a whole society has been the result.
With the mass production of Internet porn, coupled with anonymity of the Internet, a safe space to watch pornography and masturbate is now available in most people’s homes. This can bring about feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, joy and intimacy. But because of our societies views about masturbation and sex, this can also bring about feelings of guilt, shame, and unfortunately can perpetuate unhealthy ideas about sex, sexuality, masturbation, including the stigma associated with internet pornography and the effects it’s existence has on relationships. Internet pornography has become increasingly more popular. So popular in fact that people are choosing this often at the expense of their live real-time relationships, because it offers an outlet with no judgment, and no strings attached. Thus, Internet porn has the propensity to become addicting. This can be deadly for a single individuals who lack of appropriate communication skills forcing them to seek out more passive forms of interaction rather than deal with the often, scarier face-to-face ones, and for the couple who doesn’t already have open honest conversations about masturbation and sex. It’s a vicious cycle for our society and really at the end of the day it always boils down to communication. Learning to talk openly about sex and masturbation. Learning to communicate with your partner. Learning to address sexual issues openly and honestly.
Communication is the key, masturbation is just one subject among many, that are sexual in nature, that have been given a bad name.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
