Similarly, addictions develop out of a need to suppress, depress, repress, fight some sort of feelings we have whether it be sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. The compulsion is the using of drugs, alcohol, substance, and more recently we have come to acknowledge the addictions to other things such as food, sex, love, and companionship to combat our feelings.
Many groups have developed around the idea that sex and love can be used inappropriately (such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous- aka SLAA) and that there are also signs of addictions when it comes to these acts. Sex addiction, for example, is one we keep hearing more and more about in the media today with Hollywood celebrities like David Duchovny and Tiger Woods checking into sex rehab facilities. Things like sex and food are easily measured, and it is easy to agree on what ‘sex’ is, and what a sex addiction might look like. But one thing, which still may be elusive to many folks is this concept of love addiction.
Can love be addicting? It’s an interesting concept since we have yet to find a cohesive definition of what love even is, so how do we determine a love addiction? How can something as elusive as love be considered addicting? How can we determine that everyone who is married, in a relationship and/or who claims to be in love is not some sort of ‘love’ addict? Everyone’s definition of love is different.
It’s tricky and SLAA has some defined guidelines to determining a love addiction (http://www.slaafws.org/) and I prefer to call it companionship addiction. Companionship addiction is when the individual has an obsession with being in a partnership, or relationship, and/or feels the need to fill the empty space with a relationship to the point where it takes over their mind, body, focus and life. When they cannot focus on anything else but the relationship, in my opinion it definitely falls into the category of an addiction, or an obsession.
Organizations like SLAA and AA are definitely helpful as they provide an alternative to sitting at home fighting our feelings alone, but at some point the anxiety has to be self relieved, in order to truly break the pattern of addiction and obsession. If we think of the need for companionship, love, and relationships as an obsession then we will see some of the behaviors as compulsions. When we seek out these interactions based on these feelings, we are basically reacting to our anxiety. I like to suggest the idea of not reacting, or something known as non-reactivity. This tenet of Zen and Buddhist philosophies which has been adopted by many psychologists is akin to ‘sitting with our feelings.’ Instead of constantly seeking to relieve our anxiety, we choose to sit with it, listen, feel, and ultimately accept our anxiety and other discomforts as a part of our makeup, our journey, and our lives.
The first step to non-reactivity, not reacting and sitting with the anxiety is recognizing what anxiety looks and feels like. Many cannot see nor feel their anxiety, for they are too busy acting on a minute-by-minute basis, to avoid sitting with their feelings and listening to the inner voice. This means that we must first stop any and all activity what-so-ever, and practice sitting quietly, first and fore most. Then when you get the urge to do something, I.E. that antsy feeling to act or react to ease your desire, to instantly gratify a need, you then stop. You will eventually recognize that you are reacting to a feeling. This is at the core of any addiction. Love addiction is no different.
When you stop choosing partners to relieve your anxiety is when you can truly find love – whatever you decide that is.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
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