Hi Ms. Wilson,
I identify as a Transperson. I am 24 years old living in Pakistan. I have been on hormones for a bit more then a year now. I am androgynous by nature I suppose but mostly because I am clueless to stuff like fashion or anything and just go with whatever people would expect of me, which is being a man. Although since I am chronically shy and timid people mostly consider me feminine only because I am not masculine in any way. The term transgendered or gender Identity disorder define nonconformity to gender? But I do not fit into either stereotype. I have come across two controversial terms both of which I marginally identify with, one is Autogynephelia (I am not aroused by the thought of being a woman, but can only think of being a woman when I am aroused) and another is love-shyness (if not that, then social anxiety disorder and/or avoidant personality disorder). I have constantly lived in daydreams and fantasies of being a woman since my teenage years. I am self medicating I know I shouldn't and will be getting an appointment with an endocrinologist soon. Every time I consider maybe stopping hormones and trying to live like a man I get suicidally depressed. I know its not that big a deal, I should be able to live my life as a man. its only a kind of perception thing for me, kind of like a Body Dysmorphic disorder? or whatever. like when some one is terribly self conscious of being fat? (I am fat by the way) when I look at Hugh Jackman I can just swoon, except that I do not fancy ever looking like him in anyway. I desire? To look like a woman. except its tenfold because its about sexuality too. I am extremely attracted to woman (like raw lust, but I am very shy of woman, lose my nerves around em). And, I am always romantically attracted to men and can fantasize for days on end about being with one (as a woman) whether I masturbate or fantasize about being intimate with anyone its always as a woman with a man when I don't even know or am afraid that I may not even like it. I have never had a relationship in my life and am very socially inept.
Thank you,
Possum
Dear Possum
I have read your email and first want to commend you. It is not an easy thing to have the feelings that you have which go against the grain of what society wants you and tells you to be.
First of all I want to let you know that Sexuality is not black and white. There are no absolutes. These gender roles where you must be either man or woman and desire only a man or a woman are limited views and confine and repress us. Yes, sure some people do fall into one of the specific Gender role-defined categories, but there are many who like yourself absolutely do not, and the thought of living by those rules can cause one to get, as you said, "suicidally depressed." Completely unhealthy and in your case unrealistic.
I am not sure how they treat Transgender people in Pakistan, but I can imagine it is not with great acceptance nor understanding. You are probably taking the hormones from someone who sells them to you on the black market.
True, there are many different DSM Diagnoses (defined mental disorders) you can label yourself with, such as Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which grew out of our society's obsession with thinness, but can be generalized over Gender and other body image issues (the extensive need for Plastic Surgery, etc..) or Gender Identity Disorder which like you said basically defines a nonconformity to traditional gender roles. Autogynephelia is a term which suggests you get aroused by thinking of your self as a women which although is partially true, the term fetish-ices a mans sexual arousal to the thought or image of himself as a woman, and does not suggest this to be normal, and does not acknowledge our true natures as sexual human beings who ebb and flow with nature, morphing and evolving on a daily basis. And Love-shyness or Social Anxiety Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder all suggest to me that you lack the comfort, self-confidence and self esteem to talk to women, by virtue of the fact that you already don't fit into societies standards.
My point is that you cannot define yourself by what you read, see or hear in societies today. Their mind set limit human nature and do not allow human beings the space to express themselves as they would naturally and organically. These limited views and mindsets breed depression, suicide, anxiety and many other mental and physical ailments. The diagnoses are all based on a typicality of human nature suggested by society and are only there to serve as a guideline not as a way of defining your life.
It is unfortunate that you have to get your hormones on the Black market, but if this is all that is available to you to make you make more sense out of your life to feel whole, what other options do you have? Is it possible for you to get these hormones from a doctor in Pakistan? Without jeopardizing your life, family, etc?
If living as a man makes you horribly depressed then you should not attempt it.
Have you tried cross dressing? Can you do that on some sort increased gradiation? In my opinion Cross Dressing which allows you to dress up as a woman when you feel the desire and to continue being the biological man you were born as, when you desire, is your best option towards finding yourself and your true identity. To try to fit in and to confine yourself to societies rules and roles will only continue to contribute to your low self esteem and lack of self confidence, as it is does not allow you to be who you are, to be yourself.
Ms. Wilson
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