MAN UP and OWN YOUR THREESOME!
My boyfriend keeps joking around about us having a threesome with another woman. He keeps saying it would be hot to bring a third person- another woman- into the bedroom. I usually ignore him, but more recently he has become more persistent and he even asked if i would seriously consider it. I'm confused, I want to please him. I've never been with a woman, and I fear this means he doesn't love me. He says he does love me, and this is just to spice up our sex life. ~ Francesca
Girl, my first question, Is this something you want to do? I mean you said you’ve been ignoring him until now, and that just makes me think a threesome is not something you’re really all that into. Why the hell would you even consider a three-way after ignoring it for several months? You have to have some desire to have a threesome before blindly doing so just to please your boyfriend, give me a fucking break....You are a sexual being too with a mind of your own, right?
You should only get involved in a ménage a trios (that’s French for three-some) if you want it, not because you want to please him. That would be a mess. He’d get what he wants and you’d get lost somewhere in-between the sheets. Ewwww. Have some self-respect already. I mean you guys can trade, say for example, if a threesome isn't really your thing but you might be willing to do it if he is willing to do something sexy and HOT for you in return. Don’t give up the goods without making sure there is something in it for you in return.
And just for the record, threesomes can be scary, messy and complicated. And just by pure virtue of the physics, someone could potentially end up feeling left out or hurt. Jealousy and insecurity are relationship and passion killers and there is no room for that crap in a three-way. To have a threesome you gotta put that jealous, insecure, “I don’t know if he loves me,” bullshit aside. Can you do that? I mean if you are in a trusting and stable relationship with someone, jealousy can be something you address openly. The thing about jealousy and insecurity, too, is that a threesome won't be enjoyable. These are pretty serious, heavy and deadly emotions to be hanging around in the air should you decide to bring another woman, man or pony into your midst. Deadly.
Threesomes can also be an excellent way to explore your fantasies for swinging, voyeurism, exhibitionism and same sex relations.
The point is that you need to stand up to yourself and to your boyfriend. If you are going to even consider it at all you have to flat out 1. Know what you want and 2. Ask him what he wants. What is his idea of a threesome? Does he mean penetration, oral sex, anal sex? Get the details out of him. Girl, you need to know. Don’t let him push you around all willy-nilly. Let him know what you are and aren’t ok with. Maybe you don't want him to kiss her. Maybe you don't want him to fuck her doggy style but you are willing to watch a little from-the-behind action while he's spooning her, and maybe you are interested in tasting her fruits but you just haven’t come to terms with your freaky side yet, which is something else you might need to address and own. Who the hell knows, my point is that you have to know what you want, and then own it. You have to know what you can and cannot handle and these limits (or lack there-of) really do need to be discussed, and defined, so you can both be satiated.
If your boyfriend says something to the effect of, “All these fucking rules will spoil the moment”, tell him to grow up and grow a real set of nuts. He needs to recognize that your relationship needs to be stable and on solid ground first for a threesome and your relationship to work. You two must be on the same page. The rest can and will happen spontaneously, and “in the moment.” The bottom line is that you want to please him and get your needs met too. What “man” wouldn’t want that? (Throw the word “man” in there to really drive the nail in…. men cannot handle women thinking they are somehow less than full grown…. To them size is everything..) If he still does not want to define parameters with you, seems unwilling to meet you half way and/or thinks you are being overly sensitive/insecure/jealous/whatever, then frankly he needs to shove off and go have a three-some with his hand and some lotion, as his motives for having a threesome may not be as genuine as you’d like to think.... I have news for you sister, he might actually be one of those sleaze-balls looking to have his cake and eat it too.... Just tell him “Sorry, dude,” the threesome is not happening and neither are you!
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Sex, Love and Rock n Roll Radio
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Dirty Talk...Article I wrote for Lip Service Webzine
Talking The Talk
So you’ve got this new sweetie and you are wondering how to please him/her in bed? Or maybe you two have been together for a million years but geez, the sex just seems so monotonous, and just seems to lag. Well, I’m here to talk to you about the importance of sexy talk, dirty talk and of basically just talking the talk.
Sure, there are a million ways and a million of ideas of how you should spice up your life in the bedroom, how you should dress, what toys you should buy, and a million answers to your questions, how do I please my partner in bed? But talking dirty is one of the oldest, easiest, sexiest, kinkiest and quickest ways to bring your partner to the maximum density of arousal.
Well, that just spoils the moment. WHAT?!? Are you kidding me? If I could tell you how many times I heard that…. WRONG, let me let you in on a little dirty secret. There is nothing worse than silence. You think those ooohs, and aaahs are enough? Nope, sisters and brothers, if you want to really get yourself and your partner off you need to speak up. Sure, coyness is cute for a while, but if you really want to knock the socks off then speak up.
Speaking up can come in many forms too. I have broken them down into categories for ease of understanding.
First of all, there is what I call sexy talk. This is saying things that are sweet, yummy and desirable and let your partner know that you think of them not just as the wonderful and fabulous person that they are, but that you desire them, want to kiss them, smell them, take off their clothes, etc... Sending them text messages throughout the day “I’m thinking about kissing your ______ (name body part here),” or “I’m touching myself thinking about you,” I don’t really care what it says, but letting your partner know throughout your hectic and busy days filled with annoying co-workers and deadlines and you are still able to think about them being sexy, is a turn on. Not just “I miss u,” or “I love u” but “I want 2 x u,” “I want 2 rip ur clothes off,” “get home so I can fuck u.” You know what I am saying. See the thing about this kind of talk throughout the day is that it in and of itself is a form of foreplay. It not only lets your partner know you desire them and think about them, tt gets you and your partner thinking sexy, thinking dirty so when you two finally see each other, guess what? All this pressure has already built up, and you find yourself in the throes of passion and you haven’t even touched one another.
And there is more to come. No pun intended, but now that you are in each other’s presence and you really need to turn up the heat just a few sexy words and dirty phrases can really kick the moment into high gear. This is what I call dirty talk. Saying things like, “I want to feel you inside of me,” or “I want you to cum on my cock,” “You’re driving me crazy,” seriously (and no laughing either!) this makes your partner 1) feel desired and 2) is music to the ears, the only problem you might encounter is arousal, erections, orgasms and ejaculations….
The third very important aspect of all this talk talk talk, is communication. How can your partner please you properly if you don’t tell them what you want, need and like? It’s all communication, telling your partner where to put his/her hand, how you like it, to go faster or slower, are all forms of sexy talk and dirty talk too, except that this type of tlalk also serves the purpose of letting your partner know what to do. Sex isn’t a science, it’s an art. And, what better show off your creativity than to let your partner in on the unique ways in which to please you.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
So you’ve got this new sweetie and you are wondering how to please him/her in bed? Or maybe you two have been together for a million years but geez, the sex just seems so monotonous, and just seems to lag. Well, I’m here to talk to you about the importance of sexy talk, dirty talk and of basically just talking the talk.
Sure, there are a million ways and a million of ideas of how you should spice up your life in the bedroom, how you should dress, what toys you should buy, and a million answers to your questions, how do I please my partner in bed? But talking dirty is one of the oldest, easiest, sexiest, kinkiest and quickest ways to bring your partner to the maximum density of arousal.
Well, that just spoils the moment. WHAT?!? Are you kidding me? If I could tell you how many times I heard that…. WRONG, let me let you in on a little dirty secret. There is nothing worse than silence. You think those ooohs, and aaahs are enough? Nope, sisters and brothers, if you want to really get yourself and your partner off you need to speak up. Sure, coyness is cute for a while, but if you really want to knock the socks off then speak up.
Speaking up can come in many forms too. I have broken them down into categories for ease of understanding.
First of all, there is what I call sexy talk. This is saying things that are sweet, yummy and desirable and let your partner know that you think of them not just as the wonderful and fabulous person that they are, but that you desire them, want to kiss them, smell them, take off their clothes, etc... Sending them text messages throughout the day “I’m thinking about kissing your ______ (name body part here),” or “I’m touching myself thinking about you,” I don’t really care what it says, but letting your partner know throughout your hectic and busy days filled with annoying co-workers and deadlines and you are still able to think about them being sexy, is a turn on. Not just “I miss u,” or “I love u” but “I want 2 x u,” “I want 2 rip ur clothes off,” “get home so I can fuck u.” You know what I am saying. See the thing about this kind of talk throughout the day is that it in and of itself is a form of foreplay. It not only lets your partner know you desire them and think about them, tt gets you and your partner thinking sexy, thinking dirty so when you two finally see each other, guess what? All this pressure has already built up, and you find yourself in the throes of passion and you haven’t even touched one another.
And there is more to come. No pun intended, but now that you are in each other’s presence and you really need to turn up the heat just a few sexy words and dirty phrases can really kick the moment into high gear. This is what I call dirty talk. Saying things like, “I want to feel you inside of me,” or “I want you to cum on my cock,” “You’re driving me crazy,” seriously (and no laughing either!) this makes your partner 1) feel desired and 2) is music to the ears, the only problem you might encounter is arousal, erections, orgasms and ejaculations….
The third very important aspect of all this talk talk talk, is communication. How can your partner please you properly if you don’t tell them what you want, need and like? It’s all communication, telling your partner where to put his/her hand, how you like it, to go faster or slower, are all forms of sexy talk and dirty talk too, except that this type of tlalk also serves the purpose of letting your partner know what to do. Sex isn’t a science, it’s an art. And, what better show off your creativity than to let your partner in on the unique ways in which to please you.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
No Strings Attached...Article I wrote for Lip Service Webzine
(This is a piece I wrote for Kill City/LipService Webzine. They are a Goth clothing company. They wanted "edgy". Not really my voice here.)
Hit The Sack, No Strings Attached....Reasons to get a Fuck Buddy.
I'm a twenty something year old woman, and all the men I go out with on dates all seem to be ready to settle down and get married after the second date. I’m not ready for that. I don't want a relationship right now, but if I find him sexy does it mean I should also sacrifice my sexual drive, needs and desires?
Girlfriend, You are a modern read: SEXUAL Woman. You need to ROAR. Last I checked it was 2009, which means we are no longer in the 1950's, we don't have to fear that repressive backwards ass shit which had women tied unwittingly to their kitchen appliances. Today, we women aka LIONESS VAMPS are in charge of countries and bodies of water. Recognize this now and take full advantage of it.
Ok, So, enough of the hail women’s lib feminist mumbo jumbo, you want me to spell it out for you?
What it sounds like you really need is a fuck buddy (or two or three or four....I mean who's counting anyway?) What you don't want (nor need is a boyfriend.) And amen to you for admitting it. Boyfriends and relationships require time and effort, and if you don’t want babies or marriage, then I say why not just stay away from boyfriends. Boyfriends can be a pain in the ass, and a total time and energy suck. They always want more, and need more. They will rarely just want to fuck you and leave; they actually want to spend time with you. Ick. It just doesn't sound like you have the time nor the desire to make the time to have a boyfriend right now. And to that I say more power to you.
Like I said, those days of looking at every sexual encounter as having to happen with someone you are 'in love' with or even dating are over. You are an independent woman and if you want to, and love to have sex with the men you are attracted to, (and if they are willing participants of course) then I say go for it. Sure, you’ll have the judgmental nay-sayers, read: the chastity belt wearing step-ford housewife types who live to please a man and to have babies, who will frown upon it and call it meaningless sex, or promiscuity but trust me they're just envious of your self confidence, independence and freedom. And, then there are the bra-burning hairy-legged women who call it evolved sex. Let's just fucking call it like it is, it's Sex, plain and simple. There’s nothing wrong with just sex either, if that’s what you want. Men have been reaping the benefits of 'just sex' in our society for decades. I’d like to think that as a society that we’ve evolved past the 'whore,' and 'slut,' labels attached to women who enjoy sex with someone who isn't their boyfriend, fiance' or husband. Women enjoy sex. YES. Get used to it.
There’s a distinct difference between fuck buddies and boyfriends. Fuck buddies, are buddies who just fuck. If you don’t want to fertilize your garden or recognize anything other than the physical attraction between you two, and if you don’t want to consummate a relationship then what you really need is to get a fuck buddy, a hot piece of ass to come over and fuck you (frequency is entirely up to you) and then leave. Hot sex is the only thing a fuck buddy can and should be expected to deliver. Anything more is approaching dangerously close to relationship territory, which brings relationship problems. And, if you don’t want the problems of a cumbersome relationship getting in the way of an unbridled sex life, don't be afriad to let out your inner vixen and tell that man (men, women or what have you) straight up, "No Strings Attached."
Now this is not necessarily for the everyone, and definitely not for the faint of heart. For one, we still as a society have ideas about sex and promiscuity. Secondly, for some people sex is an intimate and emotional experience, reserved for a single person with whom they feel very close with and have a connection with. So be honest with yourself about what you desire, and be honest with the person about your desires too. In a perfect world the desires will be reciprecrated.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Hit The Sack, No Strings Attached....Reasons to get a Fuck Buddy.
I'm a twenty something year old woman, and all the men I go out with on dates all seem to be ready to settle down and get married after the second date. I’m not ready for that. I don't want a relationship right now, but if I find him sexy does it mean I should also sacrifice my sexual drive, needs and desires?
Girlfriend, You are a modern read: SEXUAL Woman. You need to ROAR. Last I checked it was 2009, which means we are no longer in the 1950's, we don't have to fear that repressive backwards ass shit which had women tied unwittingly to their kitchen appliances. Today, we women aka LIONESS VAMPS are in charge of countries and bodies of water. Recognize this now and take full advantage of it.
Ok, So, enough of the hail women’s lib feminist mumbo jumbo, you want me to spell it out for you?
What it sounds like you really need is a fuck buddy (or two or three or four....I mean who's counting anyway?) What you don't want (nor need is a boyfriend.) And amen to you for admitting it. Boyfriends and relationships require time and effort, and if you don’t want babies or marriage, then I say why not just stay away from boyfriends. Boyfriends can be a pain in the ass, and a total time and energy suck. They always want more, and need more. They will rarely just want to fuck you and leave; they actually want to spend time with you. Ick. It just doesn't sound like you have the time nor the desire to make the time to have a boyfriend right now. And to that I say more power to you.
Like I said, those days of looking at every sexual encounter as having to happen with someone you are 'in love' with or even dating are over. You are an independent woman and if you want to, and love to have sex with the men you are attracted to, (and if they are willing participants of course) then I say go for it. Sure, you’ll have the judgmental nay-sayers, read: the chastity belt wearing step-ford housewife types who live to please a man and to have babies, who will frown upon it and call it meaningless sex, or promiscuity but trust me they're just envious of your self confidence, independence and freedom. And, then there are the bra-burning hairy-legged women who call it evolved sex. Let's just fucking call it like it is, it's Sex, plain and simple. There’s nothing wrong with just sex either, if that’s what you want. Men have been reaping the benefits of 'just sex' in our society for decades. I’d like to think that as a society that we’ve evolved past the 'whore,' and 'slut,' labels attached to women who enjoy sex with someone who isn't their boyfriend, fiance' or husband. Women enjoy sex. YES. Get used to it.
There’s a distinct difference between fuck buddies and boyfriends. Fuck buddies, are buddies who just fuck. If you don’t want to fertilize your garden or recognize anything other than the physical attraction between you two, and if you don’t want to consummate a relationship then what you really need is to get a fuck buddy, a hot piece of ass to come over and fuck you (frequency is entirely up to you) and then leave. Hot sex is the only thing a fuck buddy can and should be expected to deliver. Anything more is approaching dangerously close to relationship territory, which brings relationship problems. And, if you don’t want the problems of a cumbersome relationship getting in the way of an unbridled sex life, don't be afriad to let out your inner vixen and tell that man (men, women or what have you) straight up, "No Strings Attached."
Now this is not necessarily for the everyone, and definitely not for the faint of heart. For one, we still as a society have ideas about sex and promiscuity. Secondly, for some people sex is an intimate and emotional experience, reserved for a single person with whom they feel very close with and have a connection with. So be honest with yourself about what you desire, and be honest with the person about your desires too. In a perfect world the desires will be reciprecrated.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sex, Relationships in the Internet Age
When the Internet first started gaining momentum, I wanted to be a part of this new media wave and craze, and to this day I see the world wide benefits and uses of the Internet and the Web.
Let's first talk about my favorites, all the social networking sites. These have been a great way for people to keep in touch with high school classmates, family members, reconnect with old friends and to even make and develop new friendships and relationships. Dating sites are big these days and are a popular way to get into the dating scene from the comfort of your own home, assuaging all the anxiety provoking, somewhat monotonous or mundane small talk and other fear inducing aspects of dating, getting to know someone in person to where they can do it online via chat or email. The ability to post pictures and blogs where you can discuss anything from your hobbies to your experiences, makes it easy to have an entire life on the Internet, get to know people, and to build an entire social network. Not to mention marketing products and product development. You can run your entire business from the Internet, be it a retail business or an entertainment business. You can market your music, you can market your videos, you can market your writing. The uses and benefits of the Internet are endless. I'm a big proponent for internet marketing, social networking, blogging, etc.. and in general utilizing the multifaceted and multimedia web wisely, effectively, and productively.
Relationships can also develop, grow and flourish on the Internet. Shyness, rejection, and low self esteem can all be combated via the plethora of dating sites, friend sites and networking sites.
Introverted people who have a hard time being heard in a crowded venue can develop intimate and meaningful relationships in intimate settings. Chat rooms give everyone an equal opportunity with it's inability to judge someone physically thereby making it a safe place to meet new people.
With the advent of the Internet, pornography also has a new found home where it can breed, thrive and flourish. Pornography of all types can be found on the Internet. Whatever your flavor it can be found. If not, it can be created, uploaded and distributed. Widespread. Dispersed. World Wide. No restrictions, no censorship, no judgment, and completely anonymous. People are getting exposed to elements of sexuality that may have never even crossed their minds, which is opening minds and creating exposure. This is, for the most part, a good thing. Our society could use a little more exposure to (read:) healthy forms of sexuality and little reminders that sexuality is a human component, and should not be compartmentalized. In developed countries like the United States where each household has a computer, and even more so often individuals have personal computers with personal access to pornography, social sites, individual sexuality also has the opportunity can also flourish.
I believe that masturbation can be a healthy form of self sexual exploration. Masturbation can help one develop an understanding of his/her likes, dislikes in terms of sexuality, what one finds arousing, what specific spots on the body are more exciting or excitable than others. Masturbation can provide elements of sexual discernment, growth and self awareness. Giving oneself the time and space to explore personal sexual enjoyment in the form of masturbation can be a liberating experience and a life long journey, with the self.
With the influx of Internet which provides an element of interaction, as well as anonymity and as I mentioned earlier, a safe space to develop, and maintain relationships the effect of pornography coupled with masturbation can bring about a feeling of having a very personal yet shared experience with something very private and sexual. This can bring about feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, joy and intimacy, but because of our societies views about masturbation and sex, and the anonymous aspect this can also bring about feelings of guilt, shame, and unfortunately can perpetuate unhealthy ideas about sex, sexuality, masturbation and the like.
I have to point out that the risks are huge. Unfortunately not all porn is healthy for one, and too much of anyone thing can turn even the smallest ounce of health thing unhealthy and into an addiction. For people who tend to be more introverted, who have found a safe meeting zone online this can even be an outright social death, and can actually perpetuate social fears. People can hide behind their computer screen for years, content with the interaction they have online and never having to leave their living room or bedroom to have a real relationship. This is virtual reality at it's finest, and as a mental health specialist in the area of sex and relationships I have to say that this is one of the Internet's biggest flaws. I am a liberal, a believer of freedom in sexual expression, honesty and openness when it comes to sex, masturbation, porn and the like. I also have to give props to the Internet for providing said introverts with the outlet to overcome their introversion, via baby steps which can start in your living room. But when it comes to real time socializing, relationships, and true extroversion, we cannot possibly develop these when we are sitting alone in our living room. We cannot grow if we isolate ourselves behind closed doors. It's like trying to exercise in a cage. It cannot be done.
The individual who fears actual face-to-face interaction with the public can hide for years behind the facade of the internet, and in turn never change and never get the quality out of the relationships that they want and desire. The Internet can hold you hostage.
I believe that extroversion is a muscle that you have, that the more you use the stronger it becomes. When I talk about introversion, I am talking about people want and wish to have fulfilling personal relationships, but for various reasons are afraid. I am not referring to workaholics, or those who may also be spending excessive hours online making business connections. Many a workaholics prefer the satisfaction of work and accomplishment to the satisfaction of personal relationships. These people do not spend a lot of time making friends on the Internet. They may spend a lot of time marketing to millions of people and networking with entire groups on the Net, but don't wholly consider this "socializing." They consider this networking, and are likely trying to promote or market something, some product, or some idea.
I am referring to the people who get online to make a connection, whether it personal or sexual, that has little to do with business and more to do with pleasure. These people are willing to spend money on this personal connection. The net on the one hand gives us easy access to a social outlet, and when used properly can instigate change, make you feel emotionally stronger, heed support and communities of support so that you can get out there and socialize, but for too many people Internet provides social-relational crutches, allowing one to avoid real time relationships in the long term, for the faux Internet ones.
The key here is to find balance and to know that you CAN find balance. Too much of a good thing, still, can be addictive, and the Internet is no exception. If you desire significant long lasting friendships and relationships that are healthy, and/or you desire the sexual and personal understanding of a close friend and confidante in real life, the key is knowing that this lies within your reach. Your belief in yourself, your own self confidence, self esteem and actions all can help you to achieve these satisfying real time relationships. Let the Internet be your guide, but don't let it take over your life.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Copyright 2010
Let's first talk about my favorites, all the social networking sites. These have been a great way for people to keep in touch with high school classmates, family members, reconnect with old friends and to even make and develop new friendships and relationships. Dating sites are big these days and are a popular way to get into the dating scene from the comfort of your own home, assuaging all the anxiety provoking, somewhat monotonous or mundane small talk and other fear inducing aspects of dating, getting to know someone in person to where they can do it online via chat or email. The ability to post pictures and blogs where you can discuss anything from your hobbies to your experiences, makes it easy to have an entire life on the Internet, get to know people, and to build an entire social network. Not to mention marketing products and product development. You can run your entire business from the Internet, be it a retail business or an entertainment business. You can market your music, you can market your videos, you can market your writing. The uses and benefits of the Internet are endless. I'm a big proponent for internet marketing, social networking, blogging, etc.. and in general utilizing the multifaceted and multimedia web wisely, effectively, and productively.
Relationships can also develop, grow and flourish on the Internet. Shyness, rejection, and low self esteem can all be combated via the plethora of dating sites, friend sites and networking sites.
Introverted people who have a hard time being heard in a crowded venue can develop intimate and meaningful relationships in intimate settings. Chat rooms give everyone an equal opportunity with it's inability to judge someone physically thereby making it a safe place to meet new people.
With the advent of the Internet, pornography also has a new found home where it can breed, thrive and flourish. Pornography of all types can be found on the Internet. Whatever your flavor it can be found. If not, it can be created, uploaded and distributed. Widespread. Dispersed. World Wide. No restrictions, no censorship, no judgment, and completely anonymous. People are getting exposed to elements of sexuality that may have never even crossed their minds, which is opening minds and creating exposure. This is, for the most part, a good thing. Our society could use a little more exposure to (read:) healthy forms of sexuality and little reminders that sexuality is a human component, and should not be compartmentalized. In developed countries like the United States where each household has a computer, and even more so often individuals have personal computers with personal access to pornography, social sites, individual sexuality also has the opportunity can also flourish.
I believe that masturbation can be a healthy form of self sexual exploration. Masturbation can help one develop an understanding of his/her likes, dislikes in terms of sexuality, what one finds arousing, what specific spots on the body are more exciting or excitable than others. Masturbation can provide elements of sexual discernment, growth and self awareness. Giving oneself the time and space to explore personal sexual enjoyment in the form of masturbation can be a liberating experience and a life long journey, with the self.
With the influx of Internet which provides an element of interaction, as well as anonymity and as I mentioned earlier, a safe space to develop, and maintain relationships the effect of pornography coupled with masturbation can bring about a feeling of having a very personal yet shared experience with something very private and sexual. This can bring about feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, joy and intimacy, but because of our societies views about masturbation and sex, and the anonymous aspect this can also bring about feelings of guilt, shame, and unfortunately can perpetuate unhealthy ideas about sex, sexuality, masturbation and the like.
I have to point out that the risks are huge. Unfortunately not all porn is healthy for one, and too much of anyone thing can turn even the smallest ounce of health thing unhealthy and into an addiction. For people who tend to be more introverted, who have found a safe meeting zone online this can even be an outright social death, and can actually perpetuate social fears. People can hide behind their computer screen for years, content with the interaction they have online and never having to leave their living room or bedroom to have a real relationship. This is virtual reality at it's finest, and as a mental health specialist in the area of sex and relationships I have to say that this is one of the Internet's biggest flaws. I am a liberal, a believer of freedom in sexual expression, honesty and openness when it comes to sex, masturbation, porn and the like. I also have to give props to the Internet for providing said introverts with the outlet to overcome their introversion, via baby steps which can start in your living room. But when it comes to real time socializing, relationships, and true extroversion, we cannot possibly develop these when we are sitting alone in our living room. We cannot grow if we isolate ourselves behind closed doors. It's like trying to exercise in a cage. It cannot be done.
The individual who fears actual face-to-face interaction with the public can hide for years behind the facade of the internet, and in turn never change and never get the quality out of the relationships that they want and desire. The Internet can hold you hostage.
I believe that extroversion is a muscle that you have, that the more you use the stronger it becomes. When I talk about introversion, I am talking about people want and wish to have fulfilling personal relationships, but for various reasons are afraid. I am not referring to workaholics, or those who may also be spending excessive hours online making business connections. Many a workaholics prefer the satisfaction of work and accomplishment to the satisfaction of personal relationships. These people do not spend a lot of time making friends on the Internet. They may spend a lot of time marketing to millions of people and networking with entire groups on the Net, but don't wholly consider this "socializing." They consider this networking, and are likely trying to promote or market something, some product, or some idea.
I am referring to the people who get online to make a connection, whether it personal or sexual, that has little to do with business and more to do with pleasure. These people are willing to spend money on this personal connection. The net on the one hand gives us easy access to a social outlet, and when used properly can instigate change, make you feel emotionally stronger, heed support and communities of support so that you can get out there and socialize, but for too many people Internet provides social-relational crutches, allowing one to avoid real time relationships in the long term, for the faux Internet ones.
The key here is to find balance and to know that you CAN find balance. Too much of a good thing, still, can be addictive, and the Internet is no exception. If you desire significant long lasting friendships and relationships that are healthy, and/or you desire the sexual and personal understanding of a close friend and confidante in real life, the key is knowing that this lies within your reach. Your belief in yourself, your own self confidence, self esteem and actions all can help you to achieve these satisfying real time relationships. Let the Internet be your guide, but don't let it take over your life.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
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