Studies suggest that only few mammals are truly monogamous, that is they stay with the same mate throughout their entire life. Nature also suggests that the majority of mammals, although monogamous, actually have several mates in a lifetime, staying with one mate for a short period of time, mostly for mating purposes and then move on to other mates. This is also known as serial monogamy.
I know is that in our society, marriage happens a lot but so does divorce and infidelity.
There is a lot of pressure in our society to get married. There is a lot of pressure to believe that there is 'The One' person for you that will be 'The One and Only' person for you forever. A lot of people believe and cling to the idea of 'soul-mates.' Our society has entire industries based on couple-hood, from Hallmark greeting cards, to the wedding industry, to the idea of a nuclear family and on and on. We are a society built on the marriage of two people, who first of all get married, then co-habitate, procreate and stay together "till death do us part." Is this very realistic? Is this very natural? To be totally honest, I tend to question the whole idea.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in love. I believe in true love. I believe in falling in love. I love all of that romantic, sexy, passionate, adorable, crushes, sweet love stuff. I also love and believe in couples and partnerships and loyalty and devotion. Yes, you could say I believe in Monogamy. But I also believe that the institution of Marriage in and of itself breeds Infidelity.
I spend a lot of time in my practice working with couples. I help a lot of couples overcome sexual incompatibilities, and to recognize that relationships take work. I truly believe in Couplehood. We meet, we fall in love, we build a life together, and sometimes we need a little help to stay together, because we really want to stay together. We really do want to stay together. But sometimes I wonder why? Are we afraid to let go? Are we so concerned about the time, money and effort we have invested into the relationship, we don't want to see it all crumble? Are we afraid to start over? Are we afraid to be alone? Are we afraid of others judging us negatively because we are alone?
I like to encourage people to think about their true honest happiness. If they come to me talking about an affair, or the desire to cheat I feel concern about the honesty and integrity in their life. People get attached to people, and when they feel that things cannot change they will often go outside the marriage. Some people live many years doing just this thing: http://ashleymadman.tumblr.com/ and there are websites even, devoted to this kind of thing, IE having affairs with other married people
www.ashleymadison.com.
No doubt it's easier to stay where you are in life, with the person you are with, with the kids, the in-laws, the house, the mortgage and the marriage you are already in and it's just easier to cheat or have an illicit affair, unbeknown to anyone else, than it is to just throw all of it away for some quick and fleeting, 15 minute prelude, rendezvous or dalliance. I totally understand and I get it. It's not worth it, and your sexual desires and needs are secondary to all of the other life and worldly needs you have built. And at the end of the day I don't blame anyone, per Se, I blame our society. I blame organized religion. I blame the right wing for their overly conservative views which don't acknowledge our innate sexual appetites as part of our holistic health, which force many who feel they don't have a choice, into an unhealthy life of marriage where people feel forced to lie, cheat and be deceitful.
I know divorce rates are up, and people follow their hearts and minds and split up. Divorce is often costly but still they'll get married for a short time, then they'll divorce, remarry, etc. Yes, I know and understand that is more common these days, but the view that the person we marry is the one we are meant to be with forever still causes a lot of heartache, insecurity and jealousy. People kill because they believe the one they are with is someone they can and should own. People kill entire countries over it. We call it Love, and yes, I don't deny that Love can make us feel passionate, jealousy and envy for sure, because we are after all human. But what if we as a society recognized that we will have several partners in a lifetime, and sometimes even in a short period of time, and that each person brings something, some gift into our life for the time that they are with us, whether it be short or long, and then it may just time to move on, would we cling so tightly to the ones we love (which not only hurts us but pushes the ones we love away, and is unhealthy anyway)? Would we feel the freedom to love more freely? What if we recognized that we as humans, and as mammals with the propensity to evolve over centuries, have also the ability to evolve during our lifetime? We age from birth until we die of old age, and during that time we grow and change immensely, we mature and age, we have the ability to learn and experience so much. People don't always grow and change with us. Is it right to be forced to hang onto to someone who no longer helps us grow? Why are we so afraid to acknowledge that different people come into our lives for certain periods of time and then it might be time for them to go? Why must we claim ownership by signing the marriage paper? And, once married why must we expect our partner to love and be intimate with only us? Is that realistic and fair thing to do to one another? According to many organized religions, yes. It is the noble and expected way. One must marry, be faithful and monogamous to one person their entire life. The view of sex is often dirty and only expected as a part of procreation. I think this is unfortunate. I think sex is part of the natural flow of life. An ebbing and flowing of energy, and in much the same way I think people fall out of love. I think that sometimes a little variety can foster growth, and change and learning. I think that the very rigid forms of monogamy and marriage are often stifling and don't allow for growth whether mentally, spiritually or however.
Many people see marriage as a choice, and once they make it they stick to it, through hell and high water, and that's great, truly awesome, and amazing. I know many couples like that, including my parents, and many of our older generation, and even some hopefuls from my generation and younger generations who made the marital commitment with the notion they will stay with that person until they die. How realistic though are these traditions? Do they not breed all sorts of unhealthy emotions and behaviors, such as jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, lying, and cheating to name a few?
Some couples know that it is not realistic for them and they come to a conclusion together to live and lead an "alternative" lifestyle, whatever that may mean for them. I've seen nudists, swingers, threesomes and more. And I've seen these both successful as well as troublesome versions of these. Anything that is not the norm can sometimes be extremely difficult to swallow for either members of the couple, so even alternative lifestyles come with their issues and idiosyncrasies. The alternative lifestyle path is not the answer for everyone, does not always work and may cause other problems. I'm not sure if that is because innately we want to be with one person and one person only, or because as a society we were taught that our partner should love and be with only us, but marriage and monogamy is still the norm, and anything that strays from this norm is just that considered "alternative."
So, I don't have the answer for you. I do help a lot of couples who are interested in staying together work out their problems whether it means re-committing themselves or becoming more open minded about leading an "alternative" lifestyle to accommodate their change and growth. I always support the couple and/or the individual in whatever path they choose. I believe that you are the expert on your life. I just ask you to consider these things before diving in. Consider whether or not you believe in marriage, monogamy and if you're willing to make that life-long commitment. Consider what marriage, love, sex and relationships all mean to you. Consider how much you need to be accepted by society versus how honestly you want to live your life, because sometimes the two paths (honesty and acceptance by society) don't always cross. Get to know your beliefs on sexuality and religion. Get to know yourself. All of these things will help you to ultimately lead a truer, happier life.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Sex, Love and Rock n Roll Radio
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Lesbians...
Remember these two? What happened to the two young sexy little Rockers from Russia, T.A.T.U?
What Women Say....To Their Girlfriends..An Interview I did for American Curves magazine.
How explicit do women get?
When a woman is talking to her best friend about her sexual experiences she is not very likely to go into detail about the actual technique of a man, the size of his penis, or anything that has to do with the visual. Unless of course, he was exceptional, IE. He had a washboard stomach, or his penis was especially large. Women are more likely to talk about how she felt and how he treated her. Did he say nice things to her? Did he talk dirty or sexy? She is more likely to report the smaller things than the details of the sex act itself.
Are they likely to talk about a man's size?
Yes and no. If the guy has an exceptionally large penis she may refer to him as "well endowed" or brag about how big he was but if he was smaller, or on the small side, she is more likely to focus on how well he did the other things. She will talk about his other techniques, for example "He really likes to use his hand, or his tongue."
Will they go into detail about his sexual technique and if they do to what
extent?
Girls, and women in our society are not taught to be graphic when it comes to talking about sex. This carries over to the bedroom, obviously and women, more than men seem to have a harder time telling their guy what to do, and how to do it. Similarly, when talking to their friends, they are more likely to speak ambiguously, and say things like, "He was well endowed." "He wasn't very big, but he really liked to use his hands/mouth," and just leave it at that.
Should a guy worry about his reputation as a lover?
Guys should worry, yes, but mainly if they have done something to hurt the woman (not in the bedroom) in the relationship. There is the old saying, "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned" well, it's true. If the woman is hurt (he never returned her calls, he dumped her, he cheated on her, etc..) then she is more likely to trash his reputation baring the details of his small penis, his inability to please her, his lack of technique in the bedroom, his lack of physique, etc..
In a situation where she has been hurt, every negative aspect in the bedroom has the risk of being aired to her friends.
Do they share complaints?
Single girls who are dating and not very serious with their guys are more likely to verbalize complaints they have about the guy in the bedroom. The more intimate the relationship, READ: and the more caring, loving and giving the guy is all around, the less likely are the women to spread disease about the style, technique, skill, size of their lover. Women in long term relationships are highly unlikely to openly discuss the details of their sex life. And married women of all women are the least likely to discuss anything having to do with their sex life. When women do complain about the sex, the size, the technique of a man, she is really complaining about the lack of connection she has with the guy overall, and their inability to please each other first on a mental/emotional and second on a physical level.
What are their most common complaints?
Women's most common complaints have to do with the fact that she feels the man is not trying hard enough. When there is an emotional imbalance she is likely to complain about it. She may complain about his inabilities, but If he is small, she will probably talk about that first. Women know that the size of a man's penis is a bone of contention with men, especially if it is small, therefor when she is upset, angry or hurt this is one of the easiest things to grab hold and attack, metaphorically speaking of course, "His penis was tiny anyway." Then if there were other issues like premature ejaculation or loss of erection, she will definitely throw those in there. "He couldn't even keep it up for longer than a minute." etc...These complaints are unlikely to be addressed outwardly with the world if the guy is a loving, caring, and giving guy.
What are they likely to share and what are they likely to hold back?
In the event that they want to air the dirty laundry of some poor chap, she will focus on the things that embarrass men the most, the size (if small), the inability to keep an erection and premature ejaculation, and may go into further details. Even if the two minutes is a normal ejaculation period for a man, this might be something she openly talks about "He couldn't even last for more than a minute." "He was the size of my pinky." Again, these thoughts are more likely to be shared if the encounter was casual, or if the couple is now broken up due to what she feels was some sort of injustice done to her. In a scenario where the woman is praising the man, she is likely to share things about technique, size, physique, but she will likely keep it vague. She may say things like "He is well endowed or big" but leave it at that. She may say that "He sure knows how to use it," but will leave it at that. "He really knows how to use his hands." "He loves to use his tongue." She will praise his physique if he has a good one and is more likely to speak in depth about that.
Should men worry about what they tell their friends?
A man should worry, yes, if he has done something wrong. If a woman feels she was wronged in anyway or taken advantage of she is more likely to speak negatively on the things that she knows are most important to a man's manhood. This usually indicates that she was hurt and is trying to protect her feelings by bad mouthing his manhood, thereby hurting him in return.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
When a woman is talking to her best friend about her sexual experiences she is not very likely to go into detail about the actual technique of a man, the size of his penis, or anything that has to do with the visual. Unless of course, he was exceptional, IE. He had a washboard stomach, or his penis was especially large. Women are more likely to talk about how she felt and how he treated her. Did he say nice things to her? Did he talk dirty or sexy? She is more likely to report the smaller things than the details of the sex act itself.
Are they likely to talk about a man's size?
Yes and no. If the guy has an exceptionally large penis she may refer to him as "well endowed" or brag about how big he was but if he was smaller, or on the small side, she is more likely to focus on how well he did the other things. She will talk about his other techniques, for example "He really likes to use his hand, or his tongue."
Will they go into detail about his sexual technique and if they do to what
extent?
Girls, and women in our society are not taught to be graphic when it comes to talking about sex. This carries over to the bedroom, obviously and women, more than men seem to have a harder time telling their guy what to do, and how to do it. Similarly, when talking to their friends, they are more likely to speak ambiguously, and say things like, "He was well endowed." "He wasn't very big, but he really liked to use his hands/mouth," and just leave it at that.
Should a guy worry about his reputation as a lover?
Guys should worry, yes, but mainly if they have done something to hurt the woman (not in the bedroom) in the relationship. There is the old saying, "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned" well, it's true. If the woman is hurt (he never returned her calls, he dumped her, he cheated on her, etc..) then she is more likely to trash his reputation baring the details of his small penis, his inability to please her, his lack of technique in the bedroom, his lack of physique, etc..
In a situation where she has been hurt, every negative aspect in the bedroom has the risk of being aired to her friends.
Do they share complaints?
Single girls who are dating and not very serious with their guys are more likely to verbalize complaints they have about the guy in the bedroom. The more intimate the relationship, READ: and the more caring, loving and giving the guy is all around, the less likely are the women to spread disease about the style, technique, skill, size of their lover. Women in long term relationships are highly unlikely to openly discuss the details of their sex life. And married women of all women are the least likely to discuss anything having to do with their sex life. When women do complain about the sex, the size, the technique of a man, she is really complaining about the lack of connection she has with the guy overall, and their inability to please each other first on a mental/emotional and second on a physical level.
What are their most common complaints?
Women's most common complaints have to do with the fact that she feels the man is not trying hard enough. When there is an emotional imbalance she is likely to complain about it. She may complain about his inabilities, but If he is small, she will probably talk about that first. Women know that the size of a man's penis is a bone of contention with men, especially if it is small, therefor when she is upset, angry or hurt this is one of the easiest things to grab hold and attack, metaphorically speaking of course, "His penis was tiny anyway." Then if there were other issues like premature ejaculation or loss of erection, she will definitely throw those in there. "He couldn't even keep it up for longer than a minute." etc...These complaints are unlikely to be addressed outwardly with the world if the guy is a loving, caring, and giving guy.
What are they likely to share and what are they likely to hold back?
In the event that they want to air the dirty laundry of some poor chap, she will focus on the things that embarrass men the most, the size (if small), the inability to keep an erection and premature ejaculation, and may go into further details. Even if the two minutes is a normal ejaculation period for a man, this might be something she openly talks about "He couldn't even last for more than a minute." "He was the size of my pinky." Again, these thoughts are more likely to be shared if the encounter was casual, or if the couple is now broken up due to what she feels was some sort of injustice done to her. In a scenario where the woman is praising the man, she is likely to share things about technique, size, physique, but she will likely keep it vague. She may say things like "He is well endowed or big" but leave it at that. She may say that "He sure knows how to use it," but will leave it at that. "He really knows how to use his hands." "He loves to use his tongue." She will praise his physique if he has a good one and is more likely to speak in depth about that.
Should men worry about what they tell their friends?
A man should worry, yes, if he has done something wrong. If a woman feels she was wronged in anyway or taken advantage of she is more likely to speak negatively on the things that she knows are most important to a man's manhood. This usually indicates that she was hurt and is trying to protect her feelings by bad mouthing his manhood, thereby hurting him in return.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Monday, December 28, 2009
Foreplay Isn't Just For Sex Anymore
What is Foreplay? Traditionally we have come to think of foreplay as an act or series of acts, generally of the intimate kind, both psychological and physical between two or more people, having to do with sex and more specifically meant to increase sexual arousal at the moments in time when sex is about to occur and then to lead us into the sex act itself and ultimately leading to climax. "In human sexual behavior, foreplay is meant to create and increase sexual arousal, in anticipation of sexual intercourse," From Wikipedia...
However, I would like to suggest another idea that foreplay starts from the minute you wake up and continues on throughout the day, week, month etc.. culminating sometimes in sex and continuing to build and grow even after the sex act is over, or even if sex does not happen.
Wikipedia continues to say that foreplay is..."Any act that creates and enhances sexual stimulation between the sex partners may constitute foreplay, including kissing, touching, embracing, talking, and teasing (teasing, in this case, may include methods of satisfaction, such as erotic sexual denial). The manual or oral stimulation of erogenous zones may be considered foreplay, as well as being part of the sex act itself. Sexual role playing, fetish activities, and BDSM can also be considered foreplay, though they may also accompany intercourse and not just precede it." Generally speaking Wikipedia and most people think of and describe foreplay as the specific acts which precede sex to which I would like to add that the aforementioned gestures they mention such as touching, embracing, talking teasing, kissing, plus the gestures I'd like to add flirting, talking dirty, talking sexy should be used not only during traditional foreplay but continuously throughout the day and weaved into not just the sexual side of your relationship but into the life of your relationship as a whole, to create an ongoing atmosphere of passion and romance. In other words incorporating all those sexy things that you do right before sex into your daily world and relationship with your partner if you want to see your relationship blossom into the virginal flower of beauty and bliss it could and should be.
Those warm words spoken to each other as he is getting ready to go to work, is what the two of you will remember all day. Just because you have to rush off, feed the kids and take them to school and he is late for his board meeting and because there is absolutely no time for sex until date night on Saturday night does not mean your day today and every day cannot be lightly and gently infused with tiny visions of feathers and lingerie, honey and kisses floating in the air, every so often.
Small communications that let each other know how much you care, and also how much you desire them can do wonders, not to mention bring a smile to their face, a tingle to the spine and yes, maybe even butterflies to the stomach. Leaving little post it notes that he/she can read when you are not around, voice mails, emails, text messages with sexy, romantic, loving, appreciative words can let a warm glow into someone's stressful or even humdrum day and leave them eager to arrive home to see you. No, it might not lead to sex tonight, nor tomorrow night, and maybe not even this weekend, but that is not the point. It will lead you home.
Body language is important in foreplay too. A smile, a wink, a gentle touch on the arm even when you are in a hurry to get to your meeting shows you care and leaves an imprint, a fond imprint that can not only lead to increased desire and arousal, but can also shield you two from the days when the rest of the world may bring you down.
These are all a part of foreplay, and things like kissing and touching which can increase the temperature and speed of your arousal leading to sex can also increase the passion and warmth between you and your mate leading to a more fulling and satisfying relationship all around.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
However, I would like to suggest another idea that foreplay starts from the minute you wake up and continues on throughout the day, week, month etc.. culminating sometimes in sex and continuing to build and grow even after the sex act is over, or even if sex does not happen.
Wikipedia continues to say that foreplay is..."Any act that creates and enhances sexual stimulation between the sex partners may constitute foreplay, including kissing, touching, embracing, talking, and teasing (teasing, in this case, may include methods of satisfaction, such as erotic sexual denial). The manual or oral stimulation of erogenous zones may be considered foreplay, as well as being part of the sex act itself. Sexual role playing, fetish activities, and BDSM can also be considered foreplay, though they may also accompany intercourse and not just precede it." Generally speaking Wikipedia and most people think of and describe foreplay as the specific acts which precede sex to which I would like to add that the aforementioned gestures they mention such as touching, embracing, talking teasing, kissing, plus the gestures I'd like to add flirting, talking dirty, talking sexy should be used not only during traditional foreplay but continuously throughout the day and weaved into not just the sexual side of your relationship but into the life of your relationship as a whole, to create an ongoing atmosphere of passion and romance. In other words incorporating all those sexy things that you do right before sex into your daily world and relationship with your partner if you want to see your relationship blossom into the virginal flower of beauty and bliss it could and should be.
Those warm words spoken to each other as he is getting ready to go to work, is what the two of you will remember all day. Just because you have to rush off, feed the kids and take them to school and he is late for his board meeting and because there is absolutely no time for sex until date night on Saturday night does not mean your day today and every day cannot be lightly and gently infused with tiny visions of feathers and lingerie, honey and kisses floating in the air, every so often.
Small communications that let each other know how much you care, and also how much you desire them can do wonders, not to mention bring a smile to their face, a tingle to the spine and yes, maybe even butterflies to the stomach. Leaving little post it notes that he/she can read when you are not around, voice mails, emails, text messages with sexy, romantic, loving, appreciative words can let a warm glow into someone's stressful or even humdrum day and leave them eager to arrive home to see you. No, it might not lead to sex tonight, nor tomorrow night, and maybe not even this weekend, but that is not the point. It will lead you home.
Body language is important in foreplay too. A smile, a wink, a gentle touch on the arm even when you are in a hurry to get to your meeting shows you care and leaves an imprint, a fond imprint that can not only lead to increased desire and arousal, but can also shield you two from the days when the rest of the world may bring you down.
These are all a part of foreplay, and things like kissing and touching which can increase the temperature and speed of your arousal leading to sex can also increase the passion and warmth between you and your mate leading to a more fulling and satisfying relationship all around.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
The Skinny on Sex Diets...
Sex is the topic on every one's mind all the time. An often left unspoken but subtly implied Sex topic is the Sex we have in relation to our Relationships, particularly long-term relationships and marriage.
When we talk about a successful marriage or long term relationship, we often refer to the marriage in terms of HOW sexual the couple is. How "in love" a couple is, is often measured by how much sex they have. How romantic a couple is, somehow always goes back to how passionate, and yes of course how much sex the couple is having. Not always spoken, but always in the back of people's minds, most people and couples don't usually talk about how much sex they are having. Many people exaggerate to make their relationship look better or worse than it really is. Do we really know when people are telling the truth?
Not likely, until they (you) come to my office. I like to talk freely and openly about sex. It's up to my clients to meet me halfway and bring up the truths, the honesty and of course the questions. When people do break down and get past their usual embarrassment and discomfort about talking about sex, and present their selves in session they are usually ready to be honest. One of the first things people will \ask me are questions like, what is a normal amount of sex for a couple to have? What is too much? Too little? Too often? And not often enough? when it comes to sex. People really want to know if what they are going through is normal.
I open my email box and I receive email blasts from websites like Astrology.com, iVillage, Redbook, WebMD, all having to do with Sex of course and with different advice and tips on resurrecting sexuality, relationships, how to re-ignite the spark, romance, passion and ultimately the Sex. (Don't get me wrong most of these articles are great, and I find myself quoting tidbits from everything I read, both with my clients as well as on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, emails etc..) But, I read things from having sex 365 days a year as a way to revive your sex life to avoiding having any sex at all for 30 days, aka Sex Detox to revive your sex life, and the truth of the matter is that these are all great ways to invite the love, sex, passion and romance into your life, and back into your relationship and many of them do work and have the propensity of working really well. A lot of it truly depends on you. And to me the way these sex plans operate are much like fad diets. The real question at the end of the day should you choose to utilize one of these plans is HOW DO YOU MAKE THESE PLANS STICK?
The tried and true way to maintain passion, keep romance, have the sex life, marriage life and love life you want is to constantly work towards the goals you want.
Complacency won't work. Resting on your laurels won't work. Expecting your partner to do the work, IE. the initiating, the communicating, the gesturing etc, won't work. The truth of the matter is that you have to meet your partner half way, the very same way your partner must meet you half way. Together you both must come to the middle, most of the time in order for a relationship to work.
So, how do you establish this? Well, here is where I first will answer your question: How much sex is normal and good for a couple to have? And the answer to that is there is no answer to this question. Why? Because every individual is different. We all have different sex drives, desires, urges, experiences and minds. (Yes, believe it or not our minds play a huge role in the amount of sex we want, need and have.) So, you and your partner are two different people with different passions, arousal mechanisms, histories, all things which contribute to your sex drives, and then you two came together, and now amongst the two of you, you two must decide together what is the middle ground, what is normal and a good amount of sex for you, the couple. This is no easy task I know, given all the outer voices giving you the gamut in terms of sex advice, from having sex 365 days a year, to having none at all. Can you make a decision without being influenced by Oprah, your Mother and/or your best friend? Here is the deal: You have to. You have to make the decision, and here is why you do: These other people (Oprah, your mother and your best friend) do not have a clue. No one else has a clue about the special chemistry that you and your main squeeze share. Well, except maybe your psychotherapist or marriage counselor, but even he/she cannot tell you what is good/bad/normal and/or abnormal when it comes to your sex life. You have to determine that for yourself, and not the world for you, and even then you need not share it with anyone. I'll leave that up to you. (Sharing your specific sex details with the world is why we have standards in the first place, we're off trying to compare ourselves to the standard of some random individuals or couples who we have nothing in common with.) You have to define what is good and normal for YOU TWO. There is no standard. No couple is identical, so how can you measure your sex life to theirs? You simply cannot.
Let me break this down a little further. Let's say you prefer to have sex 4 times a day but you have found yourself with, and madly in love with I will add, a partner who only likes it let's say once a month. First of all, both of you need to flex. You need to show respect to your partner for their preference. DO NOT belittle them for being too horny, oversexed, DO NOT call them names like prude or any other number of names, not even jokingly. This respect is just one way of "meeting your partner half way." DO try to understand what makes your partner tick. Ideally your partner will also be doing the same. DO take strides to meet the other half way, to take the time to learn what your partner likes and to incorporate it more frequently for them. DO focus on the quality of your sex life and DO NOT focus on the quantity or number of times you have sex. Just like money, focusing on the numbers and the checks and balances of anything is like measuring, which often comes up looking uneven or unbalanced and therefor is not a good idea. Generally numbers and relationships do not mix, because relationships are not a science, and cannot be measured as much as we try to make them so.
And because of the lacking of scientific mathematical reason in relationships, halfway cannot be met over night. Sometimes halfway doesn't happen for years. Sometimes when problems have gotten too big, and you and your partner have strayed from the loving romantic ways from your relationship, or if you and your partner are having a hard time coming to and maintaining this middle ground or halfway point, and deciding what the halfway point even is, then exercises like abstaining from sex for 30 days, or having sex for 365 days straight can work and may help, if you both work together. Working together on something, anything in fact, can most definitely strengthen your bond, bringing you closer together. In fact the reason a lot of these "fad diets for Sex" work is simply because of the teamwork between you and your partner, building camaraderie and restrengthening your bond. The bottom line being that when you make the quality of your relationship a daily goal, taking the time to address your relationship on a regular basis, with meeting your partner halfway the norm for both of you, then the quality of your sex will fall into place.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
When we talk about a successful marriage or long term relationship, we often refer to the marriage in terms of HOW sexual the couple is. How "in love" a couple is, is often measured by how much sex they have. How romantic a couple is, somehow always goes back to how passionate, and yes of course how much sex the couple is having. Not always spoken, but always in the back of people's minds, most people and couples don't usually talk about how much sex they are having. Many people exaggerate to make their relationship look better or worse than it really is. Do we really know when people are telling the truth?
Not likely, until they (you) come to my office. I like to talk freely and openly about sex. It's up to my clients to meet me halfway and bring up the truths, the honesty and of course the questions. When people do break down and get past their usual embarrassment and discomfort about talking about sex, and present their selves in session they are usually ready to be honest. One of the first things people will \ask me are questions like, what is a normal amount of sex for a couple to have? What is too much? Too little? Too often? And not often enough? when it comes to sex. People really want to know if what they are going through is normal.
I open my email box and I receive email blasts from websites like Astrology.com, iVillage, Redbook, WebMD, all having to do with Sex of course and with different advice and tips on resurrecting sexuality, relationships, how to re-ignite the spark, romance, passion and ultimately the Sex. (Don't get me wrong most of these articles are great, and I find myself quoting tidbits from everything I read, both with my clients as well as on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, emails etc..) But, I read things from having sex 365 days a year as a way to revive your sex life to avoiding having any sex at all for 30 days, aka Sex Detox to revive your sex life, and the truth of the matter is that these are all great ways to invite the love, sex, passion and romance into your life, and back into your relationship and many of them do work and have the propensity of working really well. A lot of it truly depends on you. And to me the way these sex plans operate are much like fad diets. The real question at the end of the day should you choose to utilize one of these plans is HOW DO YOU MAKE THESE PLANS STICK?
The tried and true way to maintain passion, keep romance, have the sex life, marriage life and love life you want is to constantly work towards the goals you want.
Complacency won't work. Resting on your laurels won't work. Expecting your partner to do the work, IE. the initiating, the communicating, the gesturing etc, won't work. The truth of the matter is that you have to meet your partner half way, the very same way your partner must meet you half way. Together you both must come to the middle, most of the time in order for a relationship to work.
So, how do you establish this? Well, here is where I first will answer your question: How much sex is normal and good for a couple to have? And the answer to that is there is no answer to this question. Why? Because every individual is different. We all have different sex drives, desires, urges, experiences and minds. (Yes, believe it or not our minds play a huge role in the amount of sex we want, need and have.) So, you and your partner are two different people with different passions, arousal mechanisms, histories, all things which contribute to your sex drives, and then you two came together, and now amongst the two of you, you two must decide together what is the middle ground, what is normal and a good amount of sex for you, the couple. This is no easy task I know, given all the outer voices giving you the gamut in terms of sex advice, from having sex 365 days a year, to having none at all. Can you make a decision without being influenced by Oprah, your Mother and/or your best friend? Here is the deal: You have to. You have to make the decision, and here is why you do: These other people (Oprah, your mother and your best friend) do not have a clue. No one else has a clue about the special chemistry that you and your main squeeze share. Well, except maybe your psychotherapist or marriage counselor, but even he/she cannot tell you what is good/bad/normal and/or abnormal when it comes to your sex life. You have to determine that for yourself, and not the world for you, and even then you need not share it with anyone. I'll leave that up to you. (Sharing your specific sex details with the world is why we have standards in the first place, we're off trying to compare ourselves to the standard of some random individuals or couples who we have nothing in common with.) You have to define what is good and normal for YOU TWO. There is no standard. No couple is identical, so how can you measure your sex life to theirs? You simply cannot.
Let me break this down a little further. Let's say you prefer to have sex 4 times a day but you have found yourself with, and madly in love with I will add, a partner who only likes it let's say once a month. First of all, both of you need to flex. You need to show respect to your partner for their preference. DO NOT belittle them for being too horny, oversexed, DO NOT call them names like prude or any other number of names, not even jokingly. This respect is just one way of "meeting your partner half way." DO try to understand what makes your partner tick. Ideally your partner will also be doing the same. DO take strides to meet the other half way, to take the time to learn what your partner likes and to incorporate it more frequently for them. DO focus on the quality of your sex life and DO NOT focus on the quantity or number of times you have sex. Just like money, focusing on the numbers and the checks and balances of anything is like measuring, which often comes up looking uneven or unbalanced and therefor is not a good idea. Generally numbers and relationships do not mix, because relationships are not a science, and cannot be measured as much as we try to make them so.
And because of the lacking of scientific mathematical reason in relationships, halfway cannot be met over night. Sometimes halfway doesn't happen for years. Sometimes when problems have gotten too big, and you and your partner have strayed from the loving romantic ways from your relationship, or if you and your partner are having a hard time coming to and maintaining this middle ground or halfway point, and deciding what the halfway point even is, then exercises like abstaining from sex for 30 days, or having sex for 365 days straight can work and may help, if you both work together. Working together on something, anything in fact, can most definitely strengthen your bond, bringing you closer together. In fact the reason a lot of these "fad diets for Sex" work is simply because of the teamwork between you and your partner, building camaraderie and restrengthening your bond. The bottom line being that when you make the quality of your relationship a daily goal, taking the time to address your relationship on a regular basis, with meeting your partner halfway the norm for both of you, then the quality of your sex will fall into place.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)