Sex is the topic on every one's mind all the time. An often left unspoken but subtly implied Sex topic is the Sex we have in relation to our Relationships, particularly long-term relationships and marriage.
When we talk about a successful marriage or long term relationship, we often refer to the marriage in terms of HOW sexual the couple is. How "in love" a couple is, is often measured by how much sex they have. How romantic a couple is, somehow always goes back to how passionate, and yes of course how much sex the couple is having. Not always spoken, but always in the back of people's minds, most people and couples don't usually talk about how much sex they are having. Many people exaggerate to make their relationship look better or worse than it really is. Do we really know when people are telling the truth?
Not likely, until they (you) come to my office. I like to talk freely and openly about sex. It's up to my clients to meet me halfway and bring up the truths, the honesty and of course the questions. When people do break down and get past their usual embarrassment and discomfort about talking about sex, and present their selves in session they are usually ready to be honest. One of the first things people will \ask me are questions like, what is a normal amount of sex for a couple to have? What is too much? Too little? Too often? And not often enough? when it comes to sex. People really want to know if what they are going through is normal.
I open my email box and I receive email blasts from websites like Astrology.com, iVillage, Redbook, WebMD, all having to do with Sex of course and with different advice and tips on resurrecting sexuality, relationships, how to re-ignite the spark, romance, passion and ultimately the Sex. (Don't get me wrong most of these articles are great, and I find myself quoting tidbits from everything I read, both with my clients as well as on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, emails etc..) But, I read things from having sex 365 days a year as a way to revive your sex life to avoiding having any sex at all for 30 days, aka Sex Detox to revive your sex life, and the truth of the matter is that these are all great ways to invite the love, sex, passion and romance into your life, and back into your relationship and many of them do work and have the propensity of working really well. A lot of it truly depends on you. And to me the way these sex plans operate are much like fad diets. The real question at the end of the day should you choose to utilize one of these plans is HOW DO YOU MAKE THESE PLANS STICK?
The tried and true way to maintain passion, keep romance, have the sex life, marriage life and love life you want is to constantly work towards the goals you want.
Complacency won't work. Resting on your laurels won't work. Expecting your partner to do the work, IE. the initiating, the communicating, the gesturing etc, won't work. The truth of the matter is that you have to meet your partner half way, the very same way your partner must meet you half way. Together you both must come to the middle, most of the time in order for a relationship to work.
So, how do you establish this? Well, here is where I first will answer your question: How much sex is normal and good for a couple to have? And the answer to that is there is no answer to this question. Why? Because every individual is different. We all have different sex drives, desires, urges, experiences and minds. (Yes, believe it or not our minds play a huge role in the amount of sex we want, need and have.) So, you and your partner are two different people with different passions, arousal mechanisms, histories, all things which contribute to your sex drives, and then you two came together, and now amongst the two of you, you two must decide together what is the middle ground, what is normal and a good amount of sex for you, the couple. This is no easy task I know, given all the outer voices giving you the gamut in terms of sex advice, from having sex 365 days a year, to having none at all. Can you make a decision without being influenced by Oprah, your Mother and/or your best friend? Here is the deal: You have to. You have to make the decision, and here is why you do: These other people (Oprah, your mother and your best friend) do not have a clue. No one else has a clue about the special chemistry that you and your main squeeze share. Well, except maybe your psychotherapist or marriage counselor, but even he/she cannot tell you what is good/bad/normal and/or abnormal when it comes to your sex life. You have to determine that for yourself, and not the world for you, and even then you need not share it with anyone. I'll leave that up to you. (Sharing your specific sex details with the world is why we have standards in the first place, we're off trying to compare ourselves to the standard of some random individuals or couples who we have nothing in common with.) You have to define what is good and normal for YOU TWO. There is no standard. No couple is identical, so how can you measure your sex life to theirs? You simply cannot.
Let me break this down a little further. Let's say you prefer to have sex 4 times a day but you have found yourself with, and madly in love with I will add, a partner who only likes it let's say once a month. First of all, both of you need to flex. You need to show respect to your partner for their preference. DO NOT belittle them for being too horny, oversexed, DO NOT call them names like prude or any other number of names, not even jokingly. This respect is just one way of "meeting your partner half way." DO try to understand what makes your partner tick. Ideally your partner will also be doing the same. DO take strides to meet the other half way, to take the time to learn what your partner likes and to incorporate it more frequently for them. DO focus on the quality of your sex life and DO NOT focus on the quantity or number of times you have sex. Just like money, focusing on the numbers and the checks and balances of anything is like measuring, which often comes up looking uneven or unbalanced and therefor is not a good idea. Generally numbers and relationships do not mix, because relationships are not a science, and cannot be measured as much as we try to make them so.
And because of the lacking of scientific mathematical reason in relationships, halfway cannot be met over night. Sometimes halfway doesn't happen for years. Sometimes when problems have gotten too big, and you and your partner have strayed from the loving romantic ways from your relationship, or if you and your partner are having a hard time coming to and maintaining this middle ground or halfway point, and deciding what the halfway point even is, then exercises like abstaining from sex for 30 days, or having sex for 365 days straight can work and may help, if you both work together. Working together on something, anything in fact, can most definitely strengthen your bond, bringing you closer together. In fact the reason a lot of these "fad diets for Sex" work is simply because of the teamwork between you and your partner, building camaraderie and restrengthening your bond. The bottom line being that when you make the quality of your relationship a daily goal, taking the time to address your relationship on a regular basis, with meeting your partner halfway the norm for both of you, then the quality of your sex will fall into place.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
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