Monogamy and Marriage

Studies suggest that only few mammals are truly monogamous, that is they stay with the same mate throughout their entire life. Nature also suggests that the majority of mammals, although monogamous, actually have several mates in a lifetime, staying with one mate for a short period of time, mostly for mating purposes and then move on to other mates. This is also known as serial monogamy.

I know is that in our society, marriage happens a lot but so does divorce and infidelity.

There is a lot of pressure in our society to get married. There is a lot of pressure to believe that there is 'The One' person for you that will be 'The One and Only' person for you forever. A lot of people believe and cling to the idea of 'soul-mates.' Our society has entire industries based on couple-hood, from Hallmark greeting cards, to the wedding industry, to the idea of a nuclear family and on and on. We are a society built on the marriage of two people, who first of all get married, then co-habitate, procreate and stay together "till death do us part." Is this very realistic? Is this very natural? To be totally honest, I tend to question the whole idea.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in love. I believe in true love. I believe in falling in love. I love all of that romantic, sexy, passionate, adorable, crushes, sweet love stuff. I also love and believe in couples and partnerships and loyalty and devotion. Yes, you could say I believe in Monogamy. But I also believe that the institution of Marriage in and of itself breeds Infidelity.

I spend a lot of time in my practice working with couples. I help a lot of couples overcome sexual incompatibilities, and to recognize that relationships take work. I truly believe in Couplehood. We meet, we fall in love, we build a life together, and sometimes we need a little help to stay together, because we really want to stay together. We really do want to stay together. But sometimes I wonder why? Are we afraid to let go? Are we so concerned about the time, money and effort we have invested into the relationship, we don't want to see it all crumble? Are we afraid to start over? Are we afraid to be alone? Are we afraid of others judging us negatively because we are alone?

I like to encourage people to think about their true honest happiness. If they come to me talking about an affair, or the desire to cheat I feel concern about the honesty and integrity in their life. People get attached to people, and when they feel that things cannot change they will often go outside the marriage. Some people live many years doing just this thing: http://ashleymadman.tumblr.com/ and there are websites even, devoted to this kind of thing, IE having affairs with other married people
www.ashleymadison.com.

No doubt it's easier to stay where you are in life, with the person you are with, with the kids, the in-laws, the house, the mortgage and the marriage you are already in and it's just easier to cheat or have an illicit affair, unbeknown to anyone else, than it is to just throw all of it away for some quick and fleeting, 15 minute prelude, rendezvous or dalliance. I totally understand and I get it. It's not worth it, and your sexual desires and needs are secondary to all of the other life and worldly needs you have built. And at the end of the day I don't blame anyone, per Se, I blame our society. I blame organized religion. I blame the right wing for their overly conservative views which don't acknowledge our innate sexual appetites as part of our holistic health, which force many who feel they don't have a choice, into an unhealthy life of marriage where people feel forced to lie, cheat and be deceitful.

I know divorce rates are up, and people follow their hearts and minds and split up. Divorce is often costly but still they'll get married for a short time, then they'll divorce, remarry, etc. Yes, I know and understand that is more common these days, but the view that the person we marry is the one we are meant to be with forever still causes a lot of heartache, insecurity and jealousy. People kill because they believe the one they are with is someone they can and should own. People kill entire countries over it. We call it Love, and yes, I don't deny that Love can make us feel passionate, jealousy and envy for sure, because we are after all human. But what if we as a society recognized that we will have several partners in a lifetime, and sometimes even in a short period of time, and that each person brings something, some gift into our life for the time that they are with us, whether it be short or long, and then it may just time to move on, would we cling so tightly to the ones we love (which not only hurts us but pushes the ones we love away, and is unhealthy anyway)? Would we feel the freedom to love more freely? What if we recognized that we as humans, and as mammals with the propensity to evolve over centuries, have also the ability to evolve during our lifetime? We age from birth until we die of old age, and during that time we grow and change immensely, we mature and age, we have the ability to learn and experience so much. People don't always grow and change with us. Is it right to be forced to hang onto to someone who no longer helps us grow? Why are we so afraid to acknowledge that different people come into our lives for certain periods of time and then it might be time for them to go? Why must we claim ownership by signing the marriage paper? And, once married why must we expect our partner to love and be intimate with only us? Is that realistic and fair thing to do to one another? According to many organized religions, yes. It is the noble and expected way. One must marry, be faithful and monogamous to one person their entire life. The view of sex is often dirty and only expected as a part of procreation. I think this is unfortunate. I think sex is part of the natural flow of life. An ebbing and flowing of energy, and in much the same way I think people fall out of love. I think that sometimes a little variety can foster growth, and change and learning. I think that the very rigid forms of monogamy and marriage are often stifling and don't allow for growth whether mentally, spiritually or however.

Many people see marriage as a choice, and once they make it they stick to it, through hell and high water, and that's great, truly awesome, and amazing. I know many couples like that, including my parents, and many of our older generation, and even some hopefuls from my generation and younger generations who made the marital commitment with the notion they will stay with that person until they die. How realistic though are these traditions? Do they not breed all sorts of unhealthy emotions and behaviors, such as jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, lying, and cheating to name a few?

Some couples know that it is not realistic for them and they come to a conclusion together to live and lead an "alternative" lifestyle, whatever that may mean for them. I've seen nudists, swingers, threesomes and more. And I've seen these both successful as well as troublesome versions of these. Anything that is not the norm can sometimes be extremely difficult to swallow for either members of the couple, so even alternative lifestyles come with their issues and idiosyncrasies. The alternative lifestyle path is not the answer for everyone, does not always work and may cause other problems. I'm not sure if that is because innately we want to be with one person and one person only, or because as a society we were taught that our partner should love and be with only us, but marriage and monogamy is still the norm, and anything that strays from this norm is just that considered "alternative."

So, I don't have the answer for you. I do help a lot of couples who are interested in staying together work out their problems whether it means re-committing themselves or becoming more open minded about leading an "alternative" lifestyle to accommodate their change and growth. I always support the couple and/or the individual in whatever path they choose. I believe that you are the expert on your life. I just ask you to consider these things before diving in. Consider whether or not you believe in marriage, monogamy and if you're willing to make that life-long commitment. Consider what marriage, love, sex and relationships all mean to you. Consider how much you need to be accepted by society versus how honestly you want to live your life, because sometimes the two paths (honesty and acceptance by society) don't always cross. Get to know your beliefs on sexuality and religion. Get to know yourself. All of these things will help you to ultimately lead a truer, happier life.

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