Remember these two? What happened to the two young sexy little Rockers from Russia, T.A.T.U?
Sex, Love and Rock n Roll Radio
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Lesbians...
Remember these two? What happened to the two young sexy little Rockers from Russia, T.A.T.U?
What Women Say....To Their Girlfriends..An Interview I did for American Curves magazine.
How explicit do women get?
When a woman is talking to her best friend about her sexual experiences she is not very likely to go into detail about the actual technique of a man, the size of his penis, or anything that has to do with the visual. Unless of course, he was exceptional, IE. He had a washboard stomach, or his penis was especially large. Women are more likely to talk about how she felt and how he treated her. Did he say nice things to her? Did he talk dirty or sexy? She is more likely to report the smaller things than the details of the sex act itself.
Are they likely to talk about a man's size?
Yes and no. If the guy has an exceptionally large penis she may refer to him as "well endowed" or brag about how big he was but if he was smaller, or on the small side, she is more likely to focus on how well he did the other things. She will talk about his other techniques, for example "He really likes to use his hand, or his tongue."
Will they go into detail about his sexual technique and if they do to what
extent?
Girls, and women in our society are not taught to be graphic when it comes to talking about sex. This carries over to the bedroom, obviously and women, more than men seem to have a harder time telling their guy what to do, and how to do it. Similarly, when talking to their friends, they are more likely to speak ambiguously, and say things like, "He was well endowed." "He wasn't very big, but he really liked to use his hands/mouth," and just leave it at that.
Should a guy worry about his reputation as a lover?
Guys should worry, yes, but mainly if they have done something to hurt the woman (not in the bedroom) in the relationship. There is the old saying, "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned" well, it's true. If the woman is hurt (he never returned her calls, he dumped her, he cheated on her, etc..) then she is more likely to trash his reputation baring the details of his small penis, his inability to please her, his lack of technique in the bedroom, his lack of physique, etc..
In a situation where she has been hurt, every negative aspect in the bedroom has the risk of being aired to her friends.
Do they share complaints?
Single girls who are dating and not very serious with their guys are more likely to verbalize complaints they have about the guy in the bedroom. The more intimate the relationship, READ: and the more caring, loving and giving the guy is all around, the less likely are the women to spread disease about the style, technique, skill, size of their lover. Women in long term relationships are highly unlikely to openly discuss the details of their sex life. And married women of all women are the least likely to discuss anything having to do with their sex life. When women do complain about the sex, the size, the technique of a man, she is really complaining about the lack of connection she has with the guy overall, and their inability to please each other first on a mental/emotional and second on a physical level.
What are their most common complaints?
Women's most common complaints have to do with the fact that she feels the man is not trying hard enough. When there is an emotional imbalance she is likely to complain about it. She may complain about his inabilities, but If he is small, she will probably talk about that first. Women know that the size of a man's penis is a bone of contention with men, especially if it is small, therefor when she is upset, angry or hurt this is one of the easiest things to grab hold and attack, metaphorically speaking of course, "His penis was tiny anyway." Then if there were other issues like premature ejaculation or loss of erection, she will definitely throw those in there. "He couldn't even keep it up for longer than a minute." etc...These complaints are unlikely to be addressed outwardly with the world if the guy is a loving, caring, and giving guy.
What are they likely to share and what are they likely to hold back?
In the event that they want to air the dirty laundry of some poor chap, she will focus on the things that embarrass men the most, the size (if small), the inability to keep an erection and premature ejaculation, and may go into further details. Even if the two minutes is a normal ejaculation period for a man, this might be something she openly talks about "He couldn't even last for more than a minute." "He was the size of my pinky." Again, these thoughts are more likely to be shared if the encounter was casual, or if the couple is now broken up due to what she feels was some sort of injustice done to her. In a scenario where the woman is praising the man, she is likely to share things about technique, size, physique, but she will likely keep it vague. She may say things like "He is well endowed or big" but leave it at that. She may say that "He sure knows how to use it," but will leave it at that. "He really knows how to use his hands." "He loves to use his tongue." She will praise his physique if he has a good one and is more likely to speak in depth about that.
Should men worry about what they tell their friends?
A man should worry, yes, if he has done something wrong. If a woman feels she was wronged in anyway or taken advantage of she is more likely to speak negatively on the things that she knows are most important to a man's manhood. This usually indicates that she was hurt and is trying to protect her feelings by bad mouthing his manhood, thereby hurting him in return.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
When a woman is talking to her best friend about her sexual experiences she is not very likely to go into detail about the actual technique of a man, the size of his penis, or anything that has to do with the visual. Unless of course, he was exceptional, IE. He had a washboard stomach, or his penis was especially large. Women are more likely to talk about how she felt and how he treated her. Did he say nice things to her? Did he talk dirty or sexy? She is more likely to report the smaller things than the details of the sex act itself.
Are they likely to talk about a man's size?
Yes and no. If the guy has an exceptionally large penis she may refer to him as "well endowed" or brag about how big he was but if he was smaller, or on the small side, she is more likely to focus on how well he did the other things. She will talk about his other techniques, for example "He really likes to use his hand, or his tongue."
Will they go into detail about his sexual technique and if they do to what
extent?
Girls, and women in our society are not taught to be graphic when it comes to talking about sex. This carries over to the bedroom, obviously and women, more than men seem to have a harder time telling their guy what to do, and how to do it. Similarly, when talking to their friends, they are more likely to speak ambiguously, and say things like, "He was well endowed." "He wasn't very big, but he really liked to use his hands/mouth," and just leave it at that.
Should a guy worry about his reputation as a lover?
Guys should worry, yes, but mainly if they have done something to hurt the woman (not in the bedroom) in the relationship. There is the old saying, "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned" well, it's true. If the woman is hurt (he never returned her calls, he dumped her, he cheated on her, etc..) then she is more likely to trash his reputation baring the details of his small penis, his inability to please her, his lack of technique in the bedroom, his lack of physique, etc..
In a situation where she has been hurt, every negative aspect in the bedroom has the risk of being aired to her friends.
Do they share complaints?
Single girls who are dating and not very serious with their guys are more likely to verbalize complaints they have about the guy in the bedroom. The more intimate the relationship, READ: and the more caring, loving and giving the guy is all around, the less likely are the women to spread disease about the style, technique, skill, size of their lover. Women in long term relationships are highly unlikely to openly discuss the details of their sex life. And married women of all women are the least likely to discuss anything having to do with their sex life. When women do complain about the sex, the size, the technique of a man, she is really complaining about the lack of connection she has with the guy overall, and their inability to please each other first on a mental/emotional and second on a physical level.
What are their most common complaints?
Women's most common complaints have to do with the fact that she feels the man is not trying hard enough. When there is an emotional imbalance she is likely to complain about it. She may complain about his inabilities, but If he is small, she will probably talk about that first. Women know that the size of a man's penis is a bone of contention with men, especially if it is small, therefor when she is upset, angry or hurt this is one of the easiest things to grab hold and attack, metaphorically speaking of course, "His penis was tiny anyway." Then if there were other issues like premature ejaculation or loss of erection, she will definitely throw those in there. "He couldn't even keep it up for longer than a minute." etc...These complaints are unlikely to be addressed outwardly with the world if the guy is a loving, caring, and giving guy.
What are they likely to share and what are they likely to hold back?
In the event that they want to air the dirty laundry of some poor chap, she will focus on the things that embarrass men the most, the size (if small), the inability to keep an erection and premature ejaculation, and may go into further details. Even if the two minutes is a normal ejaculation period for a man, this might be something she openly talks about "He couldn't even last for more than a minute." "He was the size of my pinky." Again, these thoughts are more likely to be shared if the encounter was casual, or if the couple is now broken up due to what she feels was some sort of injustice done to her. In a scenario where the woman is praising the man, she is likely to share things about technique, size, physique, but she will likely keep it vague. She may say things like "He is well endowed or big" but leave it at that. She may say that "He sure knows how to use it," but will leave it at that. "He really knows how to use his hands." "He loves to use his tongue." She will praise his physique if he has a good one and is more likely to speak in depth about that.
Should men worry about what they tell their friends?
A man should worry, yes, if he has done something wrong. If a woman feels she was wronged in anyway or taken advantage of she is more likely to speak negatively on the things that she knows are most important to a man's manhood. This usually indicates that she was hurt and is trying to protect her feelings by bad mouthing his manhood, thereby hurting him in return.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Monday, December 28, 2009
Foreplay Isn't Just For Sex Anymore
What is Foreplay? Traditionally we have come to think of foreplay as an act or series of acts, generally of the intimate kind, both psychological and physical between two or more people, having to do with sex and more specifically meant to increase sexual arousal at the moments in time when sex is about to occur and then to lead us into the sex act itself and ultimately leading to climax. "In human sexual behavior, foreplay is meant to create and increase sexual arousal, in anticipation of sexual intercourse," From Wikipedia...
However, I would like to suggest another idea that foreplay starts from the minute you wake up and continues on throughout the day, week, month etc.. culminating sometimes in sex and continuing to build and grow even after the sex act is over, or even if sex does not happen.
Wikipedia continues to say that foreplay is..."Any act that creates and enhances sexual stimulation between the sex partners may constitute foreplay, including kissing, touching, embracing, talking, and teasing (teasing, in this case, may include methods of satisfaction, such as erotic sexual denial). The manual or oral stimulation of erogenous zones may be considered foreplay, as well as being part of the sex act itself. Sexual role playing, fetish activities, and BDSM can also be considered foreplay, though they may also accompany intercourse and not just precede it." Generally speaking Wikipedia and most people think of and describe foreplay as the specific acts which precede sex to which I would like to add that the aforementioned gestures they mention such as touching, embracing, talking teasing, kissing, plus the gestures I'd like to add flirting, talking dirty, talking sexy should be used not only during traditional foreplay but continuously throughout the day and weaved into not just the sexual side of your relationship but into the life of your relationship as a whole, to create an ongoing atmosphere of passion and romance. In other words incorporating all those sexy things that you do right before sex into your daily world and relationship with your partner if you want to see your relationship blossom into the virginal flower of beauty and bliss it could and should be.
Those warm words spoken to each other as he is getting ready to go to work, is what the two of you will remember all day. Just because you have to rush off, feed the kids and take them to school and he is late for his board meeting and because there is absolutely no time for sex until date night on Saturday night does not mean your day today and every day cannot be lightly and gently infused with tiny visions of feathers and lingerie, honey and kisses floating in the air, every so often.
Small communications that let each other know how much you care, and also how much you desire them can do wonders, not to mention bring a smile to their face, a tingle to the spine and yes, maybe even butterflies to the stomach. Leaving little post it notes that he/she can read when you are not around, voice mails, emails, text messages with sexy, romantic, loving, appreciative words can let a warm glow into someone's stressful or even humdrum day and leave them eager to arrive home to see you. No, it might not lead to sex tonight, nor tomorrow night, and maybe not even this weekend, but that is not the point. It will lead you home.
Body language is important in foreplay too. A smile, a wink, a gentle touch on the arm even when you are in a hurry to get to your meeting shows you care and leaves an imprint, a fond imprint that can not only lead to increased desire and arousal, but can also shield you two from the days when the rest of the world may bring you down.
These are all a part of foreplay, and things like kissing and touching which can increase the temperature and speed of your arousal leading to sex can also increase the passion and warmth between you and your mate leading to a more fulling and satisfying relationship all around.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
However, I would like to suggest another idea that foreplay starts from the minute you wake up and continues on throughout the day, week, month etc.. culminating sometimes in sex and continuing to build and grow even after the sex act is over, or even if sex does not happen.
Wikipedia continues to say that foreplay is..."Any act that creates and enhances sexual stimulation between the sex partners may constitute foreplay, including kissing, touching, embracing, talking, and teasing (teasing, in this case, may include methods of satisfaction, such as erotic sexual denial). The manual or oral stimulation of erogenous zones may be considered foreplay, as well as being part of the sex act itself. Sexual role playing, fetish activities, and BDSM can also be considered foreplay, though they may also accompany intercourse and not just precede it." Generally speaking Wikipedia and most people think of and describe foreplay as the specific acts which precede sex to which I would like to add that the aforementioned gestures they mention such as touching, embracing, talking teasing, kissing, plus the gestures I'd like to add flirting, talking dirty, talking sexy should be used not only during traditional foreplay but continuously throughout the day and weaved into not just the sexual side of your relationship but into the life of your relationship as a whole, to create an ongoing atmosphere of passion and romance. In other words incorporating all those sexy things that you do right before sex into your daily world and relationship with your partner if you want to see your relationship blossom into the virginal flower of beauty and bliss it could and should be.
Those warm words spoken to each other as he is getting ready to go to work, is what the two of you will remember all day. Just because you have to rush off, feed the kids and take them to school and he is late for his board meeting and because there is absolutely no time for sex until date night on Saturday night does not mean your day today and every day cannot be lightly and gently infused with tiny visions of feathers and lingerie, honey and kisses floating in the air, every so often.
Small communications that let each other know how much you care, and also how much you desire them can do wonders, not to mention bring a smile to their face, a tingle to the spine and yes, maybe even butterflies to the stomach. Leaving little post it notes that he/she can read when you are not around, voice mails, emails, text messages with sexy, romantic, loving, appreciative words can let a warm glow into someone's stressful or even humdrum day and leave them eager to arrive home to see you. No, it might not lead to sex tonight, nor tomorrow night, and maybe not even this weekend, but that is not the point. It will lead you home.
Body language is important in foreplay too. A smile, a wink, a gentle touch on the arm even when you are in a hurry to get to your meeting shows you care and leaves an imprint, a fond imprint that can not only lead to increased desire and arousal, but can also shield you two from the days when the rest of the world may bring you down.
These are all a part of foreplay, and things like kissing and touching which can increase the temperature and speed of your arousal leading to sex can also increase the passion and warmth between you and your mate leading to a more fulling and satisfying relationship all around.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
The Skinny on Sex Diets...
Sex is the topic on every one's mind all the time. An often left unspoken but subtly implied Sex topic is the Sex we have in relation to our Relationships, particularly long-term relationships and marriage.
When we talk about a successful marriage or long term relationship, we often refer to the marriage in terms of HOW sexual the couple is. How "in love" a couple is, is often measured by how much sex they have. How romantic a couple is, somehow always goes back to how passionate, and yes of course how much sex the couple is having. Not always spoken, but always in the back of people's minds, most people and couples don't usually talk about how much sex they are having. Many people exaggerate to make their relationship look better or worse than it really is. Do we really know when people are telling the truth?
Not likely, until they (you) come to my office. I like to talk freely and openly about sex. It's up to my clients to meet me halfway and bring up the truths, the honesty and of course the questions. When people do break down and get past their usual embarrassment and discomfort about talking about sex, and present their selves in session they are usually ready to be honest. One of the first things people will \ask me are questions like, what is a normal amount of sex for a couple to have? What is too much? Too little? Too often? And not often enough? when it comes to sex. People really want to know if what they are going through is normal.
I open my email box and I receive email blasts from websites like Astrology.com, iVillage, Redbook, WebMD, all having to do with Sex of course and with different advice and tips on resurrecting sexuality, relationships, how to re-ignite the spark, romance, passion and ultimately the Sex. (Don't get me wrong most of these articles are great, and I find myself quoting tidbits from everything I read, both with my clients as well as on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, emails etc..) But, I read things from having sex 365 days a year as a way to revive your sex life to avoiding having any sex at all for 30 days, aka Sex Detox to revive your sex life, and the truth of the matter is that these are all great ways to invite the love, sex, passion and romance into your life, and back into your relationship and many of them do work and have the propensity of working really well. A lot of it truly depends on you. And to me the way these sex plans operate are much like fad diets. The real question at the end of the day should you choose to utilize one of these plans is HOW DO YOU MAKE THESE PLANS STICK?
The tried and true way to maintain passion, keep romance, have the sex life, marriage life and love life you want is to constantly work towards the goals you want.
Complacency won't work. Resting on your laurels won't work. Expecting your partner to do the work, IE. the initiating, the communicating, the gesturing etc, won't work. The truth of the matter is that you have to meet your partner half way, the very same way your partner must meet you half way. Together you both must come to the middle, most of the time in order for a relationship to work.
So, how do you establish this? Well, here is where I first will answer your question: How much sex is normal and good for a couple to have? And the answer to that is there is no answer to this question. Why? Because every individual is different. We all have different sex drives, desires, urges, experiences and minds. (Yes, believe it or not our minds play a huge role in the amount of sex we want, need and have.) So, you and your partner are two different people with different passions, arousal mechanisms, histories, all things which contribute to your sex drives, and then you two came together, and now amongst the two of you, you two must decide together what is the middle ground, what is normal and a good amount of sex for you, the couple. This is no easy task I know, given all the outer voices giving you the gamut in terms of sex advice, from having sex 365 days a year, to having none at all. Can you make a decision without being influenced by Oprah, your Mother and/or your best friend? Here is the deal: You have to. You have to make the decision, and here is why you do: These other people (Oprah, your mother and your best friend) do not have a clue. No one else has a clue about the special chemistry that you and your main squeeze share. Well, except maybe your psychotherapist or marriage counselor, but even he/she cannot tell you what is good/bad/normal and/or abnormal when it comes to your sex life. You have to determine that for yourself, and not the world for you, and even then you need not share it with anyone. I'll leave that up to you. (Sharing your specific sex details with the world is why we have standards in the first place, we're off trying to compare ourselves to the standard of some random individuals or couples who we have nothing in common with.) You have to define what is good and normal for YOU TWO. There is no standard. No couple is identical, so how can you measure your sex life to theirs? You simply cannot.
Let me break this down a little further. Let's say you prefer to have sex 4 times a day but you have found yourself with, and madly in love with I will add, a partner who only likes it let's say once a month. First of all, both of you need to flex. You need to show respect to your partner for their preference. DO NOT belittle them for being too horny, oversexed, DO NOT call them names like prude or any other number of names, not even jokingly. This respect is just one way of "meeting your partner half way." DO try to understand what makes your partner tick. Ideally your partner will also be doing the same. DO take strides to meet the other half way, to take the time to learn what your partner likes and to incorporate it more frequently for them. DO focus on the quality of your sex life and DO NOT focus on the quantity or number of times you have sex. Just like money, focusing on the numbers and the checks and balances of anything is like measuring, which often comes up looking uneven or unbalanced and therefor is not a good idea. Generally numbers and relationships do not mix, because relationships are not a science, and cannot be measured as much as we try to make them so.
And because of the lacking of scientific mathematical reason in relationships, halfway cannot be met over night. Sometimes halfway doesn't happen for years. Sometimes when problems have gotten too big, and you and your partner have strayed from the loving romantic ways from your relationship, or if you and your partner are having a hard time coming to and maintaining this middle ground or halfway point, and deciding what the halfway point even is, then exercises like abstaining from sex for 30 days, or having sex for 365 days straight can work and may help, if you both work together. Working together on something, anything in fact, can most definitely strengthen your bond, bringing you closer together. In fact the reason a lot of these "fad diets for Sex" work is simply because of the teamwork between you and your partner, building camaraderie and restrengthening your bond. The bottom line being that when you make the quality of your relationship a daily goal, taking the time to address your relationship on a regular basis, with meeting your partner halfway the norm for both of you, then the quality of your sex will fall into place.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
When we talk about a successful marriage or long term relationship, we often refer to the marriage in terms of HOW sexual the couple is. How "in love" a couple is, is often measured by how much sex they have. How romantic a couple is, somehow always goes back to how passionate, and yes of course how much sex the couple is having. Not always spoken, but always in the back of people's minds, most people and couples don't usually talk about how much sex they are having. Many people exaggerate to make their relationship look better or worse than it really is. Do we really know when people are telling the truth?
Not likely, until they (you) come to my office. I like to talk freely and openly about sex. It's up to my clients to meet me halfway and bring up the truths, the honesty and of course the questions. When people do break down and get past their usual embarrassment and discomfort about talking about sex, and present their selves in session they are usually ready to be honest. One of the first things people will \ask me are questions like, what is a normal amount of sex for a couple to have? What is too much? Too little? Too often? And not often enough? when it comes to sex. People really want to know if what they are going through is normal.
I open my email box and I receive email blasts from websites like Astrology.com, iVillage, Redbook, WebMD, all having to do with Sex of course and with different advice and tips on resurrecting sexuality, relationships, how to re-ignite the spark, romance, passion and ultimately the Sex. (Don't get me wrong most of these articles are great, and I find myself quoting tidbits from everything I read, both with my clients as well as on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, emails etc..) But, I read things from having sex 365 days a year as a way to revive your sex life to avoiding having any sex at all for 30 days, aka Sex Detox to revive your sex life, and the truth of the matter is that these are all great ways to invite the love, sex, passion and romance into your life, and back into your relationship and many of them do work and have the propensity of working really well. A lot of it truly depends on you. And to me the way these sex plans operate are much like fad diets. The real question at the end of the day should you choose to utilize one of these plans is HOW DO YOU MAKE THESE PLANS STICK?
The tried and true way to maintain passion, keep romance, have the sex life, marriage life and love life you want is to constantly work towards the goals you want.
Complacency won't work. Resting on your laurels won't work. Expecting your partner to do the work, IE. the initiating, the communicating, the gesturing etc, won't work. The truth of the matter is that you have to meet your partner half way, the very same way your partner must meet you half way. Together you both must come to the middle, most of the time in order for a relationship to work.
So, how do you establish this? Well, here is where I first will answer your question: How much sex is normal and good for a couple to have? And the answer to that is there is no answer to this question. Why? Because every individual is different. We all have different sex drives, desires, urges, experiences and minds. (Yes, believe it or not our minds play a huge role in the amount of sex we want, need and have.) So, you and your partner are two different people with different passions, arousal mechanisms, histories, all things which contribute to your sex drives, and then you two came together, and now amongst the two of you, you two must decide together what is the middle ground, what is normal and a good amount of sex for you, the couple. This is no easy task I know, given all the outer voices giving you the gamut in terms of sex advice, from having sex 365 days a year, to having none at all. Can you make a decision without being influenced by Oprah, your Mother and/or your best friend? Here is the deal: You have to. You have to make the decision, and here is why you do: These other people (Oprah, your mother and your best friend) do not have a clue. No one else has a clue about the special chemistry that you and your main squeeze share. Well, except maybe your psychotherapist or marriage counselor, but even he/she cannot tell you what is good/bad/normal and/or abnormal when it comes to your sex life. You have to determine that for yourself, and not the world for you, and even then you need not share it with anyone. I'll leave that up to you. (Sharing your specific sex details with the world is why we have standards in the first place, we're off trying to compare ourselves to the standard of some random individuals or couples who we have nothing in common with.) You have to define what is good and normal for YOU TWO. There is no standard. No couple is identical, so how can you measure your sex life to theirs? You simply cannot.
Let me break this down a little further. Let's say you prefer to have sex 4 times a day but you have found yourself with, and madly in love with I will add, a partner who only likes it let's say once a month. First of all, both of you need to flex. You need to show respect to your partner for their preference. DO NOT belittle them for being too horny, oversexed, DO NOT call them names like prude or any other number of names, not even jokingly. This respect is just one way of "meeting your partner half way." DO try to understand what makes your partner tick. Ideally your partner will also be doing the same. DO take strides to meet the other half way, to take the time to learn what your partner likes and to incorporate it more frequently for them. DO focus on the quality of your sex life and DO NOT focus on the quantity or number of times you have sex. Just like money, focusing on the numbers and the checks and balances of anything is like measuring, which often comes up looking uneven or unbalanced and therefor is not a good idea. Generally numbers and relationships do not mix, because relationships are not a science, and cannot be measured as much as we try to make them so.
And because of the lacking of scientific mathematical reason in relationships, halfway cannot be met over night. Sometimes halfway doesn't happen for years. Sometimes when problems have gotten too big, and you and your partner have strayed from the loving romantic ways from your relationship, or if you and your partner are having a hard time coming to and maintaining this middle ground or halfway point, and deciding what the halfway point even is, then exercises like abstaining from sex for 30 days, or having sex for 365 days straight can work and may help, if you both work together. Working together on something, anything in fact, can most definitely strengthen your bond, bringing you closer together. In fact the reason a lot of these "fad diets for Sex" work is simply because of the teamwork between you and your partner, building camaraderie and restrengthening your bond. The bottom line being that when you make the quality of your relationship a daily goal, taking the time to address your relationship on a regular basis, with meeting your partner halfway the norm for both of you, then the quality of your sex will fall into place.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Saturday, December 19, 2009
To Be Yourself- A Letter From Possum
Hi Ms. Wilson,
I identify as a Transperson. I am 24 years old living in Pakistan. I have been on hormones for a bit more then a year now. I am androgynous by nature I suppose but mostly because I am clueless to stuff like fashion or anything and just go with whatever people would expect of me, which is being a man. Although since I am chronically shy and timid people mostly consider me feminine only because I am not masculine in any way. The term transgendered or gender Identity disorder define nonconformity to gender? But I do not fit into either stereotype. I have come across two controversial terms both of which I marginally identify with, one is Autogynephelia (I am not aroused by the thought of being a woman, but can only think of being a woman when I am aroused) and another is love-shyness (if not that, then social anxiety disorder and/or avoidant personality disorder). I have constantly lived in daydreams and fantasies of being a woman since my teenage years. I am self medicating I know I shouldn't and will be getting an appointment with an endocrinologist soon. Every time I consider maybe stopping hormones and trying to live like a man I get suicidally depressed. I know its not that big a deal, I should be able to live my life as a man. its only a kind of perception thing for me, kind of like a Body Dysmorphic disorder? or whatever. like when some one is terribly self conscious of being fat? (I am fat by the way) when I look at Hugh Jackman I can just swoon, except that I do not fancy ever looking like him in anyway. I desire? To look like a woman. except its tenfold because its about sexuality too. I am extremely attracted to woman (like raw lust, but I am very shy of woman, lose my nerves around em). And, I am always romantically attracted to men and can fantasize for days on end about being with one (as a woman) whether I masturbate or fantasize about being intimate with anyone its always as a woman with a man when I don't even know or am afraid that I may not even like it. I have never had a relationship in my life and am very socially inept.
Thank you,
Possum
Dear Possum
I have read your email and first want to commend you. It is not an easy thing to have the feelings that you have which go against the grain of what society wants you and tells you to be.
First of all I want to let you know that Sexuality is not black and white. There are no absolutes. These gender roles where you must be either man or woman and desire only a man or a woman are limited views and confine and repress us. Yes, sure some people do fall into one of the specific Gender role-defined categories, but there are many who like yourself absolutely do not, and the thought of living by those rules can cause one to get, as you said, "suicidally depressed." Completely unhealthy and in your case unrealistic.
I am not sure how they treat Transgender people in Pakistan, but I can imagine it is not with great acceptance nor understanding. You are probably taking the hormones from someone who sells them to you on the black market.
True, there are many different DSM Diagnoses (defined mental disorders) you can label yourself with, such as Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which grew out of our society's obsession with thinness, but can be generalized over Gender and other body image issues (the extensive need for Plastic Surgery, etc..) or Gender Identity Disorder which like you said basically defines a nonconformity to traditional gender roles. Autogynephelia is a term which suggests you get aroused by thinking of your self as a women which although is partially true, the term fetish-ices a mans sexual arousal to the thought or image of himself as a woman, and does not suggest this to be normal, and does not acknowledge our true natures as sexual human beings who ebb and flow with nature, morphing and evolving on a daily basis. And Love-shyness or Social Anxiety Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder all suggest to me that you lack the comfort, self-confidence and self esteem to talk to women, by virtue of the fact that you already don't fit into societies standards.
My point is that you cannot define yourself by what you read, see or hear in societies today. Their mind set limit human nature and do not allow human beings the space to express themselves as they would naturally and organically. These limited views and mindsets breed depression, suicide, anxiety and many other mental and physical ailments. The diagnoses are all based on a typicality of human nature suggested by society and are only there to serve as a guideline not as a way of defining your life.
It is unfortunate that you have to get your hormones on the Black market, but if this is all that is available to you to make you make more sense out of your life to feel whole, what other options do you have? Is it possible for you to get these hormones from a doctor in Pakistan? Without jeopardizing your life, family, etc?
If living as a man makes you horribly depressed then you should not attempt it.
Have you tried cross dressing? Can you do that on some sort increased gradiation? In my opinion Cross Dressing which allows you to dress up as a woman when you feel the desire and to continue being the biological man you were born as, when you desire, is your best option towards finding yourself and your true identity. To try to fit in and to confine yourself to societies rules and roles will only continue to contribute to your low self esteem and lack of self confidence, as it is does not allow you to be who you are, to be yourself.
Ms. Wilson
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
I identify as a Transperson. I am 24 years old living in Pakistan. I have been on hormones for a bit more then a year now. I am androgynous by nature I suppose but mostly because I am clueless to stuff like fashion or anything and just go with whatever people would expect of me, which is being a man. Although since I am chronically shy and timid people mostly consider me feminine only because I am not masculine in any way. The term transgendered or gender Identity disorder define nonconformity to gender? But I do not fit into either stereotype. I have come across two controversial terms both of which I marginally identify with, one is Autogynephelia (I am not aroused by the thought of being a woman, but can only think of being a woman when I am aroused) and another is love-shyness (if not that, then social anxiety disorder and/or avoidant personality disorder). I have constantly lived in daydreams and fantasies of being a woman since my teenage years. I am self medicating I know I shouldn't and will be getting an appointment with an endocrinologist soon. Every time I consider maybe stopping hormones and trying to live like a man I get suicidally depressed. I know its not that big a deal, I should be able to live my life as a man. its only a kind of perception thing for me, kind of like a Body Dysmorphic disorder? or whatever. like when some one is terribly self conscious of being fat? (I am fat by the way) when I look at Hugh Jackman I can just swoon, except that I do not fancy ever looking like him in anyway. I desire? To look like a woman. except its tenfold because its about sexuality too. I am extremely attracted to woman (like raw lust, but I am very shy of woman, lose my nerves around em). And, I am always romantically attracted to men and can fantasize for days on end about being with one (as a woman) whether I masturbate or fantasize about being intimate with anyone its always as a woman with a man when I don't even know or am afraid that I may not even like it. I have never had a relationship in my life and am very socially inept.
Thank you,
Possum
Dear Possum
I have read your email and first want to commend you. It is not an easy thing to have the feelings that you have which go against the grain of what society wants you and tells you to be.
First of all I want to let you know that Sexuality is not black and white. There are no absolutes. These gender roles where you must be either man or woman and desire only a man or a woman are limited views and confine and repress us. Yes, sure some people do fall into one of the specific Gender role-defined categories, but there are many who like yourself absolutely do not, and the thought of living by those rules can cause one to get, as you said, "suicidally depressed." Completely unhealthy and in your case unrealistic.
I am not sure how they treat Transgender people in Pakistan, but I can imagine it is not with great acceptance nor understanding. You are probably taking the hormones from someone who sells them to you on the black market.
True, there are many different DSM Diagnoses (defined mental disorders) you can label yourself with, such as Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which grew out of our society's obsession with thinness, but can be generalized over Gender and other body image issues (the extensive need for Plastic Surgery, etc..) or Gender Identity Disorder which like you said basically defines a nonconformity to traditional gender roles. Autogynephelia is a term which suggests you get aroused by thinking of your self as a women which although is partially true, the term fetish-ices a mans sexual arousal to the thought or image of himself as a woman, and does not suggest this to be normal, and does not acknowledge our true natures as sexual human beings who ebb and flow with nature, morphing and evolving on a daily basis. And Love-shyness or Social Anxiety Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder all suggest to me that you lack the comfort, self-confidence and self esteem to talk to women, by virtue of the fact that you already don't fit into societies standards.
My point is that you cannot define yourself by what you read, see or hear in societies today. Their mind set limit human nature and do not allow human beings the space to express themselves as they would naturally and organically. These limited views and mindsets breed depression, suicide, anxiety and many other mental and physical ailments. The diagnoses are all based on a typicality of human nature suggested by society and are only there to serve as a guideline not as a way of defining your life.
It is unfortunate that you have to get your hormones on the Black market, but if this is all that is available to you to make you make more sense out of your life to feel whole, what other options do you have? Is it possible for you to get these hormones from a doctor in Pakistan? Without jeopardizing your life, family, etc?
If living as a man makes you horribly depressed then you should not attempt it.
Have you tried cross dressing? Can you do that on some sort increased gradiation? In my opinion Cross Dressing which allows you to dress up as a woman when you feel the desire and to continue being the biological man you were born as, when you desire, is your best option towards finding yourself and your true identity. To try to fit in and to confine yourself to societies rules and roles will only continue to contribute to your low self esteem and lack of self confidence, as it is does not allow you to be who you are, to be yourself.
Ms. Wilson
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Top 6 Mistakes Women Might Be Making in the Bedroom...
Men often get a bad rap for being the reason women's sexual satisfaction wanes.
Classic gender roles and traditions may be cause for women's inability to get what they want in bed.
6) Women often take it personally when your man wants to try something new. Recognize sex and relationships take work. Spice things up together. Recognize that you probably want something new to try too.
5) Women don't give men guidance, and assume great lovers are born. Great lovers are made not born, and men aren't mind readers. If you don't tell him what he needs to do to get you to orgasm, he'll never know. Men very much want to please women. So speak up and tell him. Great lovers weren't built in a day.
4)Don't assume that men are always up for Sex. Teenage boys might be, sure. Women don't take this personally. Men have off times too.
3) This is a big one, and too many women assume this, based on our societal teachings that sex is casual for men. Read: Not always true. For some men sex is a very important act. Don't minimize it. Take heart that men are just as Romantic as Women are Sexual.
2) Worrying about how you look during the sex act. READ: Men don't care if you have belly rolls, if you are energetic, passionate, and enjoying yourself is enough for him.
Men are more concerned about your excitement and interest towards him, your joie de vivre, not the shape of your waist and hips.
1) Not initiating Sex. This view is outdated. Roles have changed. Ladies take heed!
Read: Men love when a woman knows what she wants and knows how to get it. Go on and get it girl!
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Classic gender roles and traditions may be cause for women's inability to get what they want in bed.
6) Women often take it personally when your man wants to try something new. Recognize sex and relationships take work. Spice things up together. Recognize that you probably want something new to try too.
5) Women don't give men guidance, and assume great lovers are born. Great lovers are made not born, and men aren't mind readers. If you don't tell him what he needs to do to get you to orgasm, he'll never know. Men very much want to please women. So speak up and tell him. Great lovers weren't built in a day.
4)Don't assume that men are always up for Sex. Teenage boys might be, sure. Women don't take this personally. Men have off times too.
3) This is a big one, and too many women assume this, based on our societal teachings that sex is casual for men. Read: Not always true. For some men sex is a very important act. Don't minimize it. Take heart that men are just as Romantic as Women are Sexual.
2) Worrying about how you look during the sex act. READ: Men don't care if you have belly rolls, if you are energetic, passionate, and enjoying yourself is enough for him.
Men are more concerned about your excitement and interest towards him, your joie de vivre, not the shape of your waist and hips.
1) Not initiating Sex. This view is outdated. Roles have changed. Ladies take heed!
Read: Men love when a woman knows what she wants and knows how to get it. Go on and get it girl!
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Teens and Sex
Education about Sex should start early so that by the time your child is a teenager they can make educated choices...
We have to acknowledge that despite adulthood starting at 18 by LAW, genitals start maturing much earlier.
What this means is that our teens are not being taught about SEX appropriately, not being educated. Perhaps instead they are being scolded told to abstain.
Increase in STD's for teen girls. 1 out of 4 between the ages of 14 and 19 tested positive for one of five of the most common STI's.
Learn how to talk openly about sex with you children. Their future depends on it.
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
We have to acknowledge that despite adulthood starting at 18 by LAW, genitals start maturing much earlier.
What this means is that our teens are not being taught about SEX appropriately, not being educated. Perhaps instead they are being scolded told to abstain.
Increase in STD's for teen girls. 1 out of 4 between the ages of 14 and 19 tested positive for one of five of the most common STI's.
Learn how to talk openly about sex with you children. Their future depends on it.
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
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