The information I based my ideas on was found in the two great books on non-monogamy and open relationships, "The Ethical Slut, " by Dossie Easton and "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino.
1. First of all --explain the concept of being an ethical slut
The basic premise of an ethical slut is that the individual has multiple sexual partners, or may "sleep around" but does so in an honest, and genuine manner, and does not cheat, lie, or do so dishonestly, ie unethically. Ethical means they do it with good will of heart, they don't purposefully go around hurting people, and they genuinely try to be aware of peoples feelings, using care, diligence and caution as well, when choosing to be intimate with a variety of people.
2. How does a man be a "slut" while still maintaining honor and respect
for women?
Well the honor and respect is the basic premise of being an ethical slut. The key to being a respectable, honorable and ethical slut is not only being open and up front about your goals, dreams, desires and expectations from the relationship or rendezvous but it also involves asking your partner, whether she be a one night stand or friend with benefits what her thoughts are about the scenario, what she wants, and whether or not she is okay with what he is giving, and she is getting. An ethical slut shows a genuine interest in the feelings, mental state of their partner irregardless of long-term, short-term, one night stand, etc..
3. I would guess that ethical slutdom involves multiple partners....does
that mean there's no "one" girlfriend or partner? Can there be?
Ethical slutdom suggests yes, that one has multiple partners, but these relationships can can take on many forms. For example, a man may be married to a woman, or have a girlfriend whom he considers his "primary" partner. The two of them may then choose to bring in a 3rd partner (ie. a threesome or menage a trois), or to go to swinger parties, or to engage in group sex, just for sex only. This would make him merely non-monogamous, and the couple could be said to be in an open relationship. This might be for one night only, ie. only for sex, or this may be for longer term, ie having an emotional/mental component, which is the basis behind Polyamory, which is not just about sex but insinuates there is an emotional intimacy as well. The "primary" couple would decide on the ground rules of what this means in order for it to fall into the category of ethical sluthood.
Another scenario is a single man, who chooses to have mutiple partners but no "primary" partner. We call this Solo Polyamory. There are many other variations as well. Polyfidelity is when the man may have 2 or more partners who are all involved with each other, this looks something like a group relationship. The partners have all agreed to be committed to the members of the group only. Polygyny refers to marriage, ie when a man has several wives. (Polyandry is when a woman has several husbands and these both fall into the category of Polygamy).
4. Can a man sleep around and feel okay about himself--will it hurt his
reputation? A man will feel about himself whatever ideas he has attached to "sleeping around." For many men having several notches on their belt is a sign of masculinity, ie the Lothario syndrome. In many cultures sleeping around ie, "conquering women" is highly approved of. The word "slut" typically, not always, but often refers to women who sleep around, a man who does so is often considered to have a lot of skills. But, Yes, Sleeping around can hurt ones reputation in certain scenarios for sure, ie if he is married or in a political, public position, or if he is being unethical in his dealings, not practicing safe sex, being irresponsible with people's feelings, sleeping with partners of friends, sleeping where he eats, etc. Being responsible and ethical about the partners you choose, and their feelings is always the best rout to practicing ethical sluthood.
5. How does a man find ethically slutty women to play with?
Finding ethically slutty women to play around with can be somewhat tricky but don't fret. Online dating websites specific to the style of non-monogamous dating and/or lifestyles exist to meet women who are into the same lifestyles. There are also local groups which offer playgrounds and parties for certain lifestyles. The internet is a great place to start.Talking to friends, finding out who the open minded girls are in your social circle, she might know and introduce you to more like-minded girls. In terms of just general dating, it is still possible to find women interested in non monogamy and open relationships in the general dating pool as well. Approaching the subject with prospective women gently but honestly and sincerely is always the best bet. You never know when you may find an open minded ethical slut amongst the crowd. They are definitely out there.
6. What is the likelihood of falling in love while slutting around?
Love happens. Romance happens. Fallling in love happens. The likelihood is there. Many people can separate love from sex, but in our society we are often taught that the two should be synonymous. And, in many cases they are. When the spark and compatibility is there, glaring in your face and undeniable then sometimes you need to look the love beast in the eye and call it out for what it is. Open relationships and non monogamy are not easy and are risky for this very reason. People who choose these lifestyle are not seeking it for the security. They are more than likely in it for the variety, excitement and continuous need for spiritual and personal growth that comes with facing demons such as jealousy, possessiveness, envy, and being in Polyamorous relationships means loving and having intimate relationships with more than one person. And often this means falling in love with others and could even mean, falling out of love and having to make a choice at some point. Being an ethical slut means checking in with yourself, and your partner(s) on a regular basis, and requires continual self evaluation.
7. Is the sex better in a monogamous relationship or with multiple people
and why?
It is difficult to say whether the sex is better in a monogamous relationship or with multiple partners. Everyone has different tastes and desires. There is very little evidence to suggest that mammals are monogamous beings, and more to suggest that we are indeed not monogamous. People often go into monogamous relationships, marriage and such blindly because it is what is expected of them in this society. The problem is that we know there are some serious fallacies when it comes to monogamy, proven by our high divorce rates and the rampant infidelity and cheating. The myths which include that there is a soulmate for everyone, or a Mr. Right. The key is to know that monogamy is a conscious choice we make to stay faithful to one person despite our desires. It's normal to be attracted to other people, to fantasize about other people while still staying committed to one person. The suppressing of these feelings could be dangerous. Ideally you could share these feelings with your partner. But in our society the ideal of our spouse being the only person we fantasize about, the only person we are ever attracted to is shoved down our throats that people are made to feel guilty about their natural desires. Suppressing the desires can lead to anger and resentment. Acting on our desires can lead to infidelity, cheating and/or serial monogamy (jumping from relationship to relationship) and unfortunately serial monogamy too is supported by our society which perpetuates the inability to communicate openly with our partners about our true desires leading to supressing, cheating and serial monogamy. The key is to be honest with yourself and your desires. The bottom line is that non monogamous lifestyles are not supported thoroughly in our society making it more difficult lifestyle to live, but you need to choose what is ultimately best for you and those around you. Be true, be real, be honest.
8. Does ethical slutdom get into orgies, groups, kink etc--how and why? Ethical sluthood includes any and all non monogamous style relationships.
Sex, Love and Rock n Roll Radio
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Anxiety -fear- of being alone, may be at the core of Love Addiction...
Addiction often at its root develops out of a need to relieve an anxiety, psychological pressure or stress. I often akin addictions to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD, which is one type of an anxiety disorder, in where the individual attempts to reduce their obsession (recurrent, unwanted thoughts) by performing repetitive behaviors – or compulsions. The DSM describes these compulsions as specific ritualistic behaviors such as hand washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, but an addiction in its action may feel like something quite similar.
Similarly, addictions develop out of a need to suppress, depress, repress, fight some sort of feelings we have whether it be sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. The compulsion is the using of drugs, alcohol, substance, and more recently we have come to acknowledge the addictions to other things such as food, sex, love, and companionship to combat our feelings.
Many groups have developed around the idea that sex and love can be used inappropriately (such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous- aka SLAA) and that there are also signs of addictions when it comes to these acts. Sex addiction, for example, is one we keep hearing more and more about in the media today with Hollywood celebrities like David Duchovny and Tiger Woods checking into sex rehab facilities. Things like sex and food are easily measured, and it is easy to agree on what ‘sex’ is, and what a sex addiction might look like. But one thing, which still may be elusive to many folks is this concept of love addiction.
Can love be addicting? It’s an interesting concept since we have yet to find a cohesive definition of what love even is, so how do we determine a love addiction? How can something as elusive as love be considered addicting? How can we determine that everyone who is married, in a relationship and/or who claims to be in love is not some sort of ‘love’ addict? Everyone’s definition of love is different.
It’s tricky and SLAA has some defined guidelines to determining a love addiction (http://www.slaafws.org/) and I prefer to call it companionship addiction. Companionship addiction is when the individual has an obsession with being in a partnership, or relationship, and/or feels the need to fill the empty space with a relationship to the point where it takes over their mind, body, focus and life. When they cannot focus on anything else but the relationship, in my opinion it definitely falls into the category of an addiction, or an obsession.
Organizations like SLAA and AA are definitely helpful as they provide an alternative to sitting at home fighting our feelings alone, but at some point the anxiety has to be self relieved, in order to truly break the pattern of addiction and obsession. If we think of the need for companionship, love, and relationships as an obsession then we will see some of the behaviors as compulsions. When we seek out these interactions based on these feelings, we are basically reacting to our anxiety. I like to suggest the idea of not reacting, or something known as non-reactivity. This tenet of Zen and Buddhist philosophies which has been adopted by many psychologists is akin to ‘sitting with our feelings.’ Instead of constantly seeking to relieve our anxiety, we choose to sit with it, listen, feel, and ultimately accept our anxiety and other discomforts as a part of our makeup, our journey, and our lives.
The first step to non-reactivity, not reacting and sitting with the anxiety is recognizing what anxiety looks and feels like. Many cannot see nor feel their anxiety, for they are too busy acting on a minute-by-minute basis, to avoid sitting with their feelings and listening to the inner voice. This means that we must first stop any and all activity what-so-ever, and practice sitting quietly, first and fore most. Then when you get the urge to do something, I.E. that antsy feeling to act or react to ease your desire, to instantly gratify a need, you then stop. You will eventually recognize that you are reacting to a feeling. This is at the core of any addiction. Love addiction is no different.
When you stop choosing partners to relieve your anxiety is when you can truly find love – whatever you decide that is.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
Similarly, addictions develop out of a need to suppress, depress, repress, fight some sort of feelings we have whether it be sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. The compulsion is the using of drugs, alcohol, substance, and more recently we have come to acknowledge the addictions to other things such as food, sex, love, and companionship to combat our feelings.
Many groups have developed around the idea that sex and love can be used inappropriately (such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous- aka SLAA) and that there are also signs of addictions when it comes to these acts. Sex addiction, for example, is one we keep hearing more and more about in the media today with Hollywood celebrities like David Duchovny and Tiger Woods checking into sex rehab facilities. Things like sex and food are easily measured, and it is easy to agree on what ‘sex’ is, and what a sex addiction might look like. But one thing, which still may be elusive to many folks is this concept of love addiction.
Can love be addicting? It’s an interesting concept since we have yet to find a cohesive definition of what love even is, so how do we determine a love addiction? How can something as elusive as love be considered addicting? How can we determine that everyone who is married, in a relationship and/or who claims to be in love is not some sort of ‘love’ addict? Everyone’s definition of love is different.
It’s tricky and SLAA has some defined guidelines to determining a love addiction (http://www.slaafws.org/) and I prefer to call it companionship addiction. Companionship addiction is when the individual has an obsession with being in a partnership, or relationship, and/or feels the need to fill the empty space with a relationship to the point where it takes over their mind, body, focus and life. When they cannot focus on anything else but the relationship, in my opinion it definitely falls into the category of an addiction, or an obsession.
Organizations like SLAA and AA are definitely helpful as they provide an alternative to sitting at home fighting our feelings alone, but at some point the anxiety has to be self relieved, in order to truly break the pattern of addiction and obsession. If we think of the need for companionship, love, and relationships as an obsession then we will see some of the behaviors as compulsions. When we seek out these interactions based on these feelings, we are basically reacting to our anxiety. I like to suggest the idea of not reacting, or something known as non-reactivity. This tenet of Zen and Buddhist philosophies which has been adopted by many psychologists is akin to ‘sitting with our feelings.’ Instead of constantly seeking to relieve our anxiety, we choose to sit with it, listen, feel, and ultimately accept our anxiety and other discomforts as a part of our makeup, our journey, and our lives.
The first step to non-reactivity, not reacting and sitting with the anxiety is recognizing what anxiety looks and feels like. Many cannot see nor feel their anxiety, for they are too busy acting on a minute-by-minute basis, to avoid sitting with their feelings and listening to the inner voice. This means that we must first stop any and all activity what-so-ever, and practice sitting quietly, first and fore most. Then when you get the urge to do something, I.E. that antsy feeling to act or react to ease your desire, to instantly gratify a need, you then stop. You will eventually recognize that you are reacting to a feeling. This is at the core of any addiction. Love addiction is no different.
When you stop choosing partners to relieve your anxiety is when you can truly find love – whatever you decide that is.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sexy Saturdays with Mou Wilson at Liberace's Penthouse
Come to the legendary pianist Liberace's penthouse!
Sexy Saturdays is a monthly Sex Therapy Workshop Series, led by Mou Wilson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Sexy Saturdays with Mou Wilson is an intimate monthly workshop, which will feature various guest speakers discussing relationship/sexuality/health/fitness and more. Situated on the gorgeous rooftop penthouse of the late legendary pianist Liberace in West Hollywood with panoramic views of Los Angeles, I hope you will find something of interest in any one of the various installations. So come on and get out of bed with me for a Sexy Saturday!
Menage a Trois Interrupted:
Defining A Non Traditional Relationship/Lifestyle in a Traditional World
Sexy Saturdays is a monthly Sex Therapy Workshop Series, led by Mou Wilson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Sexy Saturdays with Mou Wilson is an intimate monthly workshop, which will feature various guest speakers discussing relationship/sexuality/health/fitness and more. Situated on the gorgeous rooftop penthouse of the late legendary pianist Liberace in West Hollywood with panoramic views of Los Angeles, I hope you will find something of interest in any one of the various installations. So come on and get out of bed with me for a Sexy Saturday!
Defining A Non Traditional Relationship/Lifestyle in a Traditional World
In this first installation, I will be discussing recent trends in Menage a Trois, Open Relationships, Polyamory, Ethical Sluthood, Nonmonogamy, etc... Understanding the rules, or creating your own. Understanding jealousy, possession and exploring whether this is a lifestyle for you or not.
SPACE IS LIMITED SO SIGN UP NOW!!
info@mouwilson.com
(323) 284-4423
Location:
Liberace's Penthouse
in West Hollywood, CA
Address:
7461 Beverly Blvd, Penthouse East, West Hollywood CA
When:
Saturday August 21, 2010 10 AM-1 PM
Cost:
$80 per person
Who:
Anyone interested in raising their own awareness about the various lifestyles and possibilities in sexuality and or sharing their experiences.
*This event will be held outdoors.
**There is a swimming pool, so swim attire is acceptable, although not required.
***Breakfast foods will be served.
RSVP to info@mouwilson.com or call 323-284-4423
~~~CHECK BACK FOR OUR LIST OF UPCOMING SPEAKERS~~~
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Los Angeles Sex Therapy
at
www.MouWilson.com
323.284.4423
info@mouwilson.com
©Copyright, 2010
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