Our societies overly obsessive ideas about sex being mainly about erections, penetration, intercourse and orgasm have a lot of detrimental side effects, and have oftentimes caused many to lose sight of the true sensual pleasures that accompany sex. The basic premise of sensate focus is that it takes the focus off of erections/arousal (that is, how erect a man can get or how aroused a woman can get), it prohibits penetration, and intercourse as the sole focus of sex at least in the early stages, and it takes the emphasis off of orgasm. Sensate focus is one of the various tools a sex therapist, such as myself might use to help the couple (or individual) rewire their thinking about sex.
My main goals when using sensate focus in treatment is to retrain the brain by actually breaking old patterns of sexual habits by directing the couple to stop having sex (which in many cases has already happened) and then to start engaging in the sensate focus activities. By eliminating the tried and true ways of having sex, which have not been working for the couple, the goal of sensate focus is to reshape attitudes about sex, to educate about the many facets of sexuality, to get back to the roots of feeling sensuous pleasure and to stop focusing so much on the technical aspects of sex and sexuality. By taking the couple slowly through the five stages of sensate focus which focus on massage, communication, using hands and mouths while avoiding breasts and genitals, and encouraging sensual exploration verbally, mentally, as well as physically, couples learn about their own bodies as well as their partners bodies, they learn to connect on an intimate level, and often report a rebirth in their sexuality and attraction to each other in a short time. Just because they start having sex again, couples often think they are fixed. Still to really ingrain the new sensual style thinking patterns, and to avoid falling back into old patterns, I suggest utilizing this practice for several months so that it can in fact become second nature.
Sensate focus helps take the pressure off of sex. Lots of arousal and erection disorders perpetuate because one partner, or in many case both parties, are obsessed with the lack of arousal in the partner who is presenting with the symptom. The intense focus on the symptomatic partner in turn causes more pressure, anxiety and stress for him/her to perform so as to prove to the other partner his/her attraction or attractiveness. This pressure does anything but bring sexual arousal back. This pressure and often perceived lack of understanding from the wounded partner who feels he/she is undesirable only tends to exacerbates the symptoms, as pressure and stress to perform lead to more anxiety (often referred to as performance anxiety). Anxiety is a libido killer, and anything that causes anxiety, such as an over emphasis on performance will not enhance sexuality. Sexuality thrives in relaxed states. By focusing on attitudes as well as behaviors, sensate focus attempts to reconnect mind to body by taking couples back to a place of innocent sensual exploration, to experience joy and pleasure of each other’s bodies and minds as wholes, together again.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.
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