Friends With Benefits... An Interview by Tony Machado

Tony: If you have a friend who you have sex with--what are the rules?


Mou :"Friends with benefits" can be an excellent source of bonding, sharing and intimacy and the rules vary from relationship to relationship. Often times friendships turn into relationships and vice versa. In my opinion friendship should always come first. Lust, passion, romance, desire are things which ebb and flow but friendship can and should be seen as a constant. With that said, friends can often not depend on exclusivity as in our culture friends is not always synonymous with committed relationship. Committed relationship often connotes further expectations including exclusivity and other rules mostly pertaining to monogamy. Unfortunately too often the rules and ties that come with monogamy, exclusivity, marriage and relationships can do a number to even the best of friendships.


Tony: What are the rules on exclusivity?

Mou: Obviously this varies from situation to situation. Many times friends engage in sex and one or both partners are involved, married or otherwise. Obviously no exclusivity there. In our society, it is probably safe to say that friends cannot and would not expect exclusivity from a 'friends with benefits' type of situation, but then again this always depends on the type of friendship and the type of relationship they are embarking on.


Tony: What are the rules on dates with this person?

Mou:To me, 'dates' indicate that a line from friends to more-than-friends might be being crossed. Again this depends on the individuals. I definitely think that setting up some rules is always a good idea. People know what to expect and what is expected of them when rules are created. But often times its because of the lack of rules that friends often get involved, and it is the actual development of rules that creates the distinction between friends and relationships.


Tony:What are the sexual rules--who gets pleased, what acts are okay?

Mou:Again, this depends on the two people involved. If either or both involved are in relationships outside of the friendship there may be certain acts which are off limits. Too much comfort between friends also can make it harder to engage in specific acts. Between friends it could go either way, on one extreme where experimenting is more open and expected to the opposite extreme where familiarity can breed a sort of dulling of physical senses and heightened emotional connectedness.


Tony:Why do these arrangements end?

Mou:My guess would be that these arrangements often end when one person decides to move on. Or if one person falls for the other. Generally in a "friends with benefits" situation one or both parties involved admittedly does not see the other as a long term prospect, does not want a long term relationship or some situation in which long term relationship status does not come into play is in effect here. Ideally, both parties involved see eye-to-eye on this, but unfortunately too often feelings are not reciprocated and this is when these arrangements likely come to an end. Ideally, both parties involved will agree to stay friends.


Tony:Are they necessarily unhealthy?

Mou:Not at all, a "Friends with Benefits" situation can be extremely healthy as long as the lines of communication are kept open. If both parties openly, genuninely and honestly communicate his/her wants, needs and desires of the relationship and agree that the "FRIENDSHIP" is the most important and comes first then this situation can be extremely healthy. My motto is "Friendship first." Make an agreement both with yourself and with each other to be the best friend you can be to this person no matter what and it can overcome a lot of the unwanted negative emotions that can get mixed in. Maintaining objectivity is key.


Tony:How do you find a friend who likes to have sex with no other expectations?

Mou:Be honest if your attracted to someone, friends or not, and then make it known that their friendship is of utmost importance, at the end of it all.


Tony:Can the sex be any good?

Mou: Absolutely, as long as the emotions are in check, and/or reciprocated as in any relationship. Rules are good. Rules with yourself about being a good friend is the best place to start, and hopefully it will be shared with the friend.

Kill The Laundry List, Not the Sex

In our culture with its emphasis on couple-hood, marriage, monogamy, finding our one soul mate and/or Mr./Mrs. Right we can easily become fixated on the ideal of who and what this person should be, what he/she is supposed to look like, dress, act, how much money he/she should make, how this person should act, how they should clean, how well read they should be, etc, so on and so forth. The list is endless. When we first meet or hook up with the person we ultimately decide we want to spend the rest of our lives with however, those ideals are often the farthest things from our mind. Initially we are caught up in the whirlwind of romance, passion, and excitement. We are getting to know the person, learning about them and in the process often learning about ourselves and sometimes even re-inventing ourselves to be a better us and/or to fit our mate. We relish at our commonalities and smile at the way our newfound partner makes us feel. We get butterflies and are excited to spend all of our time with this person.

At some point however, generally within the first year and a half, we start to discover things about our partners that we don’t necessarily like. These things may or may not be deal-breakers. And, how we express ourselves and choose to address these issues can be detrimental to the next phase of the relationship. What happens too often however is that we start to nit-pick, nag, criticize, and even worse insult or humiliate our partner because they do not meet up to some standard we have in our head. If our partner still decides to stay in the relationship these can lead to anger, resentment, which are ultimately sex and relationship killers. No one wants this for their relationship, but inevitably it happens all to often. The good thing is that it is totally avoidable.

One of the most important things in a successful relationship is acceptance. Our goal should be to always try to accept our partner as much as we can for who they already are, who they were when they came into the relationship and with the baggage they come with. Some compromise of course is okay, expected and part of being in a working relationship. We do need to meet our partners half way. But we need to limit the changes we expect our partner to make. Essentially we need to pick our battles.

The other important thing to remember is that using positive and affirmative words and language will always yield better results over nagging, nitpicking and/or criticizing. Focus on the positive things your partner brings to the relationship and to your life. And, your partner will melt like butter in your hands.

Sometimes, understandably, problems or issues that we have with our partners are too big or too glaring for us to let go. Focusing on the positive just won’t do. These are what I call deal-breakers. A deal breaker is a behavior, which absolutely must change in order for you to feel that the relationship will work for you. In these situations you can and definitely should express your concerns, and your feelings to your partner (of course using as much positive and affirmative language as possible, and focusing on your feelings as opposed to pointing the finger at your partners behaviors), and then let the cards fall where they may. Your partner may indicate that he/she wants to change, but whether or not they really do is up to them ultimately. People will do what they do, and holding them to their word can be like pulling teeth, often causing more anger and resentment from the nagging and nitpicking you’ll be doing. If your partner has a difficult time accommodating your desire and need that which you believe to be a deal breaker you need to really rethink, “Can I live with this?” If you cannot then it is a deal breaker.

I also recommend not having too long a list of deal breakers. If you have more than two this should be a sign for you to really take a look at yourself, what your needs are, how important this relationship is to you, how important it is to have this person in your life, and do you really love/accept this person for who they are? Too long of a laundry list is heavy, and weighted and will add nothing more but burden and stress to your relationship, undermines your partners worth, may also be a strong indicator of unrealistic expectations, and may ultimately destroy any desire, passion, romance and sex left in the relationship.


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Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy


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