In our culture with its emphasis on couple-hood, marriage, monogamy, finding our one soul mate and/or Mr./Mrs. Right we can easily become fixated on the ideal of who and what this person should be, what he/she is supposed to look like, dress, act, how much money he/she should make, how this person should act, how they should clean, how well read they should be, etc, so on and so forth. The list is endless. When we first meet or hook up with the person we ultimately decide we want to spend the rest of our lives with however, those ideals are often the farthest things from our mind. Initially we are caught up in the whirlwind of romance, passion, and excitement. We are getting to know the person, learning about them and in the process often learning about ourselves and sometimes even re-inventing ourselves to be a better us and/or to fit our mate. We relish at our commonalities and smile at the way our newfound partner makes us feel. We get butterflies and are excited to spend all of our time with this person.
At some point however, generally within the first year and a half, we start to discover things about our partners that we don’t necessarily like. These things may or may not be deal-breakers. And, how we express ourselves and choose to address these issues can be detrimental to the next phase of the relationship. What happens too often however is that we start to nit-pick, nag, criticize, and even worse insult or humiliate our partner because they do not meet up to some standard we have in our head. If our partner still decides to stay in the relationship these can lead to anger, resentment, which are ultimately sex and relationship killers. No one wants this for their relationship, but inevitably it happens all to often. The good thing is that it is totally avoidable.
One of the most important things in a successful relationship is acceptance. Our goal should be to always try to accept our partner as much as we can for who they already are, who they were when they came into the relationship and with the baggage they come with. Some compromise of course is okay, expected and part of being in a working relationship. We do need to meet our partners half way. But we need to limit the changes we expect our partner to make. Essentially we need to pick our battles.
The other important thing to remember is that using positive and affirmative words and language will always yield better results over nagging, nitpicking and/or criticizing. Focus on the positive things your partner brings to the relationship and to your life. And, your partner will melt like butter in your hands.
Sometimes, understandably, problems or issues that we have with our partners are too big or too glaring for us to let go. Focusing on the positive just won’t do. These are what I call deal-breakers. A deal breaker is a behavior, which absolutely must change in order for you to feel that the relationship will work for you. In these situations you can and definitely should express your concerns, and your feelings to your partner (of course using as much positive and affirmative language as possible, and focusing on your feelings as opposed to pointing the finger at your partners behaviors), and then let the cards fall where they may. Your partner may indicate that he/she wants to change, but whether or not they really do is up to them ultimately. People will do what they do, and holding them to their word can be like pulling teeth, often causing more anger and resentment from the nagging and nitpicking you’ll be doing. If your partner has a difficult time accommodating your desire and need that which you believe to be a deal breaker you need to really rethink, “Can I live with this?” If you cannot then it is a deal breaker.
I also recommend not having too long a list of deal breakers. If you have more than two this should be a sign for you to really take a look at yourself, what your needs are, how important this relationship is to you, how important it is to have this person in your life, and do you really love/accept this person for who they are? Too long of a laundry list is heavy, and weighted and will add nothing more but burden and stress to your relationship, undermines your partners worth, may also be a strong indicator of unrealistic expectations, and may ultimately destroy any desire, passion, romance and sex left in the relationship.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.
Sex, Love and Rock n Roll Radio
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
What Your Fantasies Might Mean....
Believe it or not, everyone has some secret desire, fantasy, or even fetish that brings on arousal and turns us on in the bedroom, or otherwise. For some of us, our fantasies work best when used alone. We thus prefer to use the fantasy as personal experience on our own, and don’t find the need to share it with others. Others of us strive and have a strong urge to share our fantasy or fetish, to live it out and to act it out with our partners and with others. Finally there are those of us who have trouble swallowing the content of our desires, feel confused about its meaning and are thus conflicted about our fantasies and fetishes.
Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what is turning us on is common in our society. We want to know, why do I feel this way? And where does this come from? The short answer is this, our sexual fantasies are likely a reflection of the very stimuli/stimulus which we were exposed to during our sexual awakening, much like classical conditioning. For example the boy who experiences his first erection in the bathtub, may thus pair arousal with water and bathing, and thus might have fantasies involving water. The girl who has a domineering mother, or who feels ostracized a lot by her peers may have fantasies about being dominated as an adult.
What is often difficult for people to understand is that sexual awakening happens when we are children. Childhood sexuality though a completely natural part of development is often ignored in our culture, shunned or brushed under the rug as wrong. The child is made to feel ashamed or guilty for having sexual thoughts, and desires. No explanations are given and nothing is talked about. But remembering that sexual curiosity is a normal and natural part of a healthy child’s development an innocent desire of a child to explore, and feel pleasure, can eradicate much of the shame and guilt we have about our early sexual experiences, which in turn may lead to our current state of confusion regarding our desires and arousals.
Sexual fantasies may also be a reflection of our daily anxieties. For example, the one who worries about having too many responsibilities in his/her daily life may fantasize about completely dominated and controlled in bed, or the woman who feels small and unattractive may fantasize about being a sexual dominatrix. The key is to remember that we are creatures of balance. What we present to the world and feel on a daily basis often needs to be countered by it’s polar opposite, which could be presenting it’s face in our sexual fantasies and fetishes. This is not to say that the individual who fantasizes about being sexually dominated in bed is thus weak and helpless in real life. In fact the opposite is quite true. Our sexual fantasies are often times a representation of something in our life, whether past or present and when we break them down and take a much closer look, we will see that they are a normal reaction to some set of our own life experiences.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.
Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what is turning us on is common in our society. We want to know, why do I feel this way? And where does this come from? The short answer is this, our sexual fantasies are likely a reflection of the very stimuli/stimulus which we were exposed to during our sexual awakening, much like classical conditioning. For example the boy who experiences his first erection in the bathtub, may thus pair arousal with water and bathing, and thus might have fantasies involving water. The girl who has a domineering mother, or who feels ostracized a lot by her peers may have fantasies about being dominated as an adult.
What is often difficult for people to understand is that sexual awakening happens when we are children. Childhood sexuality though a completely natural part of development is often ignored in our culture, shunned or brushed under the rug as wrong. The child is made to feel ashamed or guilty for having sexual thoughts, and desires. No explanations are given and nothing is talked about. But remembering that sexual curiosity is a normal and natural part of a healthy child’s development an innocent desire of a child to explore, and feel pleasure, can eradicate much of the shame and guilt we have about our early sexual experiences, which in turn may lead to our current state of confusion regarding our desires and arousals.
Sexual fantasies may also be a reflection of our daily anxieties. For example, the one who worries about having too many responsibilities in his/her daily life may fantasize about completely dominated and controlled in bed, or the woman who feels small and unattractive may fantasize about being a sexual dominatrix. The key is to remember that we are creatures of balance. What we present to the world and feel on a daily basis often needs to be countered by it’s polar opposite, which could be presenting it’s face in our sexual fantasies and fetishes. This is not to say that the individual who fantasizes about being sexually dominated in bed is thus weak and helpless in real life. In fact the opposite is quite true. Our sexual fantasies are often times a representation of something in our life, whether past or present and when we break them down and take a much closer look, we will see that they are a normal reaction to some set of our own life experiences.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Fetish Part II.... Originally written for Lip Service Webzine...
ALL THAT IS CONSIDERED FETISH, IS REALLY JUST SEXY!
So, have you begun to embrace your fetish yet? Still having difficulty understanding the nature of all that is considered Fetish?
Well, let me help you… I’ve compiled a list of definitions to help you identify your likings …err.. fetishes…, and to help you on your journey towards unleashing your ideals of sexy.
So, what is Sexy to you? Do you get turned on by touching or feeling something of the material nature? I’m talking about leather chaps, furry hand-cuffs, feather boas, rubber body suits, lace, latex, silk. If so, you have what is called a media fetish… Or maybe you get all tingle-ey inside when you see stiletto heels, knee-high boots, and sexy lingerie? Then you have a form fetish… And for those you who have a love for all that is human, body parts and flesh such as manicured feet, sexy hair, muscular buns, and taut breasts, then you fall into our third category of lovers of animate fetishes.
Remember, people can turn just about anything into a fetish. There are different degrees of fetishism that go from mild to extreme, your fetish may be a combination punch of the three types mentioned above or maybe be a simple fetish represented by one thing.
Ok, so all of the aforementioned things are hot and sexy but not your cup of tea? So, you’re into more of a sexy lifestyle that moves beyond objects, textures and body parts… Well, besides the typical object fetishes, there are also sexual preferences that are considered to be kinky fetishistic acts.
Sado-Masochism, or S&M: This is the practice of bondage and discipline where the sadist gets pleasure from placing others into submission, humiliation and/or by inflicting pain. Their partners are the masochists, the ones who receive the punishment, the whippings and the spankings, bowing to their servant, so to speak. There are many levels of SM sex play, and should always be consensual.
Exhibitionism. Exhibitionists get off by displaying their private parts in public
generally to an unwilling audience. Do you do this or like this? If so, be careful. The turn on is generally non- consensual and can be psychologically harmful to an unsuspecting victim. You can find pro-social ways of expressing the exhibitionist in you. Role-play and fantasy play with your consensual partner can be just as exciting.
Voyeurism. Do you get turned on by watching someone else? Viewing porn is a common form of voyeurism that is socially acceptable.
Swinging & Group Sex. So you like three-somes (mènage à trios) or group sex/orgies? Cool. This just means you like variety and there is nothing wrong with that.
Your kinky-fetish loving self needs to have your needs met, and what’s wrong with indulging in a little pleasure? Just remember if you're hurting yourself or hurting others, seek professional help. Otherwise, hat off, err…I mean leather chaps off!
Just remember that this doesn’t mean you have to air all the kinky details of your fetish to anyone. It merely means acceptance within yourself, and communicating with your partner, if that applies. Second, you must remember that role-play and incorporating fantasy must always be mutual and consensual. If your fetish is interfering with your relationships, your life, or hurting others you should seek the help of a professional.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
So, have you begun to embrace your fetish yet? Still having difficulty understanding the nature of all that is considered Fetish?
Well, let me help you… I’ve compiled a list of definitions to help you identify your likings …err.. fetishes…, and to help you on your journey towards unleashing your ideals of sexy.
So, what is Sexy to you? Do you get turned on by touching or feeling something of the material nature? I’m talking about leather chaps, furry hand-cuffs, feather boas, rubber body suits, lace, latex, silk. If so, you have what is called a media fetish… Or maybe you get all tingle-ey inside when you see stiletto heels, knee-high boots, and sexy lingerie? Then you have a form fetish… And for those you who have a love for all that is human, body parts and flesh such as manicured feet, sexy hair, muscular buns, and taut breasts, then you fall into our third category of lovers of animate fetishes.
Remember, people can turn just about anything into a fetish. There are different degrees of fetishism that go from mild to extreme, your fetish may be a combination punch of the three types mentioned above or maybe be a simple fetish represented by one thing.
Ok, so all of the aforementioned things are hot and sexy but not your cup of tea? So, you’re into more of a sexy lifestyle that moves beyond objects, textures and body parts… Well, besides the typical object fetishes, there are also sexual preferences that are considered to be kinky fetishistic acts.
Sado-Masochism, or S&M: This is the practice of bondage and discipline where the sadist gets pleasure from placing others into submission, humiliation and/or by inflicting pain. Their partners are the masochists, the ones who receive the punishment, the whippings and the spankings, bowing to their servant, so to speak. There are many levels of SM sex play, and should always be consensual.
Exhibitionism. Exhibitionists get off by displaying their private parts in public
generally to an unwilling audience. Do you do this or like this? If so, be careful. The turn on is generally non- consensual and can be psychologically harmful to an unsuspecting victim. You can find pro-social ways of expressing the exhibitionist in you. Role-play and fantasy play with your consensual partner can be just as exciting.
Voyeurism. Do you get turned on by watching someone else? Viewing porn is a common form of voyeurism that is socially acceptable.
Swinging & Group Sex. So you like three-somes (mènage à trios) or group sex/orgies? Cool. This just means you like variety and there is nothing wrong with that.
Your kinky-fetish loving self needs to have your needs met, and what’s wrong with indulging in a little pleasure? Just remember if you're hurting yourself or hurting others, seek professional help. Otherwise, hat off, err…I mean leather chaps off!
Just remember that this doesn’t mean you have to air all the kinky details of your fetish to anyone. It merely means acceptance within yourself, and communicating with your partner, if that applies. Second, you must remember that role-play and incorporating fantasy must always be mutual and consensual. If your fetish is interfering with your relationships, your life, or hurting others you should seek the help of a professional.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Fetish Part I... Piece I wrote for Lip Service Webzine
The Webster dictionary definition of a fetish is, an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression (www.merriam-webster.com, 2009). Hmmm, that’s a mouthful of psychobabble.
For those you who prefer English, a fetish is an object of desire, something that is typically out of the ordinary, which arouses you or turns you on.
So, do you think you’ve got a fetish? Maybe you’ve got a foot fetish with a special liking for freshly painted shiny red toe nails, black fishnet pantyhose stockings slipped into a snug shiny patent leather high heel platform boot or pump. Or maybe you are a masculine man type who gets a surge of excitement when wearing female panties? Or maybe you’re so fetishistic that you live in bondage clothes and eat, breathe, and practice S&M in your sleep.
Chances are that given the atypical nature of fetishes, it is quite possible that at some point you have felt embarrassed, ashamed or just downright closeted about your fetish, because after all it’s really no one’s business what you do behind closed doors, right?
Well, yes and no. First of all let me assure you that having a fetish is actually a quite normal happening. We are predisposed to be sensually attracted to and turned on to items of the tactile nature. Even seeing pictures of a woman or man’s naked body can be considered a fetish, though based on the normality of such things it gets brushed under the rug. This brings me to my second point. Fetishes come in all shapes and sizes.
How you got to your fetish is your own business and your own journey. We are often classically conditioned to find certain things arousing at an early age when our parents and teachers didn’t even want to think we were sexual beings….What happens is that we are exposed to something right at that precise moment when we are ripe and ready, and we start to feel aroused and BAM! it becomes a sexual fetish that resurfaces and lasts for years to come.
Read: If you’re of the live, breathe, eat, sleep fetish nature, no one can prevent you from expressing your fetish and you are already further ahead on your fetish journey than most will ever go ….for you know the importance of embracing your fetish. Which brings me to the crux of today’s discussion.
You see, the thing about fetishes is, especially if you keep them hidden and tied up in your closet, a secret from the rest of the world, they then have a tendency to go sour, fast. An unchecked, unaccepted, unappreciated fetish has the propensity of becoming an obsession and a compulsion.
Your best bet is to fly your fetish flag, by this I don’t mean that you have to be loud, proud and out of the closet. Just be realistic. Embrace your fetish! If you have a partner, this is especially true, let your partner in on what it is that turns you on. Fetishes are great for fantasies and role-play, which in turn are great ways to turn up the volume on and add spice to your relationship. Plus, your partner will feel appreciated and loved that you thought so highly of your relationship by letting him/her in on your little secret. And chances are, you will feel better, too.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
For those you who prefer English, a fetish is an object of desire, something that is typically out of the ordinary, which arouses you or turns you on.
So, do you think you’ve got a fetish? Maybe you’ve got a foot fetish with a special liking for freshly painted shiny red toe nails, black fishnet pantyhose stockings slipped into a snug shiny patent leather high heel platform boot or pump. Or maybe you are a masculine man type who gets a surge of excitement when wearing female panties? Or maybe you’re so fetishistic that you live in bondage clothes and eat, breathe, and practice S&M in your sleep.
Chances are that given the atypical nature of fetishes, it is quite possible that at some point you have felt embarrassed, ashamed or just downright closeted about your fetish, because after all it’s really no one’s business what you do behind closed doors, right?
Well, yes and no. First of all let me assure you that having a fetish is actually a quite normal happening. We are predisposed to be sensually attracted to and turned on to items of the tactile nature. Even seeing pictures of a woman or man’s naked body can be considered a fetish, though based on the normality of such things it gets brushed under the rug. This brings me to my second point. Fetishes come in all shapes and sizes.
How you got to your fetish is your own business and your own journey. We are often classically conditioned to find certain things arousing at an early age when our parents and teachers didn’t even want to think we were sexual beings….What happens is that we are exposed to something right at that precise moment when we are ripe and ready, and we start to feel aroused and BAM! it becomes a sexual fetish that resurfaces and lasts for years to come.
Read: If you’re of the live, breathe, eat, sleep fetish nature, no one can prevent you from expressing your fetish and you are already further ahead on your fetish journey than most will ever go ….for you know the importance of embracing your fetish. Which brings me to the crux of today’s discussion.
You see, the thing about fetishes is, especially if you keep them hidden and tied up in your closet, a secret from the rest of the world, they then have a tendency to go sour, fast. An unchecked, unaccepted, unappreciated fetish has the propensity of becoming an obsession and a compulsion.
Your best bet is to fly your fetish flag, by this I don’t mean that you have to be loud, proud and out of the closet. Just be realistic. Embrace your fetish! If you have a partner, this is especially true, let your partner in on what it is that turns you on. Fetishes are great for fantasies and role-play, which in turn are great ways to turn up the volume on and add spice to your relationship. Plus, your partner will feel appreciated and loved that you thought so highly of your relationship by letting him/her in on your little secret. And chances are, you will feel better, too.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
Sex and Recovery, A Piece I wrote for GoodTherapy.Org
Dealing with Sex and Relationships in Recovery
At the very core of our lives is sexuality. Though as a society we are not quite exactly trained to talk openly and honestly about sex, nonetheless we grow up recognizing and knowing intrinsically the need we as human beings have for sex and the roles it plays at the very core of humanity, with of course it’s one of it’s main functions being procreation. And, what is the other function of sex? Well, pleasure, of course.
If only pleasure were such an easy thing for us to comprehend. As a society not only are were discouraged from talking about the pleasure that sex brings us, we are also led to recognize the detriments of deriving too much pleasure. The very lack of our society’s ability to openly acknowledge the things, which bring us pleasure, may also in turn cause us to abuse the things that bring us pleasure. It is known as hedonistic to throw oneself into pleasure all the way, to be unable to find a happy medium, middle ground or balance, and when all the other things in life begin to become neglected: work, family, friends, finances, and so on. We have come to call this phenomenon as Addiction. And, when someone comes to the end of the rope with Addiction they often recognize that the only way to undo the damage is to go into what we call sobriety of recovery.
When an alcoholic or addict goes through recovery from a chemical dependency, too often sex is at the core but is one topic that often also gets neglected. Much of recovery is spent addressing the relationships, which affected and were affected by the addiction, coming to terms with our addictions and understanding ourselves in relation to and in connection to our higher spirit. All of these are indeed all very important things on the road of recovery. However, it is not every day that the role sex plays in an addiction is explored.
One of the first things to mention is that drug and drinking problems are often sexual problems in disguise. Sex plays a major role for too many individuals who become chemically dependent. And to break down its walls it's necessary to understand its effects.
Sexuality is often the one of the most fragile areas of a recovering individual’s torn self-image and esteem. Many of the issues of love and relationships that come up for addicts in recovery from alcoholism and other forms of chemical dependency have much to do with sexuality once the walls broken down.
Sexual fears and insecurities may often be the force that drives a user to drinking or drug use in the first place. For example, many professionals point to early sexual abuse as the place where some anxieties begin. It has been recognized that childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor in drug dependence. Research indicates that of all the patients in treatment about half have been raped or abused, while a third are victims of incest. So, as practitioners we have to recognize that sexual abuse may be damaging to feelings of self-worth, which in and of itself is a risk factor for drug use and abuse.
Not only is sexual abuse is a major contributor to addiction. Sexual and gender stereotypes are another. Some of the tried and true gender roles still hold true in our society, even though we are seeing progress and change. Many women are still the primary home caregivers, putting the needs of men and children ahead of their own, neglecting their own need for support and intimacy. And, men are often still expected to be the initiators, the aggressors, and the breadwinners forgetting to express their emotions and feelings. Ignoring our needs and feelings are risk factors for addiction.
In treatment we learn that preserving sobriety involves more than merely reshaping the habits of drug or chemical use, it also requires throwing away stereotypes and reshaping the old attitudes that have been hammered in over the years. In treatment the addict learns to start taking care of his/her own needs. The addict learns to address feelings, and to address emotions for recovery depends on it. The individual in recovery must talk about things like sexual abuse, sexual gender roles and stereotypes. And, likewise must also talk openly talk about his/her sex life.
The key is to deal with sex after sobriety. Avoiding sex may leave one poorly prepared to cultivate relationships that don't revolve around for example, singles bars and drinking, causing an addict to lose that hard-earned sobriety within months, if not weeks. Unless treatment addresses both the dependency and sexuality, recovering addicts risk relapse with every close romantic encounter. Most treatment programs do recognize that it takes two to repair a relationship strained by years of chemical abuse, and will incorporate the partner of the addict.
And even though many addicts may feel like doing so in recovery, running away from sex is not realistic, so it's better to put sex in the context of feelings and factors that make up the whole person. Here are some things for the addict to remember when it comes to sex:
1. Talk about sexual feelings of guilt and anger in order to heal. Addicts need to learn to recognize the patterns of feelings, sexual or otherwise, that drive them to drink or abuse substances. Only then are they ready for new relationships, or of rekindling that old relationship.
2. A recovering addict also needs to move slowly whether in a new or old relationship or if single. Concentrate on building self-confidence first and self-image before building up the sex life. For many it is even a good idea to wait, six months even a year before beginning a new sexual relationship. Couples should focus first on sharing time and feelings together before jumping back into bed and into their old, unstable, erratic sex life, and sex therapy is a good starting point.
3. Start over by focusing on really learning about our own bodies and feelings. The goal here is to help ease fears that sexual feelings are abnormal or strange. It is important to take the time to really learn (or re-learn) what one likes sexually. Couples should focus on sensuality and should take the pressure off of sex and orgasm for a while and instead do things like take bubble baths, sensual massage, and mutual masturbation, and openly communicate with each other about sex. It is important to recognize that just like there's more to alcoholism recovery than not drinking, there's more to sexuality than just sex.
An addict will very likely need to rewire his/her ideas about sex. Taking the time and talking openly about sex are the keys. And the addict who discovers that sex can be a bridge to intimacy, satisfaction, and a strong self-image is likely to find deeper, more honest and satisfying relationships - sexual and otherwise - at the other end.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
At the very core of our lives is sexuality. Though as a society we are not quite exactly trained to talk openly and honestly about sex, nonetheless we grow up recognizing and knowing intrinsically the need we as human beings have for sex and the roles it plays at the very core of humanity, with of course it’s one of it’s main functions being procreation. And, what is the other function of sex? Well, pleasure, of course.
If only pleasure were such an easy thing for us to comprehend. As a society not only are were discouraged from talking about the pleasure that sex brings us, we are also led to recognize the detriments of deriving too much pleasure. The very lack of our society’s ability to openly acknowledge the things, which bring us pleasure, may also in turn cause us to abuse the things that bring us pleasure. It is known as hedonistic to throw oneself into pleasure all the way, to be unable to find a happy medium, middle ground or balance, and when all the other things in life begin to become neglected: work, family, friends, finances, and so on. We have come to call this phenomenon as Addiction. And, when someone comes to the end of the rope with Addiction they often recognize that the only way to undo the damage is to go into what we call sobriety of recovery.
When an alcoholic or addict goes through recovery from a chemical dependency, too often sex is at the core but is one topic that often also gets neglected. Much of recovery is spent addressing the relationships, which affected and were affected by the addiction, coming to terms with our addictions and understanding ourselves in relation to and in connection to our higher spirit. All of these are indeed all very important things on the road of recovery. However, it is not every day that the role sex plays in an addiction is explored.
One of the first things to mention is that drug and drinking problems are often sexual problems in disguise. Sex plays a major role for too many individuals who become chemically dependent. And to break down its walls it's necessary to understand its effects.
Sexuality is often the one of the most fragile areas of a recovering individual’s torn self-image and esteem. Many of the issues of love and relationships that come up for addicts in recovery from alcoholism and other forms of chemical dependency have much to do with sexuality once the walls broken down.
Sexual fears and insecurities may often be the force that drives a user to drinking or drug use in the first place. For example, many professionals point to early sexual abuse as the place where some anxieties begin. It has been recognized that childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor in drug dependence. Research indicates that of all the patients in treatment about half have been raped or abused, while a third are victims of incest. So, as practitioners we have to recognize that sexual abuse may be damaging to feelings of self-worth, which in and of itself is a risk factor for drug use and abuse.
Not only is sexual abuse is a major contributor to addiction. Sexual and gender stereotypes are another. Some of the tried and true gender roles still hold true in our society, even though we are seeing progress and change. Many women are still the primary home caregivers, putting the needs of men and children ahead of their own, neglecting their own need for support and intimacy. And, men are often still expected to be the initiators, the aggressors, and the breadwinners forgetting to express their emotions and feelings. Ignoring our needs and feelings are risk factors for addiction.
In treatment we learn that preserving sobriety involves more than merely reshaping the habits of drug or chemical use, it also requires throwing away stereotypes and reshaping the old attitudes that have been hammered in over the years. In treatment the addict learns to start taking care of his/her own needs. The addict learns to address feelings, and to address emotions for recovery depends on it. The individual in recovery must talk about things like sexual abuse, sexual gender roles and stereotypes. And, likewise must also talk openly talk about his/her sex life.
The key is to deal with sex after sobriety. Avoiding sex may leave one poorly prepared to cultivate relationships that don't revolve around for example, singles bars and drinking, causing an addict to lose that hard-earned sobriety within months, if not weeks. Unless treatment addresses both the dependency and sexuality, recovering addicts risk relapse with every close romantic encounter. Most treatment programs do recognize that it takes two to repair a relationship strained by years of chemical abuse, and will incorporate the partner of the addict.
And even though many addicts may feel like doing so in recovery, running away from sex is not realistic, so it's better to put sex in the context of feelings and factors that make up the whole person. Here are some things for the addict to remember when it comes to sex:
1. Talk about sexual feelings of guilt and anger in order to heal. Addicts need to learn to recognize the patterns of feelings, sexual or otherwise, that drive them to drink or abuse substances. Only then are they ready for new relationships, or of rekindling that old relationship.
2. A recovering addict also needs to move slowly whether in a new or old relationship or if single. Concentrate on building self-confidence first and self-image before building up the sex life. For many it is even a good idea to wait, six months even a year before beginning a new sexual relationship. Couples should focus first on sharing time and feelings together before jumping back into bed and into their old, unstable, erratic sex life, and sex therapy is a good starting point.
3. Start over by focusing on really learning about our own bodies and feelings. The goal here is to help ease fears that sexual feelings are abnormal or strange. It is important to take the time to really learn (or re-learn) what one likes sexually. Couples should focus on sensuality and should take the pressure off of sex and orgasm for a while and instead do things like take bubble baths, sensual massage, and mutual masturbation, and openly communicate with each other about sex. It is important to recognize that just like there's more to alcoholism recovery than not drinking, there's more to sexuality than just sex.
An addict will very likely need to rewire his/her ideas about sex. Taking the time and talking openly about sex are the keys. And the addict who discovers that sex can be a bridge to intimacy, satisfaction, and a strong self-image is likely to find deeper, more honest and satisfying relationships - sexual and otherwise - at the other end.
To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy
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