Sex, Relationships in the Internet Age

When the Internet first started gaining momentum, I wanted to be a part of this new media wave and craze, and to this day I see the world wide benefits and uses of the Internet and the Web.

Let's first talk about my favorites, all the social networking sites. These have been a great way for people to keep in touch with high school classmates, family members, reconnect with old friends and to even make and develop new friendships and relationships. Dating sites are big these days and are a popular way to get into the dating scene from the comfort of your own home, assuaging all the anxiety provoking, somewhat monotonous or mundane small talk and other fear inducing aspects of dating, getting to know someone in person to where they can do it online via chat or email. The ability to post pictures and blogs where you can discuss anything from your hobbies to your experiences, makes it easy to have an entire life on the Internet, get to know people, and to build an entire social network. Not to mention marketing products and product development. You can run your entire business from the Internet, be it a retail business or an entertainment business. You can market your music, you can market your videos, you can market your writing. The uses and benefits of the Internet are endless. I'm a big proponent for internet marketing, social networking, blogging, etc.. and in general utilizing the multifaceted and multimedia web wisely, effectively, and productively.

Relationships can also develop, grow and flourish on the Internet. Shyness, rejection, and low self esteem can all be combated via the plethora of dating sites, friend sites and networking sites.
Introverted people who have a hard time being heard in a crowded venue can develop intimate and meaningful relationships in intimate settings. Chat rooms give everyone an equal opportunity with it's inability to judge someone physically thereby making it a safe place to meet new people.

With the advent of the Internet, pornography also has a new found home where it can breed, thrive and flourish. Pornography of all types can be found on the Internet. Whatever your flavor it can be found. If not, it can be created, uploaded and distributed. Widespread. Dispersed. World Wide. No restrictions, no censorship, no judgment, and completely anonymous. People are getting exposed to elements of sexuality that may have never even crossed their minds, which is opening minds and creating exposure. This is, for the most part, a good thing. Our society could use a little more exposure to (read:) healthy forms of sexuality and little reminders that sexuality is a human component, and should not be compartmentalized. In developed countries like the United States where each household has a computer, and even more so often individuals have personal computers with personal access to pornography, social sites, individual sexuality also has the opportunity can also flourish.

I believe that masturbation can be a healthy form of self sexual exploration. Masturbation can help one develop an understanding of his/her likes, dislikes in terms of sexuality, what one finds arousing, what specific spots on the body are more exciting or excitable than others. Masturbation can provide elements of sexual discernment, growth and self awareness. Giving oneself the time and space to explore personal sexual enjoyment in the form of masturbation can be a liberating experience and a life long journey, with the self.

With the influx of Internet which provides an element of interaction, as well as anonymity and as I mentioned earlier, a safe space to develop, and maintain relationships the effect of pornography coupled with masturbation can bring about a feeling of having a very personal yet shared experience with something very private and sexual. This can bring about feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, joy and intimacy, but because of our societies views about masturbation and sex, and the anonymous aspect this can also bring about feelings of guilt, shame, and unfortunately can perpetuate unhealthy ideas about sex, sexuality, masturbation and the like.

I have to point out that the risks are huge. Unfortunately not all porn is healthy for one, and too much of anyone thing can turn even the smallest ounce of health thing unhealthy and into an addiction. For people who tend to be more introverted, who have found a safe meeting zone online this can even be an outright social death, and can actually perpetuate social fears. People can hide behind their computer screen for years, content with the interaction they have online and never having to leave their living room or bedroom to have a real relationship. This is virtual reality at it's finest, and as a mental health specialist in the area of sex and relationships I have to say that this is one of the Internet's biggest flaws. I am a liberal, a believer of freedom in sexual expression, honesty and openness when it comes to sex, masturbation, porn and the like. I also have to give props to the Internet for providing said introverts with the outlet to overcome their introversion, via baby steps which can start in your living room. But when it comes to real time socializing, relationships, and true extroversion, we cannot possibly develop these when we are sitting alone in our living room. We cannot grow if we isolate ourselves behind closed doors. It's like trying to exercise in a cage. It cannot be done.

The individual who fears actual face-to-face interaction with the public can hide for years behind the facade of the internet, and in turn never change and never get the quality out of the relationships that they want and desire. The Internet can hold you hostage.

I believe that extroversion is a muscle that you have, that the more you use the stronger it becomes. When I talk about introversion, I am talking about people want and wish to have fulfilling personal relationships, but for various reasons are afraid. I am not referring to workaholics, or those who may also be spending excessive hours online making business connections. Many a workaholics prefer the satisfaction of work and accomplishment to the satisfaction of personal relationships. These people do not spend a lot of time making friends on the Internet. They may spend a lot of time marketing to millions of people and networking with entire groups on the Net, but don't wholly consider this "socializing." They consider this networking, and are likely trying to promote or market something, some product, or some idea.

I am referring to the people who get online to make a connection, whether it personal or sexual, that has little to do with business and more to do with pleasure. These people are willing to spend money on this personal connection. The net on the one hand gives us easy access to a social outlet, and when used properly can instigate change, make you feel emotionally stronger, heed support and communities of support so that you can get out there and socialize, but for too many people Internet provides social-relational crutches, allowing one to avoid real time relationships in the long term, for the faux Internet ones.

The key here is to find balance and to know that you CAN find balance. Too much of a good thing, still, can be addictive, and the Internet is no exception. If you desire significant long lasting friendships and relationships that are healthy, and/or you desire the sexual and personal understanding of a close friend and confidante in real life, the key is knowing that this lies within your reach. Your belief in yourself, your own self confidence, self esteem and actions all can help you to achieve these satisfying real time relationships. Let the Internet be your guide, but don't let it take over your life.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Copyright 2010

Monogamy and Marriage

Studies suggest that only few mammals are truly monogamous, that is they stay with the same mate throughout their entire life. Nature also suggests that the majority of mammals, although monogamous, actually have several mates in a lifetime, staying with one mate for a short period of time, mostly for mating purposes and then move on to other mates. This is also known as serial monogamy.

I know is that in our society, marriage happens a lot but so does divorce and infidelity.

There is a lot of pressure in our society to get married. There is a lot of pressure to believe that there is 'The One' person for you that will be 'The One and Only' person for you forever. A lot of people believe and cling to the idea of 'soul-mates.' Our society has entire industries based on couple-hood, from Hallmark greeting cards, to the wedding industry, to the idea of a nuclear family and on and on. We are a society built on the marriage of two people, who first of all get married, then co-habitate, procreate and stay together "till death do us part." Is this very realistic? Is this very natural? To be totally honest, I tend to question the whole idea.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in love. I believe in true love. I believe in falling in love. I love all of that romantic, sexy, passionate, adorable, crushes, sweet love stuff. I also love and believe in couples and partnerships and loyalty and devotion. Yes, you could say I believe in Monogamy. But I also believe that the institution of Marriage in and of itself breeds Infidelity.

I spend a lot of time in my practice working with couples. I help a lot of couples overcome sexual incompatibilities, and to recognize that relationships take work. I truly believe in Couplehood. We meet, we fall in love, we build a life together, and sometimes we need a little help to stay together, because we really want to stay together. We really do want to stay together. But sometimes I wonder why? Are we afraid to let go? Are we so concerned about the time, money and effort we have invested into the relationship, we don't want to see it all crumble? Are we afraid to start over? Are we afraid to be alone? Are we afraid of others judging us negatively because we are alone?

I like to encourage people to think about their true honest happiness. If they come to me talking about an affair, or the desire to cheat I feel concern about the honesty and integrity in their life. People get attached to people, and when they feel that things cannot change they will often go outside the marriage. Some people live many years doing just this thing: http://ashleymadman.tumblr.com/ and there are websites even, devoted to this kind of thing, IE having affairs with other married people
www.ashleymadison.com.

No doubt it's easier to stay where you are in life, with the person you are with, with the kids, the in-laws, the house, the mortgage and the marriage you are already in and it's just easier to cheat or have an illicit affair, unbeknown to anyone else, than it is to just throw all of it away for some quick and fleeting, 15 minute prelude, rendezvous or dalliance. I totally understand and I get it. It's not worth it, and your sexual desires and needs are secondary to all of the other life and worldly needs you have built. And at the end of the day I don't blame anyone, per Se, I blame our society. I blame organized religion. I blame the right wing for their overly conservative views which don't acknowledge our innate sexual appetites as part of our holistic health, which force many who feel they don't have a choice, into an unhealthy life of marriage where people feel forced to lie, cheat and be deceitful.

I know divorce rates are up, and people follow their hearts and minds and split up. Divorce is often costly but still they'll get married for a short time, then they'll divorce, remarry, etc. Yes, I know and understand that is more common these days, but the view that the person we marry is the one we are meant to be with forever still causes a lot of heartache, insecurity and jealousy. People kill because they believe the one they are with is someone they can and should own. People kill entire countries over it. We call it Love, and yes, I don't deny that Love can make us feel passionate, jealousy and envy for sure, because we are after all human. But what if we as a society recognized that we will have several partners in a lifetime, and sometimes even in a short period of time, and that each person brings something, some gift into our life for the time that they are with us, whether it be short or long, and then it may just time to move on, would we cling so tightly to the ones we love (which not only hurts us but pushes the ones we love away, and is unhealthy anyway)? Would we feel the freedom to love more freely? What if we recognized that we as humans, and as mammals with the propensity to evolve over centuries, have also the ability to evolve during our lifetime? We age from birth until we die of old age, and during that time we grow and change immensely, we mature and age, we have the ability to learn and experience so much. People don't always grow and change with us. Is it right to be forced to hang onto to someone who no longer helps us grow? Why are we so afraid to acknowledge that different people come into our lives for certain periods of time and then it might be time for them to go? Why must we claim ownership by signing the marriage paper? And, once married why must we expect our partner to love and be intimate with only us? Is that realistic and fair thing to do to one another? According to many organized religions, yes. It is the noble and expected way. One must marry, be faithful and monogamous to one person their entire life. The view of sex is often dirty and only expected as a part of procreation. I think this is unfortunate. I think sex is part of the natural flow of life. An ebbing and flowing of energy, and in much the same way I think people fall out of love. I think that sometimes a little variety can foster growth, and change and learning. I think that the very rigid forms of monogamy and marriage are often stifling and don't allow for growth whether mentally, spiritually or however.

Many people see marriage as a choice, and once they make it they stick to it, through hell and high water, and that's great, truly awesome, and amazing. I know many couples like that, including my parents, and many of our older generation, and even some hopefuls from my generation and younger generations who made the marital commitment with the notion they will stay with that person until they die. How realistic though are these traditions? Do they not breed all sorts of unhealthy emotions and behaviors, such as jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, lying, and cheating to name a few?

Some couples know that it is not realistic for them and they come to a conclusion together to live and lead an "alternative" lifestyle, whatever that may mean for them. I've seen nudists, swingers, threesomes and more. And I've seen these both successful as well as troublesome versions of these. Anything that is not the norm can sometimes be extremely difficult to swallow for either members of the couple, so even alternative lifestyles come with their issues and idiosyncrasies. The alternative lifestyle path is not the answer for everyone, does not always work and may cause other problems. I'm not sure if that is because innately we want to be with one person and one person only, or because as a society we were taught that our partner should love and be with only us, but marriage and monogamy is still the norm, and anything that strays from this norm is just that considered "alternative."

So, I don't have the answer for you. I do help a lot of couples who are interested in staying together work out their problems whether it means re-committing themselves or becoming more open minded about leading an "alternative" lifestyle to accommodate their change and growth. I always support the couple and/or the individual in whatever path they choose. I believe that you are the expert on your life. I just ask you to consider these things before diving in. Consider whether or not you believe in marriage, monogamy and if you're willing to make that life-long commitment. Consider what marriage, love, sex and relationships all mean to you. Consider how much you need to be accepted by society versus how honestly you want to live your life, because sometimes the two paths (honesty and acceptance by society) don't always cross. Get to know your beliefs on sexuality and religion. Get to know yourself. All of these things will help you to ultimately lead a truer, happier life.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Lesbians...

Remember these two? What happened to the two young sexy little Rockers from Russia, T.A.T.U?

What Women Say....To Their Girlfriends..An Interview I did for American Curves magazine.

How explicit do women get?

When a woman is talking to her best friend about her sexual experiences she is not very likely to go into detail about the actual technique of a man, the size of his penis, or anything that has to do with the visual. Unless of course, he was exceptional, IE. He had a washboard stomach, or his penis was especially large. Women are more likely to talk about how she felt and how he treated her. Did he say nice things to her? Did he talk dirty or sexy? She is more likely to report the smaller things than the details of the sex act itself.


Are they likely to talk about a man's size?

Yes and no. If the guy has an exceptionally large penis she may refer to him as "well endowed" or brag about how big he was but if he was smaller, or on the small side, she is more likely to focus on how well he did the other things. She will talk about his other techniques, for example "He really likes to use his hand, or his tongue."


Will they go into detail about his sexual technique and if they do to what
extent?

Girls, and women in our society are not taught to be graphic when it comes to talking about sex. This carries over to the bedroom, obviously and women, more than men seem to have a harder time telling their guy what to do, and how to do it. Similarly, when talking to their friends, they are more likely to speak ambiguously, and say things like, "He was well endowed." "He wasn't very big, but he really liked to use his hands/mouth," and just leave it at that.


Should a guy worry about his reputation as a lover?

Guys should worry, yes, but mainly if they have done something to hurt the woman (not in the bedroom) in the relationship. There is the old saying, "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned" well, it's true. If the woman is hurt (he never returned her calls, he dumped her, he cheated on her, etc..) then she is more likely to trash his reputation baring the details of his small penis, his inability to please her, his lack of technique in the bedroom, his lack of physique, etc..
In a situation where she has been hurt, every negative aspect in the bedroom has the risk of being aired to her friends.

Do they share complaints?

Single girls who are dating and not very serious with their guys are more likely to verbalize complaints they have about the guy in the bedroom. The more intimate the relationship, READ: and the more caring, loving and giving the guy is all around, the less likely are the women to spread disease about the style, technique, skill, size of their lover. Women in long term relationships are highly unlikely to openly discuss the details of their sex life. And married women of all women are the least likely to discuss anything having to do with their sex life. When women do complain about the sex, the size, the technique of a man, she is really complaining about the lack of connection she has with the guy overall, and their inability to please each other first on a mental/emotional and second on a physical level.

What are their most common complaints?

Women's most common complaints have to do with the fact that she feels the man is not trying hard enough. When there is an emotional imbalance she is likely to complain about it. She may complain about his inabilities, but If he is small, she will probably talk about that first. Women know that the size of a man's penis is a bone of contention with men, especially if it is small, therefor when she is upset, angry or hurt this is one of the easiest things to grab hold and attack, metaphorically speaking of course, "His penis was tiny anyway." Then if there were other issues like premature ejaculation or loss of erection, she will definitely throw those in there. "He couldn't even keep it up for longer than a minute." etc...These complaints are unlikely to be addressed outwardly with the world if the guy is a loving, caring, and giving guy.

What are they likely to share and what are they likely to hold back?

In the event that they want to air the dirty laundry of some poor chap, she will focus on the things that embarrass men the most, the size (if small), the inability to keep an erection and premature ejaculation, and may go into further details. Even if the two minutes is a normal ejaculation period for a man, this might be something she openly talks about "He couldn't even last for more than a minute." "He was the size of my pinky." Again, these thoughts are more likely to be shared if the encounter was casual, or if the couple is now broken up due to what she feels was some sort of injustice done to her. In a scenario where the woman is praising the man, she is likely to share things about technique, size, physique, but she will likely keep it vague. She may say things like "He is well endowed or big" but leave it at that. She may say that "He sure knows how to use it," but will leave it at that. "He really knows how to use his hands." "He loves to use his tongue." She will praise his physique if he has a good one and is more likely to speak in depth about that.


Should men worry about what they tell their friends?

A man should worry, yes, if he has done something wrong. If a woman feels she was wronged in anyway or taken advantage of she is more likely to speak negatively on the things that she knows are most important to a man's manhood. This usually indicates that she was hurt and is trying to protect her feelings by bad mouthing his manhood, thereby hurting him in return.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Foreplay Isn't Just For Sex Anymore

What is Foreplay? Traditionally we have come to think of foreplay as an act or series of acts, generally of the intimate kind, both psychological and physical between two or more people, having to do with sex and more specifically meant to increase sexual arousal at the moments in time when sex is about to occur and then to lead us into the sex act itself and ultimately leading to climax. "In human sexual behavior, foreplay is meant to create and increase sexual arousal, in anticipation of sexual intercourse," From Wikipedia...

However, I would like to suggest another idea that foreplay starts from the minute you wake up and continues on throughout the day, week, month etc.. culminating sometimes in sex and continuing to build and grow even after the sex act is over, or even if sex does not happen.

Wikipedia continues to say that foreplay is..."Any act that creates and enhances sexual stimulation between the sex partners may constitute foreplay, including kissing, touching, embracing, talking, and teasing (teasing, in this case, may include methods of satisfaction, such as erotic sexual denial). The manual or oral stimulation of erogenous zones may be considered foreplay, as well as being part of the sex act itself. Sexual role playing, fetish activities, and BDSM can also be considered foreplay, though they may also accompany intercourse and not just precede it." Generally speaking Wikipedia and most people think of and describe foreplay as the specific acts which precede sex to which I would like to add that the aforementioned gestures they mention such as touching, embracing, talking teasing, kissing, plus the gestures I'd like to add flirting, talking dirty, talking sexy should be used not only during traditional foreplay but continuously throughout the day and weaved into not just the sexual side of your relationship but into the life of your relationship as a whole, to create an ongoing atmosphere of passion and romance. In other words incorporating all those sexy things that you do right before sex into your daily world and relationship with your partner if you want to see your relationship blossom into the virginal flower of beauty and bliss it could and should be.

Those warm words spoken to each other as he is getting ready to go to work, is what the two of you will remember all day. Just because you have to rush off, feed the kids and take them to school and he is late for his board meeting and because there is absolutely no time for sex until date night on Saturday night does not mean your day today and every day cannot be lightly and gently infused with tiny visions of feathers and lingerie, honey and kisses floating in the air, every so often.

Small communications that let each other know how much you care, and also how much you desire them can do wonders, not to mention bring a smile to their face, a tingle to the spine and yes, maybe even butterflies to the stomach. Leaving little post it notes that he/she can read when you are not around, voice mails, emails, text messages with sexy, romantic, loving, appreciative words can let a warm glow into someone's stressful or even humdrum day and leave them eager to arrive home to see you. No, it might not lead to sex tonight, nor tomorrow night, and maybe not even this weekend, but that is not the point. It will lead you home.

Body language is important in foreplay too. A smile, a wink, a gentle touch on the arm even when you are in a hurry to get to your meeting shows you care and leaves an imprint, a fond imprint that can not only lead to increased desire and arousal, but can also shield you two from the days when the rest of the world may bring you down.

These are all a part of foreplay, and things like kissing and touching which can increase the temperature and speed of your arousal leading to sex can also increase the passion and warmth between you and your mate leading to a more fulling and satisfying relationship all around.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy