Anxiety -fear- of being alone, may be at the core of Love Addiction...

Addiction often at its root develops out of a need to relieve an anxiety, psychological pressure or stress. I often akin addictions to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD, which is one type of an anxiety disorder, in where the individual attempts to reduce their obsession (recurrent, unwanted thoughts) by performing repetitive behaviors – or compulsions. The DSM describes these compulsions as specific ritualistic behaviors such as hand washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, but an addiction in its action may feel like something quite similar.

Similarly, addictions develop out of a need to suppress, depress, repress, fight some sort of feelings we have whether it be sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. The compulsion is the using of drugs, alcohol, substance, and more recently we have come to acknowledge the addictions to other things such as food, sex, love, and companionship to combat our feelings.

Many groups have developed around the idea that sex and love can be used inappropriately (such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous- aka SLAA) and that there are also signs of addictions when it comes to these acts. Sex addiction, for example, is one we keep hearing more and more about in the media today with Hollywood celebrities like David Duchovny and Tiger Woods checking into sex rehab facilities. Things like sex and food are easily measured, and it is easy to agree on what ‘sex’ is, and what a sex addiction might look like. But one thing, which still may be elusive to many folks is this concept of love addiction.

Can love be addicting? It’s an interesting concept since we have yet to find a cohesive definition of what love even is, so how do we determine a love addiction? How can something as elusive as love be considered addicting? How can we determine that everyone who is married, in a relationship and/or who claims to be in love is not some sort of ‘love’ addict? Everyone’s definition of love is different.

It’s tricky and SLAA has some defined guidelines to determining a love addiction (http://www.slaafws.org/) and I prefer to call it companionship addiction. Companionship addiction is when the individual has an obsession with being in a partnership, or relationship, and/or feels the need to fill the empty space with a relationship to the point where it takes over their mind, body, focus and life. When they cannot focus on anything else but the relationship, in my opinion it definitely falls into the category of an addiction, or an obsession.

Organizations like SLAA and AA are definitely helpful as they provide an alternative to sitting at home fighting our feelings alone, but at some point the anxiety has to be self relieved, in order to truly break the pattern of addiction and obsession. If we think of the need for companionship, love, and relationships as an obsession then we will see some of the behaviors as compulsions. When we seek out these interactions based on these feelings, we are basically reacting to our anxiety. I like to suggest the idea of not reacting, or something known as non-reactivity. This tenet of Zen and Buddhist philosophies which has been adopted by many psychologists is akin to ‘sitting with our feelings.’ Instead of constantly seeking to relieve our anxiety, we choose to sit with it, listen, feel, and ultimately accept our anxiety and other discomforts as a part of our makeup, our journey, and our lives.

The first step to non-reactivity, not reacting and sitting with the anxiety is recognizing what anxiety looks and feels like. Many cannot see nor feel their anxiety, for they are too busy acting on a minute-by-minute basis, to avoid sitting with their feelings and listening to the inner voice. This means that we must first stop any and all activity what-so-ever, and practice sitting quietly, first and fore most. Then when you get the urge to do something, I.E. that antsy feeling to act or react to ease your desire, to instantly gratify a need, you then stop. You will eventually recognize that you are reacting to a feeling. This is at the core of any addiction. Love addiction is no different.

When you stop choosing partners to relieve your anxiety is when you can truly find love – whatever you decide that is.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Sexy Saturdays with Mou Wilson at Liberace's Penthouse

Come to the legendary pianist Liberace's penthouse!

Sexy Saturdays is a monthly Sex Therapy Workshop Series, led by Mou Wilson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Sexy Saturdays with Mou Wilson is an intimate monthly workshop, which will feature various guest speakers discussing relationship/sexuality/health/fitness and more. Situated on the gorgeous rooftop penthouse of the late legendary pianist Liberace in West Hollywood with panoramic views of Los Angeles, I hope you will find something of interest in any one of the various installations. So come on and get out of bed with me for a Sexy Saturday!

Menage a Trois Interrupted:

Defining A Non Traditional Relationship/Lifestyle in a Traditional World

In this first installation, I will be discussing recent trends in Menage a Trois, Open Relationships, Polyamory, Ethical Sluthood, Nonmonogamy, etc... Understanding the rules, or creating your own. Understanding jealousy, possession and exploring whether this is a lifestyle for you or not.

SPACE IS LIMITED SO SIGN UP NOW!!

info@mouwilson.com

(323) 284-4423

Location:

Liberace's Penthouse

in West Hollywood, CA

Address:

7461 Beverly Blvd, Penthouse East, West Hollywood CA

When:

Saturday August 21, 2010 10 AM-1 PM

Cost:

$80 per person

Who:

Anyone interested in raising their own awareness about the various lifestyles and possibilities in sexuality and or sharing their experiences.

*This event will be held outdoors.

**There is a swimming pool, so swim attire is acceptable, although not required.

***Breakfast foods will be served.

RSVP to info@mouwilson.com or call 323-284-4423

~~~CHECK BACK FOR OUR LIST OF UPCOMING SPEAKERS~~~

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life

Visit Los Angeles Sex Therapy

at

www.MouWilson.com

323.284.4423

info@mouwilson.com

©Copyright, 2010

Don't ignore that dirty voice inside your head, just because you decide to say, "I Do."

Though the definition varies from source to source, the basic idea behind healthy sexuality lies in the ability to accept and embrace one’s sexual side, including our bodies and integrate this into our psyche in ways that are functional and positive, and not harmful. For me this means the integration of our animalistic, or kinky, dirty nature with our emotional self, attaching positive and/or neutral meaning to the urges, which are biologically considered natural.

What turns us on and what we find arousing all too often, however is what is also considered dirty and kinky, and unfortunately often falls into categories considered taboo and unmentionable. Not to mention may often even include the demoralizing of women, children and men, and also sometimes having sexist or racial content and/or the like.

But the disconnect happens when we liken these animalistic drives, our dirty and kinky natures, and try to meld them with our desire to be monogamous and develop deep connections within long-term relationships. Society tells us that being sexual, romantic and intimate is preferable when done with the person we love and whom we should also to procreate with. We are told that sex should be about emotional connectedness, trust and love. The media, and the movies we watch of love stories and romance portray romantic love and sex going hand-in-hand down the yellow brick road of joy and bliss to Emerald city. What our the media and our society doesn’t address is what happens once we get to Emerald city and that romantic love turns into attachment love. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love suggests that romantic love though wonderful is unstable, and not so good for child-rearing, vs. the final stage of love, or attachment love, is characterized by feelings of calm, security, social comfort and emotional union, and allows cooperation in raising children.

And it is in this final stage of what Helen calls attachment love is what I see in my office as being the time where most of couples sexual and arousal problems occur. At some point many couples in long-term relationships will throw away that kinky side and focus on the other stuffs of relationships and life. Such as family, kids, career, house, and thereby ignoring the animalistic sexual urges that naturally exist in all of us. What we fail to recognize is that those animalistic sexual urges need and want to find some expression, and too often we will find we’ve either lost the voice because we’ve ignored it for so long, or that we never even had it. Then in an attempt to find balance and to express that side, we often either feel like we cannot or may resort to other avenues to getting such needs met, such as cheating/infidelity or becoming excessively interested in porn, which in turn, may jeopardize our happy home. Alternatively if we learn to embrace our kinky and dirty side, and make a conscientious effort to develop it, then share it and express it with our partner openly while in the bedroom we may find less of a need for these other outlets. Just because you are in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you can’t revert to your dirty ole self when you’re having sex, in fact you might just need to if you want to keep that spark alive, not just in your relationship, but in yourself as well.

The point I am trying to make is that you have to find balance, you cannot omit your kinky, dirty side, because some of it fuels your sexuality. Stay true to yourself, and to the integrity of who you want to be. This should include your sexual self and animalistic nature. Recognize that being dirty sometimes should be allowed within your relationship as well as is accepted and needed.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Sensate Focus – Taking Sex Off the Table Can Restore Sexual Vitality

In the 1960’s Masters and Johnson who pioneered research of human sexual response and the diagnosing and treatment of sexual disorders devised a technique known as sensate focus to help couples bring the joy of sex back into their lives.

Our societies overly obsessive ideas about sex being mainly about erections, penetration, intercourse and orgasm have a lot of detrimental side effects, and have oftentimes caused many to lose sight of the true sensual pleasures that accompany sex. The basic premise of sensate focus is that it takes the focus off of erections/arousal (that is, how erect a man can get or how aroused a woman can get), it prohibits penetration, and intercourse as the sole focus of sex at least in the early stages, and it takes the emphasis off of orgasm. Sensate focus is one of the various tools a sex therapist, such as myself might use to help the couple (or individual) rewire their thinking about sex.

My main goals when using sensate focus in treatment is to retrain the brain by actually breaking old patterns of sexual habits by directing the couple to stop having sex (which in many cases has already happened) and then to start engaging in the sensate focus activities. By eliminating the tried and true ways of having sex, which have not been working for the couple, the goal of sensate focus is to reshape attitudes about sex, to educate about the many facets of sexuality, to get back to the roots of feeling sensuous pleasure and to stop focusing so much on the technical aspects of sex and sexuality. By taking the couple slowly through the five stages of sensate focus which focus on massage, communication, using hands and mouths while avoiding breasts and genitals, and encouraging sensual exploration verbally, mentally, as well as physically, couples learn about their own bodies as well as their partners bodies, they learn to connect on an intimate level, and often report a rebirth in their sexuality and attraction to each other in a short time. Just because they start having sex again, couples often think they are fixed. Still to really ingrain the new sensual style thinking patterns, and to avoid falling back into old patterns, I suggest utilizing this practice for several months so that it can in fact become second nature.

Sensate focus helps take the pressure off of sex. Lots of arousal and erection disorders perpetuate because one partner, or in many case both parties, are obsessed with the lack of arousal in the partner who is presenting with the symptom. The intense focus on the symptomatic partner in turn causes more pressure, anxiety and stress for him/her to perform so as to prove to the other partner his/her attraction or attractiveness. This pressure does anything but bring sexual arousal back. This pressure and often perceived lack of understanding from the wounded partner who feels he/she is undesirable only tends to exacerbates the symptoms, as pressure and stress to perform lead to more anxiety (often referred to as performance anxiety). Anxiety is a libido killer, and anything that causes anxiety, such as an over emphasis on performance will not enhance sexuality. Sexuality thrives in relaxed states. By focusing on attitudes as well as behaviors, sensate focus attempts to reconnect mind to body by taking couples back to a place of innocent sensual exploration, to experience joy and pleasure of each other’s bodies and minds as wholes, together again.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Friends With Benefits... An Interview by Tony Machado

Tony: If you have a friend who you have sex with--what are the rules?


Mou :"Friends with benefits" can be an excellent source of bonding, sharing and intimacy and the rules vary from relationship to relationship. Often times friendships turn into relationships and vice versa. In my opinion friendship should always come first. Lust, passion, romance, desire are things which ebb and flow but friendship can and should be seen as a constant. With that said, friends can often not depend on exclusivity as in our culture friends is not always synonymous with committed relationship. Committed relationship often connotes further expectations including exclusivity and other rules mostly pertaining to monogamy. Unfortunately too often the rules and ties that come with monogamy, exclusivity, marriage and relationships can do a number to even the best of friendships.


Tony: What are the rules on exclusivity?

Mou: Obviously this varies from situation to situation. Many times friends engage in sex and one or both partners are involved, married or otherwise. Obviously no exclusivity there. In our society, it is probably safe to say that friends cannot and would not expect exclusivity from a 'friends with benefits' type of situation, but then again this always depends on the type of friendship and the type of relationship they are embarking on.


Tony: What are the rules on dates with this person?

Mou:To me, 'dates' indicate that a line from friends to more-than-friends might be being crossed. Again this depends on the individuals. I definitely think that setting up some rules is always a good idea. People know what to expect and what is expected of them when rules are created. But often times its because of the lack of rules that friends often get involved, and it is the actual development of rules that creates the distinction between friends and relationships.


Tony:What are the sexual rules--who gets pleased, what acts are okay?

Mou:Again, this depends on the two people involved. If either or both involved are in relationships outside of the friendship there may be certain acts which are off limits. Too much comfort between friends also can make it harder to engage in specific acts. Between friends it could go either way, on one extreme where experimenting is more open and expected to the opposite extreme where familiarity can breed a sort of dulling of physical senses and heightened emotional connectedness.


Tony:Why do these arrangements end?

Mou:My guess would be that these arrangements often end when one person decides to move on. Or if one person falls for the other. Generally in a "friends with benefits" situation one or both parties involved admittedly does not see the other as a long term prospect, does not want a long term relationship or some situation in which long term relationship status does not come into play is in effect here. Ideally, both parties involved see eye-to-eye on this, but unfortunately too often feelings are not reciprocated and this is when these arrangements likely come to an end. Ideally, both parties involved will agree to stay friends.


Tony:Are they necessarily unhealthy?

Mou:Not at all, a "Friends with Benefits" situation can be extremely healthy as long as the lines of communication are kept open. If both parties openly, genuninely and honestly communicate his/her wants, needs and desires of the relationship and agree that the "FRIENDSHIP" is the most important and comes first then this situation can be extremely healthy. My motto is "Friendship first." Make an agreement both with yourself and with each other to be the best friend you can be to this person no matter what and it can overcome a lot of the unwanted negative emotions that can get mixed in. Maintaining objectivity is key.


Tony:How do you find a friend who likes to have sex with no other expectations?

Mou:Be honest if your attracted to someone, friends or not, and then make it known that their friendship is of utmost importance, at the end of it all.


Tony:Can the sex be any good?

Mou: Absolutely, as long as the emotions are in check, and/or reciprocated as in any relationship. Rules are good. Rules with yourself about being a good friend is the best place to start, and hopefully it will be shared with the friend.