Don't ignore that dirty voice inside your head, just because you decide to say, "I Do."

Though the definition varies from source to source, the basic idea behind healthy sexuality lies in the ability to accept and embrace one’s sexual side, including our bodies and integrate this into our psyche in ways that are functional and positive, and not harmful. For me this means the integration of our animalistic, or kinky, dirty nature with our emotional self, attaching positive and/or neutral meaning to the urges, which are biologically considered natural.

What turns us on and what we find arousing all too often, however is what is also considered dirty and kinky, and unfortunately often falls into categories considered taboo and unmentionable. Not to mention may often even include the demoralizing of women, children and men, and also sometimes having sexist or racial content and/or the like.

But the disconnect happens when we liken these animalistic drives, our dirty and kinky natures, and try to meld them with our desire to be monogamous and develop deep connections within long-term relationships. Society tells us that being sexual, romantic and intimate is preferable when done with the person we love and whom we should also to procreate with. We are told that sex should be about emotional connectedness, trust and love. The media, and the movies we watch of love stories and romance portray romantic love and sex going hand-in-hand down the yellow brick road of joy and bliss to Emerald city. What our the media and our society doesn’t address is what happens once we get to Emerald city and that romantic love turns into attachment love. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love suggests that romantic love though wonderful is unstable, and not so good for child-rearing, vs. the final stage of love, or attachment love, is characterized by feelings of calm, security, social comfort and emotional union, and allows cooperation in raising children.

And it is in this final stage of what Helen calls attachment love is what I see in my office as being the time where most of couples sexual and arousal problems occur. At some point many couples in long-term relationships will throw away that kinky side and focus on the other stuffs of relationships and life. Such as family, kids, career, house, and thereby ignoring the animalistic sexual urges that naturally exist in all of us. What we fail to recognize is that those animalistic sexual urges need and want to find some expression, and too often we will find we’ve either lost the voice because we’ve ignored it for so long, or that we never even had it. Then in an attempt to find balance and to express that side, we often either feel like we cannot or may resort to other avenues to getting such needs met, such as cheating/infidelity or becoming excessively interested in porn, which in turn, may jeopardize our happy home. Alternatively if we learn to embrace our kinky and dirty side, and make a conscientious effort to develop it, then share it and express it with our partner openly while in the bedroom we may find less of a need for these other outlets. Just because you are in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you can’t revert to your dirty ole self when you’re having sex, in fact you might just need to if you want to keep that spark alive, not just in your relationship, but in yourself as well.

The point I am trying to make is that you have to find balance, you cannot omit your kinky, dirty side, because some of it fuels your sexuality. Stay true to yourself, and to the integrity of who you want to be. This should include your sexual self and animalistic nature. Recognize that being dirty sometimes should be allowed within your relationship as well as is accepted and needed.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Sensate Focus – Taking Sex Off the Table Can Restore Sexual Vitality

In the 1960’s Masters and Johnson who pioneered research of human sexual response and the diagnosing and treatment of sexual disorders devised a technique known as sensate focus to help couples bring the joy of sex back into their lives.

Our societies overly obsessive ideas about sex being mainly about erections, penetration, intercourse and orgasm have a lot of detrimental side effects, and have oftentimes caused many to lose sight of the true sensual pleasures that accompany sex. The basic premise of sensate focus is that it takes the focus off of erections/arousal (that is, how erect a man can get or how aroused a woman can get), it prohibits penetration, and intercourse as the sole focus of sex at least in the early stages, and it takes the emphasis off of orgasm. Sensate focus is one of the various tools a sex therapist, such as myself might use to help the couple (or individual) rewire their thinking about sex.

My main goals when using sensate focus in treatment is to retrain the brain by actually breaking old patterns of sexual habits by directing the couple to stop having sex (which in many cases has already happened) and then to start engaging in the sensate focus activities. By eliminating the tried and true ways of having sex, which have not been working for the couple, the goal of sensate focus is to reshape attitudes about sex, to educate about the many facets of sexuality, to get back to the roots of feeling sensuous pleasure and to stop focusing so much on the technical aspects of sex and sexuality. By taking the couple slowly through the five stages of sensate focus which focus on massage, communication, using hands and mouths while avoiding breasts and genitals, and encouraging sensual exploration verbally, mentally, as well as physically, couples learn about their own bodies as well as their partners bodies, they learn to connect on an intimate level, and often report a rebirth in their sexuality and attraction to each other in a short time. Just because they start having sex again, couples often think they are fixed. Still to really ingrain the new sensual style thinking patterns, and to avoid falling back into old patterns, I suggest utilizing this practice for several months so that it can in fact become second nature.

Sensate focus helps take the pressure off of sex. Lots of arousal and erection disorders perpetuate because one partner, or in many case both parties, are obsessed with the lack of arousal in the partner who is presenting with the symptom. The intense focus on the symptomatic partner in turn causes more pressure, anxiety and stress for him/her to perform so as to prove to the other partner his/her attraction or attractiveness. This pressure does anything but bring sexual arousal back. This pressure and often perceived lack of understanding from the wounded partner who feels he/she is undesirable only tends to exacerbates the symptoms, as pressure and stress to perform lead to more anxiety (often referred to as performance anxiety). Anxiety is a libido killer, and anything that causes anxiety, such as an over emphasis on performance will not enhance sexuality. Sexuality thrives in relaxed states. By focusing on attitudes as well as behaviors, sensate focus attempts to reconnect mind to body by taking couples back to a place of innocent sensual exploration, to experience joy and pleasure of each other’s bodies and minds as wholes, together again.

©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy

Friends With Benefits... An Interview by Tony Machado

Tony: If you have a friend who you have sex with--what are the rules?


Mou :"Friends with benefits" can be an excellent source of bonding, sharing and intimacy and the rules vary from relationship to relationship. Often times friendships turn into relationships and vice versa. In my opinion friendship should always come first. Lust, passion, romance, desire are things which ebb and flow but friendship can and should be seen as a constant. With that said, friends can often not depend on exclusivity as in our culture friends is not always synonymous with committed relationship. Committed relationship often connotes further expectations including exclusivity and other rules mostly pertaining to monogamy. Unfortunately too often the rules and ties that come with monogamy, exclusivity, marriage and relationships can do a number to even the best of friendships.


Tony: What are the rules on exclusivity?

Mou: Obviously this varies from situation to situation. Many times friends engage in sex and one or both partners are involved, married or otherwise. Obviously no exclusivity there. In our society, it is probably safe to say that friends cannot and would not expect exclusivity from a 'friends with benefits' type of situation, but then again this always depends on the type of friendship and the type of relationship they are embarking on.


Tony: What are the rules on dates with this person?

Mou:To me, 'dates' indicate that a line from friends to more-than-friends might be being crossed. Again this depends on the individuals. I definitely think that setting up some rules is always a good idea. People know what to expect and what is expected of them when rules are created. But often times its because of the lack of rules that friends often get involved, and it is the actual development of rules that creates the distinction between friends and relationships.


Tony:What are the sexual rules--who gets pleased, what acts are okay?

Mou:Again, this depends on the two people involved. If either or both involved are in relationships outside of the friendship there may be certain acts which are off limits. Too much comfort between friends also can make it harder to engage in specific acts. Between friends it could go either way, on one extreme where experimenting is more open and expected to the opposite extreme where familiarity can breed a sort of dulling of physical senses and heightened emotional connectedness.


Tony:Why do these arrangements end?

Mou:My guess would be that these arrangements often end when one person decides to move on. Or if one person falls for the other. Generally in a "friends with benefits" situation one or both parties involved admittedly does not see the other as a long term prospect, does not want a long term relationship or some situation in which long term relationship status does not come into play is in effect here. Ideally, both parties involved see eye-to-eye on this, but unfortunately too often feelings are not reciprocated and this is when these arrangements likely come to an end. Ideally, both parties involved will agree to stay friends.


Tony:Are they necessarily unhealthy?

Mou:Not at all, a "Friends with Benefits" situation can be extremely healthy as long as the lines of communication are kept open. If both parties openly, genuninely and honestly communicate his/her wants, needs and desires of the relationship and agree that the "FRIENDSHIP" is the most important and comes first then this situation can be extremely healthy. My motto is "Friendship first." Make an agreement both with yourself and with each other to be the best friend you can be to this person no matter what and it can overcome a lot of the unwanted negative emotions that can get mixed in. Maintaining objectivity is key.


Tony:How do you find a friend who likes to have sex with no other expectations?

Mou:Be honest if your attracted to someone, friends or not, and then make it known that their friendship is of utmost importance, at the end of it all.


Tony:Can the sex be any good?

Mou: Absolutely, as long as the emotions are in check, and/or reciprocated as in any relationship. Rules are good. Rules with yourself about being a good friend is the best place to start, and hopefully it will be shared with the friend.

Kill The Laundry List, Not the Sex

In our culture with its emphasis on couple-hood, marriage, monogamy, finding our one soul mate and/or Mr./Mrs. Right we can easily become fixated on the ideal of who and what this person should be, what he/she is supposed to look like, dress, act, how much money he/she should make, how this person should act, how they should clean, how well read they should be, etc, so on and so forth. The list is endless. When we first meet or hook up with the person we ultimately decide we want to spend the rest of our lives with however, those ideals are often the farthest things from our mind. Initially we are caught up in the whirlwind of romance, passion, and excitement. We are getting to know the person, learning about them and in the process often learning about ourselves and sometimes even re-inventing ourselves to be a better us and/or to fit our mate. We relish at our commonalities and smile at the way our newfound partner makes us feel. We get butterflies and are excited to spend all of our time with this person.

At some point however, generally within the first year and a half, we start to discover things about our partners that we don’t necessarily like. These things may or may not be deal-breakers. And, how we express ourselves and choose to address these issues can be detrimental to the next phase of the relationship. What happens too often however is that we start to nit-pick, nag, criticize, and even worse insult or humiliate our partner because they do not meet up to some standard we have in our head. If our partner still decides to stay in the relationship these can lead to anger, resentment, which are ultimately sex and relationship killers. No one wants this for their relationship, but inevitably it happens all to often. The good thing is that it is totally avoidable.

One of the most important things in a successful relationship is acceptance. Our goal should be to always try to accept our partner as much as we can for who they already are, who they were when they came into the relationship and with the baggage they come with. Some compromise of course is okay, expected and part of being in a working relationship. We do need to meet our partners half way. But we need to limit the changes we expect our partner to make. Essentially we need to pick our battles.

The other important thing to remember is that using positive and affirmative words and language will always yield better results over nagging, nitpicking and/or criticizing. Focus on the positive things your partner brings to the relationship and to your life. And, your partner will melt like butter in your hands.

Sometimes, understandably, problems or issues that we have with our partners are too big or too glaring for us to let go. Focusing on the positive just won’t do. These are what I call deal-breakers. A deal breaker is a behavior, which absolutely must change in order for you to feel that the relationship will work for you. In these situations you can and definitely should express your concerns, and your feelings to your partner (of course using as much positive and affirmative language as possible, and focusing on your feelings as opposed to pointing the finger at your partners behaviors), and then let the cards fall where they may. Your partner may indicate that he/she wants to change, but whether or not they really do is up to them ultimately. People will do what they do, and holding them to their word can be like pulling teeth, often causing more anger and resentment from the nagging and nitpicking you’ll be doing. If your partner has a difficult time accommodating your desire and need that which you believe to be a deal breaker you need to really rethink, “Can I live with this?” If you cannot then it is a deal breaker.

I also recommend not having too long a list of deal breakers. If you have more than two this should be a sign for you to really take a look at yourself, what your needs are, how important this relationship is to you, how important it is to have this person in your life, and do you really love/accept this person for who they are? Too long of a laundry list is heavy, and weighted and will add nothing more but burden and stress to your relationship, undermines your partners worth, may also be a strong indicator of unrealistic expectations, and may ultimately destroy any desire, passion, romance and sex left in the relationship.


To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy


©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

What Your Fantasies Might Mean....

Believe it or not, everyone has some secret desire, fantasy, or even fetish that brings on arousal and turns us on in the bedroom, or otherwise. For some of us, our fantasies work best when used alone. We thus prefer to use the fantasy as personal experience on our own, and don’t find the need to share it with others. Others of us strive and have a strong urge to share our fantasy or fetish, to live it out and to act it out with our partners and with others. Finally there are those of us who have trouble swallowing the content of our desires, feel confused about its meaning and are thus conflicted about our fantasies and fetishes.

Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion about our fantasies and what is turning us on is common in our society. We want to know, why do I feel this way? And where does this come from? The short answer is this, our sexual fantasies are likely a reflection of the very stimuli/stimulus which we were exposed to during our sexual awakening, much like classical conditioning. For example the boy who experiences his first erection in the bathtub, may thus pair arousal with water and bathing, and thus might have fantasies involving water. The girl who has a domineering mother, or who feels ostracized a lot by her peers may have fantasies about being dominated as an adult.

What is often difficult for people to understand is that sexual awakening happens when we are children. Childhood sexuality though a completely natural part of development is often ignored in our culture, shunned or brushed under the rug as wrong. The child is made to feel ashamed or guilty for having sexual thoughts, and desires. No explanations are given and nothing is talked about. But remembering that sexual curiosity is a normal and natural part of a healthy child’s development an innocent desire of a child to explore, and feel pleasure, can eradicate much of the shame and guilt we have about our early sexual experiences, which in turn may lead to our current state of confusion regarding our desires and arousals.

Sexual fantasies may also be a reflection of our daily anxieties. For example, the one who worries about having too many responsibilities in his/her daily life may fantasize about completely dominated and controlled in bed, or the woman who feels small and unattractive may fantasize about being a sexual dominatrix. The key is to remember that we are creatures of balance. What we present to the world and feel on a daily basis often needs to be countered by it’s polar opposite, which could be presenting it’s face in our sexual fantasies and fetishes. This is not to say that the individual who fantasizes about being sexually dominated in bed is thus weak and helpless in real life. In fact the opposite is quite true. Our sexual fantasies are often times a representation of something in our life, whether past or present and when we break them down and take a much closer look, we will see that they are a normal reaction to some set of our own life experiences.
©Copyright 2010 by Mou Wilson, MFT. All Rights Reserved.

To Get More Satisfaction out of your Relationships and Sex Life
Visit Mou Wilson, A Los Angeles Sex Therapist at Los Angeles Sex Therapy